Competition versus Cooperation -- Dr. Jennifer Baker

“In what areas of life do you find yourself most competitive? At work? In athletic activities? In card or board games? Debating controversial topics? “

That’s what the men at this week’s Good Dads lunch talked about around the tables on Tuesday. It was a lively discussion. We had just listened to Coach Dave Steckel, Missouri State head football coach, talk about the important qualities required for successful athletes. He emphasized the importance of A, B, C and D – attitude, behavior, care (as in caring about what we do), and discipline. These things, he said, were important to being a good competitor.

But Coach Steckel also said he thought children should not be introduced to organized sports at too early of an age. The experts agree. “Stec,” as he is also called, emphasized the importance of participating in more than one activity, being a well-rounded athlete.

So where does that leave us with competition? When and how early should a child be introduced to competitive activities? Is there a danger in starting too soon? How do you guide a naturally aggressive child who focuses on winning early and often? What about the child who enjoys playing with others, but demonstrates little concern for winning?

Competition does have its pros and cons. It can motivate people to try harder and do better. It offers an opportunity for children to learn to win and lose gracefully. It is “real life” in that we don’t always win or get what we want.

On the down side, too much competition can promote anxiety and damage self-esteem. It can encourage counter-productive activities like cheating or a lack of teamwork. Too great a focus on competition can also be a distraction,for example, a child worries so much about what she is doing she has difficulty being “in the zone” of the game. Experts are most concerned that many children, by junior high age, resist participation in a activity because they don’t see themselves as good enough, i.e., if they can’t have a reasonable chance of winning, they prefer not to engage. This is not good news for the rising trend in obesity and an obsession with "screen time."

Relative to competition, cooperation is held in much higher regard by many. Experts say cooperation brings out the best in us, e.g., higher salaries, higher grades, greater creativity and increased self-esteem. Participants in an activity that requires cooperation also express a better sense of community, belonging and acceptance. They feel more in control of their lives and less dependent on the approval of others.

On the down side, too much cooperation can result in “group-think,” the “yes-man syndrome,” or misplaced conformity. We need leaders, entrepreneurs and innovators. We need people who know how to get along with others, but aren’t afraid to stick up for novel or unpopular ideas.

So how do we help children learn to compete and cooperate? Consider the following:

     Focus on doing well. Coach Steckel said it. I recall my father saying it. I’m thinking every good coach says it. The best players learn to compete against themselves, paying attention to how to improve their own ability, as opposed to just beating an opponent.

     

     Notice excellence in others. Help your child notice the good efforts of others and comment encouragingly. When you teach them to observe excellence in team members and say positive things, you reinforce the importance of working together, celebrating the abilities of all.

Reinforce team effort. Comment positively on the ways and times in which your child works well with others to achieve a shared goal, in athletic activities and other projects. This will help your child avoid thinking he is the center of his own little universe.

It turns out that children from about 3rd or 4th grade up tend to enjoy activities most that require cooperation and competition. They benefit from working as a team to achieve a common goal. They like to play a part in helping their group be successful. It's not an "either or" situation, but rather the right combination of both with a greater focus on collaboration and cooperation the younger the child.

Jennifer Baker is the Founder and Director of Good Dads. She is the wife of one, mother of two and grandmother of eight. She can be reached for question or comment at jennifer@gooddads.com.

Guardians of Their Galaxies

Both my wife and I grew up in homes where our parents worked hard and took care for not only of what they labored, but also of what they had been given. When it came time for us to raise our own family, we knew we wanted to instill in our children the idea of being good stewards or guardians of the resources and gifts this life afforded. Children and adults alike seem to appreciate things more when there is the element of “ownership” or “buy-in.” When we hear the word “steward” or the term “resource management,” we most often think of money, but there are so many other “resources” that we can teach our children to be thoughtful and caring guardians of.

Much has been written regarding money management and children. Some financial gurus suggest the save, give, spend method, instructing the young in the art of taking care of personal needs and wants, while blessing others who might be in need. We definitely saw a difference in the management of monetary resources when our boys were the ones working for them. A child, or adult for that matter, is more apt to think before rapidly spending on items that are foolish or unnecessary. But, what about resources other than money, aren’t they worthy of our attention as well?

Parents, and often fathers in particular, struggle with managing time and especially time for family. This is one of the reasons it is so important to emphasize the management of the time resources right along with the financial resources. If we only focus on setting good examples in wisely using our money, what are we saying to our children? It seems that to so many people, money is more important than time, and often more important than people. They would not say that, but the way they live certainly demonstrates that value. 

