Father and Son

Kevin Weaver (Dad): Recently, my middle son, now a married father of two, as well as an Army infantry officer with the 101^st Airborne, sat down and penned some thoughts regarding his upbringing, as well as my involvement in it. I am going to be honest, I was taken aback by his somewhat rave review. In hindsight, it would appear that I was some sort of super hero to the boy, when in truth, I often failed…miserably. This same child challenged me more than my other two boys, combined, and I went to bed, many a night, feeling I had been too hard on him. I don’t share his musings to prove what a great dad I was, I share it as a testament to the fact that even though we often believe we are doing nothing but failing our kids, the good stuff is still taking root. Hopefully, you will be encouraged, and not discouraged, by what my son has to say. And perhaps his account proves what my wife and I like to say, “Sometimes, you feel that your kids turn out well in spite of you, not because of you.” Kevin Weaver

Keith Weaver (Son): A father holds his family accountable and must show his children that there are consequences for our actions. I think this is especially important for a father to teach to his sons. With my dad there was no question where the line was drawn, and when the line was crossed my brothers and I knew we had made a mistake. Wrongful action equals consequence, no question about it.

I don’t remember testing my father or pushing the limit to see how much we could get away with. He did an incredible job proving the disciplinary action my brothers and I received was because he loved us and that he was going to do everything in his power to help us become the men God made us to be. No matter how old we got, my dad relentlessly pursued doing what he needed to do to teach us a lesson if we messed up or acted out of selfish reasons. After every punishment we received my father always told us he loved us and why he held us accountable.

We so lack this kind of discipline in our society today. My generation is often so far removed from giving the slightest care as to how their actions can affect others, and even themselves for that matter. I’m generalizing but it seems to me that there are a minority my age, who know how to show respect and think before acting out of emotion (most of the time). Above all we need to know how and why God wants us to live a certain way and abstain from certain actions. I strive to hold my own son and daughter accountable for their actions according to God’s standard as my father did for me. I cannot stress how important the disciplinary action I received from my dad was in shaping me into the man I am today.

Keith: Unwavering Faith

Through all my father has done for me, and in spite of all the sacrifices he’s made, the most important thing he has done for our family is show us what it is to be a man of faith. Unwavering faith in God on display was, and is, something my life never lacked from my dad. He and my mom have tirelessly and continuously done all they can to further the Kingdom of God. How blessed am I to have a father who’s life’s work is to share God’s love with as many people as possible! His love for God and his love for people have been so evident my entire life.

I now strive to be even half the man of God my father is. He has shown how a man should treat his wife and how a father should raise his children and I pray that my family can experience what I’ve experienced through the example my father set for me.

Kevin: If my son’s thoughts prove anything, it proves this…our efforts, even the ones we think our substandard, seem to make a powerful impact if we do them in love!

Kevin Weaver, CEO of Network211 and father of three sons, lives with his wife KyAnne in Springfield, MO. He enjoys spending time with family, hunting and watching University of Kansas basketball with his boys! He can be reached at kweaver@network211.com. 

Keith Weaver is stationed at Ft. Campbell where he was recently recognized as an "Honor Grad" for Pathfinder School, one of the toughest in the Army.  He is currently the OIC of Headquarters Battalion, and serves as the Platoon Leader for the Recon Platoon.

Three Lessons on Money

A Broke Nation

Americans are up to their eyeballs in debt.  USA government debt tops $18 trillion (that’s with a “T”!).  Student loan debt is almost $1.4 Trillion.  Personal consumer debt hovers close to $3.5 Trillion.  Car loans: $1 Trillion.  Mortgages: $8.25 Trillion.  Total household average debt is over $130,000.  If we Americans can finance something—from sofas to sea crafts—we will!

A disturbing side trend is the paycheck-to-paycheck living of many American households.  The average American family has only around $4000 – $5000 saved, with 25% of households having no “rainy day” funds at all, and over one-third of households having no savings at all for retirement.

I look at this trend and immediately start thinking of my kids, twin sons aged 9 and a 5-year-old daughter.  As a Good Dad, what do I want my legacy to them to be, and how can I train them to make wise money decisions? 

I’ve found three lessons I want to be sure my kids know, so that when they grow older they will prosper and be able to help others regardless of what happens in the future.

Money Comes from Work

My kids don’t get an “allowance.”  Allowances are made for those who cannot help themselves.  My kids are all healthy, vibrant, and able, so there’s no need to make an allowance for any of them.

