Do You Have FOMO? -- by Dr. Jennifer Baker

FOMO – that’s what some people use for “Fear of Missing Out,” that is, being so concerned about missing something important you are rarely actually present in the moment. For some, this means constant connection to social media. Who hasn’t seen people in a lovely setting – couples in a cozy restaurant, families at the beach or on vacation, parents at the park with their children – but they are really somewhere else because their attention is their phones. They are really fairly oblivious to what is going on right in front of their nose because they’re distracted by, and engaged with, something on their smart phone. In many cases they have FOMO, a fear of missing out on a group text, a post on Instagram or Facebook, or an interaction on an online game. There are so many options to grab their attention and they fear missing out.

FOMO can be a problem with social media, but it can also be a concern when it comes to our kids’ activities. There’s real pressure to put kids in sports at earlier and earlier ages. I recently heard a parent say she has some regret about not putting her children in basketball earlier because now they were “so far behind” skill-wise as 11-year-olds she didn’t know if they could catch up. It wasn’t that long ago that 10- and 11-year-olds were just beginning to learn skills related to soccer, basketball, volleyball and the like, but in the past 15-20 years, pressure to participate has pushed down to younger and younger children. It’s not uncommon now to see 4-year-olds enrolled in organized sports. I doubt that a majority of parents enjoy spending a significant portion of their Saturday morning standing on the sidelines of a soccer field, especially when their children are quite young. I would guess that many feel pressure from other parents and they “fear missing out” for their child’s sake. Kids start so young these days. What if their child is left out?

I’ve got nothing against organized sports, music lessons, gymnastics, karate, or any number of things we allow our children to try. The problem comes when families are so over-scheduled they rarely spend time sitting at the same table eating with and talking to each other. When this happens, most conversations take place in a car coming or going from an event if – and this is a big if – kids and parents are not distracted by radio, podcasts, videos in the back seat, and so on. Over time, kids tend to feel more disconnected from their parents and parents find it hard to engage their children.

What’s a concerned parent to do? Here are few things to consider:

     1.   Allow children, especially from middle school up, to use social media, but supervise.

     2.   Establish some “media free” times at home or in the car, e.g., during mealtimes and at times when you want to talk.

     3.   Restrict access to social media, including texting, after a certain hour at night to help your child establish healthy boundaries and good sleep routines.

     4.   Decide in advance of other “pressuring parents” how many activities in which your child will participate. What are the implications on your family life of more than one “activity” per child per season?

     5;   Identify some goals you have for your child. There’s a big world out there. What do you want them to see? Who do you want them to spend time with? What do you want them to learn? 

Social media and sporting activities have their place in childhood and adolescence, but there’s more to life than what occurs on a screen or athletic field.

Fear of Missing Out: Two Perspectives -- Springfield Father of Two -- Clayton Ballard

This is my first attempt at writing for a blog, so please, set your expectations low and take it easy on me. In the grand scheme of things, I am a rookie at this parenting thing. I'm figuring it out as I go (or possibly making it up as I go) and I by no means have it all figured out. But, then again, no one does. I am the father of two young children: a 3-year-old daughter and a son who is a little over 1-years-old. They certainly keep my wife and I busy . . . and entertained. 

The topic I was given is a difficult one: "Fear of Missing Out vs. Joy of Missing Out? How much activity is best?" I feel like this is very subjective and varies with every child (and every parent). The easy answer is that the answer depends on the kid. But, something else occurred to me when I was writing: this topic could be viewed two-ways . . . the parent’s point of view and the child’s point of view. So, I decided to write about that. 

Both of our kids have a serious case of Fear of Missing Out, or as we like to call it, FOMO. They always think they are missing out on something, or that someone else is doing something fun they are missing out on. For our oldest, this has led to issues getting her to sleep or dropping her off at daycare. We've tried to convince her we aren't doing anything fun after she goes to bed . . . unless you consider meal-prepping for the next day or washing dishes fun. Recently, my wife took our daughter to a dentist appointment and dropped her off at daycare afterwards. That led to a meltdown because my daughter wanted to stay with my wife. My wife is an accountant and tried to explain to our daughter absolutely nothing fun was going to happen when she was at work. Her words fell upon deaf ears because my daughter KNEW she was missing out on something. 