Of course, I am not saying that we don’t need to work hard and provide for those we love, but with the hard work ethic we need to slip in the “making the most of our time” ethic. Working smarter so we can enjoy the people and activities we love. Do you have a planner or calendar of some sort? Let your children see it. Make fun, bright, easy-to-read and understand poster calendars for your little one’s room. Have fun checking off tasks and celebrating accomplishments. Point out the glory of getting the work out of the way in such an expedient manner that your family finds extra time for that movie night.

In addition to finances and time, what about natural resources? You don’t have to make Earth Day shirts and start living off the grid, but could you run the shower less and turn the lights off in unused rooms? Little wastes and thoughtlessness adds up, and it’s so good for our children to learn the concept of conserving at a young age. My wife and I laugh about our fathers yelling, “Shut the door! I’m not paying to heat or cool the entire neighborhood!” and “Close the closet doors and turn out those lights!” It drove us nuts as kids, but we both are very careful to do all of the aforementioned because of the wisdom that comes from being responsible for the bills. Just the other day we received yet another confirmation that our now grown sons were watching us shut, close and turn out all along.

“Dad,” my oldest said over the phone, “we just got our electric bill. Seriously, it was ridiculous! Now I totally get your constantly badgering us to turn the lights out and shut the doors.” I laughed, but grimaced in hopes that this wasn’t the only thing he saw me managing well during his formative years. I didn’t have to worry for long. “It’s been a long week. I haven’t had much time at home with my wife. I went in early and stayed late tonight so we can have the whole day together tomorrow. It stunk to be at the office so long, but so worth it when I think of the family time we’ll now be getting.”  Guard your galaxy son. Guard your galaxy. 

Kevin Weaver, CEO of Network211 and father of three sons, lives with his wife KyAnne in Springfield, MO. He enjoys spending time with family, hunting and watching University of Kansas basketball with his boys! He can be reached at kweaver@network211.com

Helping Children Beyond the Here, the Now and Themselves -- Jeff Sippy, Dad-in-Training

No family is perfect and every family has its secrets.  The secret in our family was kept for 35 years. 

We were to go on a picnic on a Sunday afternoon right after church.  The house was to be clean. Everyone was to be up and ready for church.  No fighting.  As soon as you get home get going, get your clothes changed, and get in the car.      

I believe the sermon was on Forgiveness.  If it wasn’t it should have been.  But there would be no forgiveness that day.      

Picnics were a sacred thing in our family.  Mom would fry up the chicken, put it under foil, and put it in the fridge.  Her potato salad is the best in the world and a tempting midnight snack.  But the unspoken rule was well understood:  Don’t touch the chicken.  Don’t get into the salad.      

We got home from church.  The absolution was pronounced and judgement was to come.   Mom opened the fridge.  The foil was not in place.  A piece of chicken was gone. 

Parents need to realize that children are not merely being raised for the moment or for themselves.  “No” can be a very good word.  We want to raise children who think more of others than of themselves, who are content with what they have, and who are generous with others.             

Mom went into orbit.  It seemed to last forever before mom and dad finally dashed out of the house with the chicken and potato salad.     

It was quiet for a time until someone dared to ask the obvious:  Who took the chicken?  No judgement. No guilt.  No shame.  But no one confessed. 

My parents instilled great values in us.  Life is not all about you.  Put the needs of others before your own.  Be content and grateful with what you have.  Don’t live just for the moment and don’t live just for yourselves.   

For 35 years no one spoke of the matter until Mr. and Mrs. Sippy’s 50^th anniversary.    It was a grand occasion.  But the question had to be asked.  In the midst of the merriment my sister Renee insisted that the secret finally be revealed.  “Who ate the chicken?”   

The room was silent until a quiet voice finally spoke.  “I ate the chicken.” 

The room erupted.  It was Dad -- Don Sippy!  My Dad cried he laughed so hard.  My mom kissed him and told him how terrible he was.  “You made those kids suffer all those years!”

We suffered very little.  My parents delivered us from ourselves.  They taught us to put the needs of others before our own.  They taught us to live not for the moment and some instant gratification.  They taught us to be content with what we have and generous with others. 

It’s no secret:  Being a parent is no picnic.  But it is easier when we help and encourage each other.   

Jeff Sippy, a Dad-In-Training, is the father of three young men and the husband of Cindy. He enjoys sailing every chance that he gets. He is the senior pastor at Redeemer Lutheran in Springfield, MO and can be reached for question or comment at jsippy@rlcmail.org

A Good Dad and the Power of Play -- Dr. Jennifer Baker

“The Power of Play” – that’s the theme for the Downtown Dads Spring Lunch Series. I’m very excited about this series for a number of reasons. Here a just a few:

1)    Dads tend to play with their children more than moms. Moms may actually spend more time with their youngsters than dads, but moms tend to be involved in activities like feeding, bathing, changing, clothing and comforting. A mother’s contribution is essential to helping a child feel safe and secure. And, of course, many dads do these things too. It’s just that dads tend to bring something to the equation.

