"Did You Lose Your Pants?" | Making a Case for Morning Routines

For those of you fathers out there who drive the kids to school each day, here is an old blog post of mine that you may relate to as we're getting back into the swing of things with the start of school right around the corner...

For about the past month, whenever that alarm screams at me to rise, I've been a complete zombie. I literally get out of bed, slip on some sandals, yell "load up" and take the kids to school. This is a complete gamble on my part, because the kids are usually not ready at all. I've had to turn around several times to retrieve items like backpacks, socks, Chromebooks and lunch. Since about May 23rd, I've been shuttling the kids to school in the same outfit I roll out of bed in, which is my boxer shorts and a t-shirt. One morning last week, the boys were upset because they didn't have time to eat breakfast. I thought I would be the good Dad, and swing by the convenience store to grab them donuts on the way to school. 

I dropped my daughter off at school first, then pulled into the Casey's General Store parking lot. My youngest asked, "Dad what are you doing?" I explained that I was gonna grab breakfast for them. I pulled into a spot up front, opened my car door and slowly got out. I could hear some giggling from the boys in the back seat. I figured they were playing one of the silly games they seem to wanna play way too early in the morning. I shut the door and walked into the store. I looked towards the case filled with sugary treats, and suddenly realized......oh no.....I had forgotten my glasses at home. I had gotten out of bed and failed to put them on. What an idiot!!! I'm standing there squinting, trying to figure out which delicious delights I would treat my children to, when I heard a strange voice behind me. "Did you lose your pants?" a man asked. I looked behind me to see who he was talking to and what moron was walking around without pants. As I turned towards the strange voice, I happened to look down. Oh no.....holy sh!@t!!! I was the imbecile the voice was talking to. I had completely forgotten I strolled out of the house in my undies. I've gotta believe, if my daughter were still in the car, she would not have let me exit the vehicle. My boys on the other hand, they could care less. They just thought it was Dad's newest attempt at humor.

There I am in my old, red, Adidas t-shirt, and my bright blue, striped, boxer shorts. I have a few pair that have the button on the front to keep the barn door shut. This particular pair of "Fruit of the Loom's" did not have the button. I was one awkward movement from letting the turtle poke its head out of its shell. For all I know, it had already gotten a peek. I did not say a word to the man, or anyone else, I just turned and walked out as quickly as I could. I got back into the car where my youngest was quick to point out that he wasn't the only forgetful one.
A week or so earlier, I was rushing to get the boys to their games. My 6-year-old had gotten dressed, got into the car, and rode all the way to the fields before realizing he had no shoes on. Obviously, I was frustrated that I had to go back home to get his shoes. He had remembered this, and was letting me know about it.

Needless to say, I've made sure to get myself properly dressed in the morning since.

Herb Cody is a husband and father of three. He is a part time Uber driver and full time caregiver of his spouse, who suffered a traumatic brain injury after an auto accident November, 2015. Herb loves football and is a St. Louis Cardinals fanatic. He and his family live in Nixa, MO. Herb can be reached for questions or comments at herbie05@yahoo.com, and you can check out Herb's own blog at www.thecodylife.weebly.com

"Say You're Sorry" -- Teaching Forgiveness -- Dr. Jennifer Baker, Founder & Executive Director

“Say you’re sorry.”

Many parents instruct children to express regret for thoughtless actions to another using these words. Head down, face frowning, the child mumbles “Sorry.” In return, he may hear, “Sorry too” or “That’s alright.”

It’s really not alright. No one really feels much better, except perhaps the adult, who believes he has done his job in helping a child learn the importance of an apology or of accepting the apology of another.

This is pretty much the place many adults are stuck when it comes to their experience of asking for or offering forgiveness to another. They recall a shame-faced, command performance required by a parent or other significant adult when they were young. It only happened because someone bigger and more powerful than them was requiring it. In actuality, the thing for which they were likely sorriest was getting caught.

Ideally, by the time we reach adulthood, we should be able to reflect on the impact of our actions and at least try to take the perspective of someone other than ourselves. Empathy requires trying to understand how another might feel, even if we don’t share their experience. It’s an important tool to have in one’s toolbox when it comes to offering forgiveness.

There are benefits to letting go of our right to even the score with another. Most of us understand this. The harder part is to actually forgive. How does one do this, especially if the hurt is longstanding and particularly grievous.  Here are some steps to consider:

1. Contrary to what you may have experienced as a child, forgiving someone does not mean saying, “That’s alright.” If it’s alright, it doesn’t require forgiveness. Only things that were not acceptable, that hurt or did damage to us or someone we love, require actual forgiveness.