At the same time, we try not to cram-pack our free time with activities. I think this is where the Joy of Missing Out comes into play. At this stage in the game, we've limited our kids’ activities to mainly just swim lessons. My wife has done some mom and baby yoga a handful of times, but we don't want to overwhelm them. Actually, if we're being honest, we don't want to overwhelm us. We would much rather have a family dinner at home and go for a walk or watch a movie than spend two hours at a 3-year-old t-ball practice. I'm not knocking other parents, because I would never do that (see the statement above about it varying with every child and parent). But, you won't find me at any sort of organized sport activity for at least 5 more years. I don't have the patience to sit and watch. For me, that is the joy of missing out (for parents and for kids). I think this FOMO for parents sometimes leads to overwhelming schedules and burnt-out kids. 

It occurred to me that we, as parents, have a case of FOMO as well. At least I know I do. We don't want to miss out on the amazing things our kids do. We don't want to miss out on fun they're having, e.g., first words, first steps, seeing their personalities develop. The reality is we cannot be there for absolutely everything. When my wife tells me she was playing with our son and he said, "sister," I spend the next 10 minutes trying to get him to re-create the moment because I don't want to miss that moment.

In closing, I will fall back on my original assessment, i.e., "How much activity is best?" depends on the child and the situation. It is important to find that balance. We try to let our kids be who they are and do what they want to do. To that end, I think it is important to let them try what they want to try. But, I also think it is important to make them finish what they start. Lastly, we try really hard not to make our kids participate in something that they don’t want to do. To that end, I don’t think you should make a kid do an activity just because you want them to do it. I think that is parental FOMO and that has the potential to turn out badly.

Clayton Ballard is the father of two small children. He is also a Good Dads board member and an attorney for Great Southern Bank. He can be reached for question or comment at dballard@greatsouthernbank.com.

Sometimes being a good dad is difficult. That’s the focus of the Good Dads 2018 Fall Lunch Series. Attend the lunches and you’ll hear from real dads speak openly about some of the challenges they’ve faces. These include the following:

Dominic Casper: A dad who didn’t have a good dad

Steve Moser: A dad who has experienced divorce and remarriage

Danny Perches: A dad whose child is “different” 

Matt Miller:   A dad whose child has experienced a serious cancer

Norm Haas:  A divorced dad who travels for work and has had to spend many nights away from his child

Tom Seboldt:  A dad who has experienced the challenges of kids who rebel.

In addition to hearing the real life stories and struggles of several different dads, the lunches will also feature strategies to help dads cope with challenges and struggles. 

Rev. Laura Murphy, parenting expert and educator, will talk to dads about ways to help a child with ADHD and other learning challenges. 

Clinical psychologist and family therapist, Dr. Jennifer Baker, will offer ideas and training on ways to handle various challenges in healthy ways.

Good Dads is grateful to Youngblood Automotive, Springfield Lutheran, King’s Way United Methodist, Mercy, and BKD, Inc. for hosting and sponsoring the Fall Lunch Series. 

When we help dads be more engaged and successful with their children, we are truly “helping kids one dad at a time.”

To register, please go to gooddads.com or click the following link:  http://www.gooddads.com/tuesday.html

Prime Driver–Robert Hullett–Stays Connected with his Family

Robert Hullett has been with Prime nearly two years—7 months driving accompany truck and more recently, as a lease operator. He currently drives a 2016 Peterbilt and is looking forward to upgrading to a 2019 Peterbilt soon. He drives a “reefer” (refrigerator trailer). During the last two years, Robert has learned a lot about making money, saving money, and setting aside time to be with family—all skills and information he shares as a trainer with new drivers at Prime. As a solo driver, he says he averages $4000-$7500/week [gross revenue] depending on how the loads run the proximity of delivery sites between pick up and drop off.

Before coming to Prime, Robert worked for 25 years in warehousing, so he has a good understanding of the shipping and receiving side of trucking. He has done it all – loading, unloading, reception, shipping and receiving, and describes coming to Prime as a career boost. He hopes to have a long career with Prime and eventually move to a position as fleet manager, a job for which he believes he is well qualified with his background in warehousing. Even so, he sees himself as continuing to learn every day on the most financially rewarding loads and freight lanes.