2)   Unstructured play, essential to healthy child development, is disappearing from the American landscape.  Children still play, but today many of them engage in activities structured by a screen, designed to teach skills of some sort, or organized with rules and limits overseen by adults. The days of children making up their own games and activities with kids in the neighborhood are waning. Even if they wanted to do this, fewer opportunities exist.

3)    Play is important for developing curiosity, creativity, and imagination. According to Dr. David Elkind, author of The Power of Play, “These abilities are like muscles. If you don’t use them, you lose them.” Many of today’s toys are programmed to solicit a specific response or reaction from a child, limiting their creativity and imagination. Toys with multiple uses, e.g., blocks, Legos, etc. are good options because children use them in a variety of ways.

In the weeks to come, we’ll be exploring a number of ways dads can playfully interact with their children. Our lunches, podcasts and blog themes will all focus on this essential activity. As a way of introduction to this topic, consider the following points from The Power of Play.

·      

• Support and encourage your child’s own self-initiated learning activities.
• Join your child in his or her play.
• Take care in choosing your child’s toys.
• Encourage dramatic play, especially with preschoolers.
• Read to your child as a way to stimulate imagination and support healthy language learning.
• Play games with rules with your school-age child to help them learn social skills, develop strategies, take risks, and learn skills of observation and evaluation.

I hope you’ll join us in the important topic of play in one or more ways over the next five weeks. It’s bound to be a lot of fun.

Jennifer Baker is the Founder and Director of Good Dads. She is the wife of one, mother of two and grandmother of eight. She can be reached for question or comment at jennifer@gooddads.com.

Work Hard to Play -- Springfield Dad and Grandfather Kevin Weaver

There is hardly a person on the planet that doesn’t like the opportunity to play. Of course, the term “play” has varying meanings at varying ages. For instance, play to a two-year-old might mean whacking a bowl with a mixing spoon, while play to a 10-year-old might mean hours of meticulously building multi-thousand-piece Lego lands. A teenager? Often sports come to mind, while in the world of adults – at least for me – it has often meant long motorcycle trips or quietly fishing by the lake. To my wife? Drop her off at any local décor super store and she can happily play all day.

Just how important is play and playing with our kids? I don’t simply mean the battle over “going outside vs. staying inside game,” either. Is it about what our children are playing, or is it more about the fact they are playing and that we, as parents, are encouraging and engaging as well?  

I get being a young man who is also a young parent. In the very season of life I was trying to navigate my way through a career path, my wife and I eagerly also brought into the task of navigating the parenting path as well. The trend for “career first, family second” may be on the upswing, but that blueprint never crossed our life desks. We didn’t want to wait for kids, and the kids would have to eat . . . so, the balancing began. With long days and sometimes long nights of working, just seeing my kids, let alone playing with them, seemed a monumental feat.  I learned  playtime didn’t have to involve loading up the mini-van with a picnic basket and sports’ gear in a run for the local park for an entire afternoon. It’s a great gig if you can make it happen, but when you can’t, there’s hope.

While organized play was a huge part of our boys’ childhoods (and might I add the one non-athlete’s marching band camps and practices rivaled the rigor and fun of the two athletes baseball, basketball, and football endeavors offered), impromptu play proved to be their favorite. To this day, my grown sons rarely mention a thing about one of the many sporting activities or all-day family play outings, but rather they recall the five-minute, nightly, free-for-alls. They can give a true “play-by-play” about these encounters.

Kids are smart. Kids know. Kids are wise enough to know that sometimes dads work long hours and can’t coach their teams and can’t take an entire afternoon to go to the park. That’s when they’re smart enough to know that those minutes in which a tired, hard-working dad turns into a goofy Godzilla to make brushing teeth and going to bed more fun are some of the most meaningful play dates they will ever have.

For me, the bottom line was that I just wanted to connect with my boys whenever and however I could.  In the midst of all this, I learned something very important; the power of play can never be underestimated.  Sure, hard work is the foundation of an ethic that can move our kids to success.  If you can’t enjoy what you work for and find enjoyment in what your life has to offer, what’s the point?

So, my family and I chose to “play” and enjoy this adventure we call life.  And, more importantly . . . we do it whenever possible!  Looking back, it is one of most important ingredients to our family bond. 

Kevin Weaver, CEO of Network211 and father of three sons, lives with his wife KyAnne in Springfield, MO. He enjoys spending time with family, hunting and watching University of Kansas basketball with his boys! He can be reached at kweaver@network211.com

Play with Others: The Cousins are Here!