In our house, we pay commissions.  Work equals pay.  No work equals no pay.  There are also chores they do for no pay.  They’re part of the family and contribute time and talent because that’s what Whitings do.

Let’s not kid ourselves: the value of the work young kids do probably isn’t worth what we pay them, but that’s not the point.  The point is to teach them that money comes from work.  That always means trading something of value whether it is time, skill, labor, thinking, or a special talent to someone else in exchange for the value offered to another person.

Money is a Tool

Money by itself doesn’t do anything.  Financial advisor Dave Ramsey says that money is “amoral;” it isn’t good or evil.  He illustrates this with the story of a brick.  You can pick up a brick and smash a plate-glass window, or you can lay it together with other bricks and build a hospital.  The brick doesn’t care; it’s just a brick.

Good Dads don’t want their kids to be caught up in accumulating money for the sake of having a fat bank account, and we certainly don’t want to see them using money to hurt themselves or other people.  We want them to learn that money is a tool that has many worthy purposes. It’s up to them to decide how to use it wisely.

Using the “Money Tool”

Ask my kids what are the things we do with money and they’ll respond, “Spend some, save some, and give some.” 

Spending includes daily, weekly, and monthly expenses.  At their age, it’s mostly just fun stuff or special treats.  We still feed, house, clothe and provide them all the other standard daily living expenses.  What I hope to teach my kids is that there are choices to make when buying things they want.  Good Dads want to see their kids make wise, thoughtful choices on how they spend money, because we hope some day they’ll move out and we can turn their bedrooms into a nice office or media studio!  Well, maybe not, but we all want to see our little eaglettes fly and be free.

Saving is still at a fairly simple stage.  My kids have piggy banks at home, and every time they save up around $50 we move that into a bank savings account.  This is for bigger ticket purchases, such as a new video game system or an  i-Gadget.  What a great teachable moment!  We talk about how banks work, how interest accumulates on the balance, and the difference between deposits and withdrawals.  Most importantly, however, the kids are getting into the regular habit of saving a portion of each “payday.”  As they get older, we’ll start talking about the more complex aspect of saving, such as investing to grow wealth. 

Giving needs to be taught.  From an early age my kids have learned that part of each commission payday is set aside to give.  My wife and I discussed it and set the giving amount at $1 out of $5.  That’s 20%, a pretty hefty chunk!  Amazingly, my kids still have a healthy cushion of saving and spending money. Generous people are kind, thoughtful, and not self-seeking.  I believe people with those qualities will enjoy more opportunities in life because they learn to focus on other people, and that trait is rewarded whether one works for an employer or serves his or her own customers in a business.

As Good Dads, we want our kids to use the resources they’ve been given to provide for themselves and to grow into generous, kind people.  This kind of training doesn’t happen by accident, so it’s up to us to give them the solid foundation of financial responsibility.

Sid Whiting is the father of three and the husband of one. He lives with his wife Gail and their children in Springfield, Missouri. He also enjoys real estate investing, serving in the 135th Army Band as a percussionist and bass guitarist, and plays in the Praise Band "Soul Purpose" and the "Hallelujah Bells" hand bell choir.  He can be reached for comment or question at sid.whiting75@gmail.com or on Facebook (www.facebook.com/WiseSteward).

Why I Learned from My Dad

Kevin:  Over the course of many years of parental investment, I have tried to calculate whether or not my fatherhood has made a difference in the life of my three boys.  Being fully aware of all my weaknesses, I have a tendency to remember the areas, and acts of fatherhood I'd like to take back.  However, I've been reminded that in spite our shortcomings, if we will "stay the course" and love our children, and lead them to a place life and growth with God, He is so faithful to fill in the gaps.  Recently, my son Keith, who serves as a 1st Lt. at the 101st Airborne, 2nd Battalion, 126 Headquarters Company, wrote a few words about his perspective on my influence in his life as a dad.  I'm very humbled by his words, and truly thankful that the seeds planted in his life are now producing a wonderful crop of success.  Be encouraged dads . . . our kids can succeed in spite of us, if we stay faithful!

Keith:    We have seen and continue to see massive changes in social policy issues, laws, leadership, and cultural norms that all contribute into shaping the American society as a whole. Some of the transformations are good; many are not. Unfortunately, the family unit has seen immense change, alteration and modification that I believe have led to massive deterioration in the well-being of our nation and our neighbors on a global level. I am blessed to have a father who has embodied what I believe God created man to be.