Robert has researched and thought about driving a truck for more than 20 years—according to him, since he was in the sandbox. He was influenced by the fathers of friends, who also drove a truck. He also credits his desire to drive to wanting to provide in the best way possible for his family.

Robert has three daughters – two he shares with his fiancée, ages 6- and 9-years-old. During the summer months, he does the best he can to arrange time to take them with him—something the girls really enjoy. When possible, he arranges loads with his family on the truck and they go on vacation together.

Staying Connected

Robert stays connected with his loved ones in through his cell phone. When he’s not driving, he uses video chat and Facebook. His goal is to use a video camera focused on him while he’s driving (a vlog) allowing his family to see what he is doing while he’s driving without him seeing them, thus eliminating distractions for him while he’s on the road. He loves the idea of sharing his view from the road, including many of his scenic vistas, with his fiancée and daughters at home.

Reflecting on the lyrics of “Barbed Wire and Roses,” Robert acknowledges that “being a truck driver can ruin a family because if you’re not home, you miss out on so much.” He’s realistic about the challenges drivers face in staying connected with their loved ones, but continues to remain optimistic about ways to stay in touch.

Advice to New Drivers

Robert has trained close to 50 drivers, so he has had more than a few opportunities to pass along words of encouragement and wisdom to new drivers. Here are a few of his thoughts:

1)  Use cameras, video chatting and even make a video diary to stay in touch with loved ones.

2)  Budget time and finance for home time.

3)  Let your family know how important they are to you. Robert has named his LLC after his three daughters.

4)  Keep family members informed. Let them know what’s going on with you. Talk frequently.

5)  Consider allowing your partner to handing the bookkeeping so you’ll both know what’s going on.

6)  Stay flexible in your thinking and approach to the challenges you face, e.g., sometimes it’s possible to stop by for a brief visit with your kids when your route runs near home.

Fear of Missing Out Vs The Joy of Missing Out: How Much Activity is Best? -- By Jeffrey Sippy, a Dad in Training

I recently had a total hip replacement.  In good care of my new hip I am faced with my doctor’s good counsel of how much activity is the right amount of activity.  In the true spirit of Goldilocks I am not to do too much or too little.  There is a balance of activity for me that is just right.     

Parents sometimes struggle with this balance of too much and too little when it comes to the activity of their children.  Parents can be led to believe that if their children are not doing everything, or much of everything, than their children are missing out on something.  Parents can be led to believe that their children must try a little bit of everything to find out what they might be really good at – from voice lessons and violin, soccer and saxophone, skating and skiing and scouting. 

There are two diving forces that pressure parents into too much activity.  On one hand, parents want to position their children for greatness so that their children have the best of all opportunities.  And on the other hand, parents know just how cruel and critical the world can be. Parents then position their children for greatness in hopes of protecting their children from bullies and critical people.

First, your children will not be the best at anything.  They won’t.  Get over it.  Your children are average and just fine the way they are.  Second, you will never protect your children from bullies or critics.  You won’t.  I am sorry. 

So, as Good Dads, let us not burden our children with the unfortunate expectations of others -- not well intended grandparents, neighbors, or the people of the church.  You are the Dad – and you are a Good Dad.  Do not “outsource” your child’s health, confidence, or esteem to anyone other than you. 

Ask yourself right now, “What do I most want for my child?”  And now ask yourself “Who is the best person to provide these values and opportunities for my child?” 

Involve your children in dialogue and choices of what activities that they pursue, and what they will not.  Allow your children a voice in the matter and do not shame them when they no longer want to play soccer or the saxophone.  It is okay for our children to try new things and it is okay for our children to say when enough is enough. 

More important than your child’s activities are the values your children are learning.  As a Good Dad, your personal one – on – one time with your children gives you the time to nurture and encourage your children to be the people you most want them to be.  In the Spirit of Goldilocks you do not want your children to be too much of this or too much of that.  You want them to be just right.