2. Forgiving someone does mean giving up the right to get even. It means cleaning up the revenge scenarios in our head, chasing them out, and locking the door. If holding a grudge means allowing someone to live rent free in your head, then letting go of the grudge suggests sweeping them out of the house and chasing them down the road.

3. Forgiving someone may also mean telling yourself a different story. Perhaps you’ve identified yourself as a victim for a long time. Letting go of the anger and resentment means at least trying to understand what might have influenced another to act as he or she did without attaching a nasty label. It means eliminating ugly names and referring to them as a person with shortcomings and weaknesses.

4. Telling yourself a different story also means telling yourself what kind of person you want to be in the face of this wound or unkindness. How would you like to manage hurt and anger? What might you need to do to live above and beyond smoldering resentment? Many people find spiritual resources to be helpful at times like this. Is that something you could access?

5. Forgiveness may or may not mean reconciliation. It’s not safe or wise to reconcile with an unrepentant abuser. There are times when we must maintain strong boundaries with difficult people, limiting the amount of time we spend with them, particularly if they take no ownership for their troublesome or quarrelsome behavior. We can still forgive for our part, but true reconciliation requires both parties to admit their part in the problem and work toward rebuilding trust with each other.

Much more has been written about forgiveness. If it’s an area where you are struggling, speaking with a professional (clergy, therapist) or even a close friend can be helpful in letting go and moving on for your benefit and that of your child.

Dr. Jennifer Baker is the Founder and Director of Good Dads. She is the wife of one, mother of two and grandmother of eight. She may be reached for question or comment at jennifer@gooddads.com.

Let Go of Grudges for Yourself & Your Kids -- Dr. Jennifer Baker, Good Dads Founder & Director

Photo by Warren Wong--Upsplash

“Hey, my wife and I are in town and we wondered if we might get together. It’s been a long time since we’ve seen you.”

This is the request my Main Man made of one of his cousins several years ago. Close in age, the two of them spent many weekends in each other’s company, along with another sibling. The city-based cousins made regular trips to the country to visit my husband’s family and their grandparents. The boys lived for the times they could create homegrown, country-living adventures together. They had tales to tell about forts built in the barn, base camps created at the river, softball games in the field, and frustrated adults who wanted them to calm down and “stop messing around.” My Main Man enjoyed recalling the fun and carefree times they all spent together in their childhood and adolescence.

Photo by Jordan Whitt, Upsplash

Perhaps that’s why he was so surprised when his cousin answered, “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

Confused, he asked about “just coffee” or meeting at a restaurant. The answer was still “No.” Jokingly my husband asked, “This doesn’t have anything to do with the way (cousin’s name) and I used to tease you, does it?”

“Yeah,” he said, “maybe it does.” And then there was a long silence.

What does one say in the face of an acknowledged grievance decades in length? How does one respond to a hurt which appears to have festered for a very long time?

My Main Man did apologize, but it appeared insufficient to soothe the grudging unhappiness settled in the soul of his cousin for nearly four decades. Sadly, we were unable to ever connect. You simply can’t make someone meet if they don’t want to get together.

There are many reasons dads may want to become more aware of grudges in their own lives. Here are just a few to consider:

Holding on to a grudge damages your health. According to researchers from the Stanford Forgiveness Project, carrying a grudge puts our immune and cardiovascular systems at risk. If we are committed to taking good care of our health, then taking an inventory of possible grudges and considering how to release them is a critical step.

Holding onto a grudge is allowing someone else to live rent free in your head. A lot of mental energy is invested in holding on to something that has mastered you, versus you having power over it. Dr. Frederic Luskin, founder of the Stanford Forgiveness Project, calls it an “ineffective strategy for dealing with a life situation that you haven’t been able to master.”

It’s sets a very poor example for one’s children. Children are far more perceptive than we give them credit. They may hear us say they should forgive each other and express regret for their actions, but if they never see us do it, it’s unlikely they will do what we ask. Moreover, if they see us exhibit long-term bitterness, anger and resentment toward a former friend or family member, they’ll typically see this as acceptable behavior into adulthood.

Want to let go of the past? Want to let hurtful things have less power over your day-to-day life? Desire to set a better standard for your children?  Check back next week for some specific ways to let go of harmful grudges and move toward a more health-filled future.

Dr. Jennifer Baker is the Founder and Director of Good Dads. She is the wife of one, mother of two and grandmother of eight. She may be reached for question or comment at jennifer@gooddads.com.