As a man my father has had, and continues to have, a vast impact on my life and development as a contributing member of world. He has taught me how important it is that we do not lose sight of what men and fathers are intended to be. Men lead their families in all facets of navigating life. They provide, love, protect, teach, mentor and continuously learn. A true man is the example his household follows. A true man understands that he must restrain  himself and fight if necessary. A man displays his faith puts God at the center of his home. Men guide and keep families together. Though there are a number of important values and character traits my father instilled in me and my brothers, a few are very defined and profound. Learning to work is one of those values.

GET TO WORK!!!

My father made my brothers and I work. Through childhood this, at times, felt like a curse. I can distinctly remember the first occasion I truly worked, at the age of eight, moving hundreds of 10 to 15 pound rocks in a landscaping adventure. I recall having friends who couldn’t believe the “forced labor” in which I had to engage on a seemingly weekly basis. Of course, in adolescence with responsibilities for basic home maintenance, remodeling projects and chores, I felt like Pharaoh himself had me at the end of a whip building the Pyramids.  In reality my father’s generation would have thought my growing up was a vacation. Regardless, I always, for a brief moment, would step back when accomplishing some task with my father and watch in amazement at the level of determination, fortitude and drive for excellence he displayed when working. My father never cut corners and always found a way to exceed the vision he had for the end result of his work. To this day it seems like he can pretty much do anything and fix everything. Watching his example while working imprinted on me, and has allowed me to apply that same kind of drive and effort for excellence in all areas of my life. My experience working with my dad has shown me the kind of stewardship God expects from us, and the success I have experienced thus far professionally I can attribute greatly to my father and the way he taught me discipline in completing a job. 

Kevin Weaver, CEO of Network211 and father of three sons, lives with his wife KyAnne in Springfield, MO. He enjoys spending time with family, hunting and watching University of Kansas basketball with his boys! He can be reached at kweaver@network211.com. 

Keith Weaver is stationed at Ft. Campbell where he was recently recognized as an "Honor Grad" for Pathfinder School, one of the toughest in the Army.  He is currently the OIC of Headquarters Battalion, and serves as the Platoon Leader for the Recon Platoon.

Sky High Money Management

Money matters.  Money may not be able to buy you happiness but it will pay the rent, buy your groceries, and pay for whatever else is important to you.  Money matters. 

Good Dads teach their children about money because money matters.  Good Dads teach their children about all kinds of things that matter.  Good Dads teach their children how to read and how to ride a bike.  Good Dads teach their children about good manners, dating, and sex.  And Good Dads teach their children about money.  Because money matters.       

By teaching your children about money you teach your children about values.  The way we spend and use money reveals a lot about our values and what is important to us.   The point here is not to judge another person’s values and what is important to someone else.  Rather, the point here is to our children that money matters and that money represents our values. 

Last year my boys wanted to go sky diving.  They saved their money and spent $200 each to jump out of a perfectly good airplane.  I thought they were nuts.  They could have given the money to the pilot and told him to throw it out the window.  But it was important to them. 

As a Dad, I want my boys to make choices based upon their values.  For strong, healthy boys with few responsibilities going sky diving was a good choice even if a bit extreme.  For me, a 56-year-old man with an artificial hip, I choose to keep my feet on the ground and to live through by boys’ adventures.   

I like to teach my boys you can have almost anything in life; you just cannot have everything.  It is a matter of choices based upon your values.  From the time the boys were 8-years-old they have had jobs of some kind.  They have contributed to their portion of family vacations, their college tuition, and their first car.    

As a Dad, it is important to me that my boys are generous.  I would rather have generous children than children who have whatever they want.  I teach my boys to set aside 1/10 of their income to give away.  If it costs $200 to sky dive then my boys’ need to know that there is a cost to being generous.  I believe if my boys are generous first then there will always be enough left over for the needs and desires.  They will have to make choices.   They might have to make sacrifices. They might have to wait.  But there will always be more than enough.       

I hope this is helpful.  It is not easy to be a Dad.  It might sometimes seem crazier than jumping out of an airplane.  But you are not alone.  By talking together and encouraging each other we can all learn to be better Dads.  We can also teach our children about important things in life and that money matters. 