(This post is from our archive and is shared again here with updated photos as a reminder of the joy children--and cousins--find in playing with each other. Of course, dads and moms are important in making this happen.) 

"The cousins are here! The cousins are here!" This is was what the Boy was shouting at dinner last night as my sister's family arrived. The Boy has the best time when his cousins come all the way from Missouri to Texas to visit. Since my sister also has a set of twins plus one, we have an unusual bond as parents besides being siblings. The difference is that at her house it’s all girls and at ours, it’s all boys all the time—with the exception of my lovely wife. Of course, with six children age 3 and under, bedtime was a bit more tricky then usual, but once we got everybody down the adults were able to kick back and enjoy some wine and tea to close out the evening.

Everybody, and I mean everybody, was up by 7 a.m. this morning, but in a house the size of ours that really isn't a surprise. I am just glad we made it that long.

Of course the Boy knows we have to go out and ride the bike at least once a day during the “30 Days of Biking,” even when the cousins are here. He figured the best way to accomplish this was to load up the bike trailer with all three toddlers and ride off to get some donuts. It sounded like a good idea to me, and so off we went. I am pretty sure that loading three small children into the trailer exceeded safety regulations, but they didn't seem to mind, even if the Boy was forced to sit on the floor. (It’s amazing why you’ll do when your cousins come to town.) We all had a great little ride and there was no complaining. WELL ACTUALLY, there was just a little complaining. All three passengers felt I should have been going faster when we came to an uphill section. I tried to explain to them it wasn't easy pulling 110 pounds of kids around, but this argument didn't quell their demand for greater speed.

As with all good things, the weekend finally came to an end and everybody was exhausted but very happy.  After a weekend full of fun and family, I am reminded of this Manifesto from Holstee.  "This is your LIFE.  Do what you want and do it often!"  I love spending time with family and will continue to do it as often as possible. I hope my boys will do the same.

*Minor Baker and his sister are now the parents of four children each, so there’s even more fun when all the cousins get together. This occurred a few months back when eight cousins, 20 months to 9 years of age, occupied the same house for four days. Many memories are made when the cousins visit. Minor can be reached for questions and comment at minorbaker@gmail.com.

The Playful Dad -- Jeff Sippy, Springfield Dad in Training

I am a wack-o.  Wack-o is a layman’s term for what a professional therapist might diagnose as a bit up-tight, too anxious, overwhelmed, and sometimes controlling.  I don’t try to be.  It just happened one day or another after my first child was born, continued with the birth of my second and the third, the next 25 years, and 1,000 life events.  Trips to the ER, college tuition, sports, dating, and the death of my parents have just about done me in.  I used to be so playful and at ease about everything.  What happened?  I became a parent.  So I am a wack-o.       

It is not good to be a wack-o.  Being a wack-o is not the way to be a Good Dad, either.  Good Dads work hard and are responsible, model good behavior and character, and teach all kinds of things like right and wrong, how to drive, and how to catch a fish.  But Good Dads are not all work and no play.  Good Dads are relaxed and playful.  If you are not there yet, no worries!  Let’s help each other lighten up and brighten up.  

A playful Dad is a gracious dad.  A playful Dad understands that children make mistakes, get into trouble, go down the wrong path, are sometime ornery, anxious, and even uptight.  So are we!!

Do you ever wonder where uptight, anxious children come from?  They come from anxious, uptight Dads!  Our children learn from you and me.  Let’s teach them to be relaxed and playful rather than uptight and anxious. 
    

My three boys, Clayton, Aaron, and Jason are teaching me to lighten up and brighten up.  My boys are literally the life of my party.  They tickle me till I cannot breathe.  They pour ice water on me when I am in the shower.  They hide my dinner plate when I am not looking.  They tell me horrible, rude, offensive stories that would have made their Grandma Lita blush.  They don’t let up until I laugh out loud.   

Playful Dad goes with the flow.  They don’t try to make their children something they are not – from straight A students, to star athletes, to the best in the band.  Let them find their way on a pathway marked with playfulness, mercy, and grace.  Let your children pick the restaurant, where they want to go on vacation, and what they want to study in college.  Because of my boys, I have learned how to ice skate, play hockey, and how to sail.  We have gone white water rafting and climbed 14,000 foot mountains in Colorado. 

                                                     

                                                    

                        

I’m still a wack-o but I am less of a wack-o each day.  It is not easy being a Dad.  But it is easier, and more fun when we help each other and when we learn to lighten up, brighten up, and be a bit more playful.  If I can be a help or blessing to you I am always close by!

Jeff Sippy, a Dad-In-Training, is the father of three young men and the husband of Cindy. He enjoys sailing every chance that he gets. He is the senior pastor at Redeemer Lutheran in Springfield, MO and can be reached for question or comment at jsippy@rlcmail.org