Jeff Sippy, a Dad-In-Training, is the father of three young men and the husband of Cindy. He enjoys sailing every chance that he gets. He is the senior pastor at Redeemer Lutheran in Springfield, MO and can be reached for question or comment at jsippy@rlcmail.org.    

What a Girl Gets from Her Dad

Statistically, it’s more likely for a dad with daughters to divorce than a dad with sons. I’m not certain why, but it probably has something to do with a father being able to identify more with his son (having been a boy himself) than with a daughter. Then again, sometimes mothers form such a tight bond with their girls they give the impression that dad is immaterial. He’s not, of course, but he may believe himself to be. He may tell himself, “She doesn’t need me. She’ll be just fine without me. Her mother knows what she needs and does a better job than I could.

Perhaps that’s why it’s so important for dads to have a better understanding of what they contribute to their daughter’s health and well-being. Girls with strong relationships with their fathers –

• ·         Do better in mathematics.
• ·         Have stronger verbal skills.
• ·         Demonstrate increased curiosity in problem solving.
• ·         Have greater self-confidence.
• ·         Have fewer behavioral problems and demonstrate greater self-control.
• ·         Are less likely to become pregnant as a teen.

I have known many excellent single-parent mothers who do an exceptional job under difficult circumstances. To be raised by a single-parent mother is not to say a child will head down the wrong path or somehow be deficient in life. It is to say that statistically, it’s harder for this child to succeed. He or she will have more barriers to overcome. Father absence is damaging to both girls and boys. Father engagement is invaluable to successful outcomes for both as well.

I suppose some people think I’m passionate about father engagement because I grew up without a father, but they would be wrong. I had a great dad, an engaged dad, a dad who taught me many things and made it possible for me to do more than I imagined. My dad introduced me to a fishing pole, brought home my first library books, and taught me how to drive a stick shift. He required me to work boring, sweaty tasks on the farm and strongly discouraged fretting and complaining. He modeled service at home and in our community, even when it wasn’t convenient. He wasn’t perfect. No dad is! But he loved my mother (who had many strengths of her own) and together they were a formidable force in my life.

My passion for Good Dads is fueled by this stable foundation and by what I’ve observed after years of working with families where a father it not present. I’ve known children who yearned for nothing more than a father to talk to and spend time with. I’ve also listened to the stories of many dads who wanted to be with their child, but were limited in their access by a bitter ex-spouse, distance and/or work-related constraints. It seems to me that both dads and children hurt when they cannot be together.

I’m glad my dad knew how important he was to me, my sister and my brother. I’m thankful for all that he did to establish a solid foundation from which we could launch into the world. Out of this abundance, I’m hopeful Good Dads can inspire, encourage and support all dads to be the best they can be through greater engagement with their children. When we do this, we create a better world for us all.

Dr. Jennifer Baker is the Founder and Executive Director of Good Dads. She is the daughter of one good dad and married to another. She is blessed to have two good dads as the fathers of her eight grandchildren. She can be reached at jennifer@gooddads.com.

Sportsmanship: Valuing the Achievements of Others

Gracious Losing

I see my children growing up in a hyper-competitive society: little leagues starting kids out at 2-years-old, and gymnastics for toddlers still in diapers.  But of course!  How else will get to Olympic Gold level performance or get a full ride athletic scholarship to a Big 10 school?   At times it feels like I’m a failure as a Dad because none of my kids are playing even one sport presently, much less whatever sport happens to be in season.

Full disclosure: I am not good at sports, which may be one reason why my kids aren’t interesting in playing any sports.  That’s not to say I don’t try to play on occasion.  But as you may have guessed, I’ve had plenty of practice at being a gracious loser.

One thing I do enjoy about sports is good sportsmanship.  It’s a worthwhile discipline for children and adults to practice frequently.  With three kids at home (age 9 twin boys and a 5-year-old girl), there are plenty of chances to teach them how to let go of the need to “win” all the time.  On the many occasions I don’t win, I have two choices: I can sulk and pout, or I smile with admiration for the person or team who beats me in spite of my best efforts and congratulate them on a job well done.  Call it an exercise in humility, I try to use my losses as a teaching tool so my kids see how to value other peoples’ achievements as well as their own.

Being able to let someone else stand in the victor’s circle and still being happy for that person keeps our focus on what’s most important: the joy in the activity in which we’ve chosen to participate.

Gracious Winning

I am good at some things apart from sports, so occasionally I experience what winning feels like.  Sometimes it feels so good that it’s tempting to brag or trash talk my opponents.  This is poor sportsmanship just as much as being a sore loser!

One of my sons and my daughter are studying martial arts, and they enjoy it thoroughly.  Part of their study involving mock combat called sparring matches.  For those of you who remember the original 1980’s movie The Karate Kid there was a sparring competition in which only one person could be victorious.  For the “bad guy” nothing shy of absolute victory was good enough.  Second place was beneath him.  He had to win at all cost, even going so far as cheating to assure victory.

My kids’ martial arts studio doesn’t work that way.  While these kinds of single elimination competitions still exist, I’m glad to see my kids discovering that martial arts are worth studying for what they learn about themselves and other people, apart from receiving a trophy.  I’ve seen them act calmly and with a contented spirit when they win a sparring match.  The instructors always insist that the winners high-five and congratulate the students who get defeated.

Coaching the Team

Dads wear many hats.  One of those hats says, “Coach,” and our job is to mentor, guide, correct, and direct our kids whether they win or lose.  Even if you’re like me and lucky to sink one free throw out of four, no matter what happens, we must coach our kids to be gracious people. 

I will certainly be proud to see my kids earn their black belts in Tae Kwon Do.  More important, though, is I want to see that they enjoyed their time spent achieving that level of performance, regardless of whether they defeat everyone else on the first round or if it takes them an extra year’s worth of lessons and training. 

Sid Whiting is the father of three and the husband of one. He lives with his wife Gail and their children in Springfield, Missouri. He also enjoys real estate investing, serving in the 135th Army Band as a percussionist and bass guitarist, and plays in the Praise Band "Soul Purpose" and the "Hallelujah Bells" hand bell choir.  He can be reached for comment or question at sid.whiting75@gmail.com or on Facebook (www.facebook.com/WiseSteward).

Teaching Good Sportsmanship

I played sports all my life.  For me, sports were a place to learn lessons in life.  I learned about teamwork, working together, and respect for coaches and others.  Many of the lessons I learned in sports I can now apply in life.              

I have three sons.  They have played sports since they were young.  They played soccer, hockey, and football; they also ran cross country and track.  As dad of my boys, it was as important to me to teach them about good sportsmanship as it was to teach them how to play the sport itself.   

I have seen Mike Tyson bite off Evander Holyfield’s ear in a boxing match.  I have seen John McEnroe’s temper tantrums on the tennis court.  I once saw a college soccer player grab hold of an opponent’s pony tail and jerk her to the ground.  These are not the best examples of good sportsmanship. 

When it comes to good sportsmanship, I believe that it is my place, and every dad’s place, to teach their children.  Good Sportsmanship does not just happen by accident.  A good jump shot in basketball, a good slap shot in hockey, and good sportsmanship must be taught and practiced.   To me, it would be unacceptable to raise my boys to be good at sports but not to be good sports. 

I was at hockey camp one year where a father of one of the boys was yelling and screaming at his son throughout a game.  Finally, one of the other dads walked up, put his arm around his shoulder, and gently said, “Hey, that’s your son out there.”  True words. Every person on the field or rink or court is someone’s child. 

I want you to envision six- year-old children at a birthday party playing “Candyland.”  On your daughter’s turn she draws the card that sends her back to the Gum Drop Forest. Can you imagine yourself screaming, “No!  Not the Gum Drop Forest?”  Can you imagine someone else saying, “It’s only a game?” 

At the heart of good sportsmanship are three key traits and behaviors that are imperative for all relationships and endeavors with others:  1) You must have a humble heart that is gracious in victory and dignified in defeat; 2) you must control your emotions and your actions; and 3) you must respect yourself, your coach, the referee, and your opponent. 

We will fail from time to time and we will not act our best.  This should be the exception and not the norm.  Every good athlete drops the ball; we will, too.  We should make no excuse or blame.  We should take responsibility for your bad sportsmanship and then begin again. 

I am not the best dad in the world and I am not always the best sport, either.  But I am getting better at each by being part of the team with you. 

Jeff Sippy, a Dad-In-Training, is the father of three young men and the husband of Cindy. He enjoys sailing every chance that he gets. He is the senior pastor at Redeemer Lutheran in Springfield, MO and can be reached for question or comment at jsippy@rlcmail.org.