   Jeff Sippy, a Dad-In-Training, is the father of three young men and the husband of Cindy. He enjoys sailing every chance that he gets. He is the senior pastor at Redeemer Lutheran in Springfield, MO and can be reached for question or comment at jsippy@rlcmail.org

Life Lessons from School -- Nixa Dad, Herb Cody

I am a father of three beautiful, talented and amazing children. This is the first year in which each of our three kids attend a different school. Our mornings are hectic and we are crunched for time, so that I may get each child to school without being tardy. They rarely eat a nutritious breakfast to get their day off to a great start. Sometimes my 13-year-old goes to school wearing his 7-year-old brother’s shirt or shorts. Many times, my 7-year-old goes to school with mismatched socks, orange shorts and a red shirt, as if he is auditioning for a part as a clown in a school play. Neither boy makes any attempt to do anything with their hair. My daughter, who is now in high school, has a closet full of clothes, yet she keeps a solid rotation of five outfits she prefers to wear week after week. I’ve resorted to hiding things, just to make her wear some of her other clothing.

This year, the kids are in 2nd, 8th and 9th grade. There have been many ups and downs along the way. I’ve learned that I have to be able to handle each challenge and each child differently. Compared to those years when I was going through the public school system, it seems like a whole new world today. 

I always thought I’d be the good dad, who would sit down and help my kids with their homework when they needed it. When my oldest two began junior high, they both struggled in math. I figured this would be my time to shine . . . Dad to the rescue! I quickly realized, this thing called “Common Core” was beyond my comprehension. I felt helpless, and like some sort of a high school dropout with 6th grade level intelligence. I had to set up tutoring sessions for each of them during 7th grade. While my daughter caught on and ended up getting good grades for the year, my son did not. He struggled all year. His struggles in math, led him to give up in other classes as well. He wasn’t doing his homework, or attempting to retake tests for better grades. He started to lash out with the teachers. He teetered between an F and D in math, and D and C in science and history all year. It wasn’t until I took him to the doctor to get a checkup, I realized his prescription for ADD was no longer working. After getting an adjustment in his meds, he was able to finish with three C’s in those classes where he had struggled. He has started his 8th grade off with all A’s and I couldn’t be more proud of him. 

I felt pretty good about getting a teenage daughter through junior high, without many issues. I have tried to be up front and honest with her about the things she will be introduced to throughout her school years. I had pre-warned her about the possibility of boys asking her for inappropriate photos, and sure enough, her school was in the news, as police confiscated phones from 7th and 8th graders who were sharing these types of photos. I was happy to learn she was not involved. Now she is a freshman in high school. She has a good heart and she is beautiful inside and out. Just last week, I found out she has a “boyfriend,” who according to her, was a sophomore. I had a discussion with her regarding high school boys, dating, and my expectations.

The very next day, a family friend whose son attends the same school, called me and informed me my daughter is holding hands in the hallways with a Senior. His son had sent him a text about it. I spent the rest of the afternoon digging up as much info on this boy that I could. My daughter and I had a long night of talking that evening, with what I believe to be good results. I did have to ground her from her phone for lying to me, which she understood. 

There are so many things that can cross up our children as they make their way through school, grade by grade. As parents, we have to give them room to learn and grow from mistakes, yet we have to constantly be aware and stay on top of things so we can keep them safe from the huge mistakes. 

Herb Cody is a husband and father of three. He is a part time Uber driver and full time caregiver of his spouse, who suffered a traumatic brain injury after an auto accident November, 2015. Herb loves football and is a St. Louis Cardinals fanatic. He and his family live in Nixa MO. Herb can be reached for questions or comments at herbie05@yahoo.com

You can check out Herb's own blog at www.thecodylife.weebly.com

Encouraging the Late Bloomer -- Good Dads Board Member, Celeste Skidmore

How can two children growing up in the same house with the same parents be so different when it comes to motivation and self-discipline?  This was the mantra in our home when my husband and I were called to Cherokee Middle School to have a meeting with ALL of our son’s 7^th grade teachers (in one room) to discuss his unwillingness to turn in assigned work – even when that work could be completed during regular class time.  His older sister (by five years) never had to be told to do her homework, had great attendance, and excellent grades.  Both children were tested for the Springfield Public School’s Wings program prior to second grade, and both qualified with the exact same IQ score.  So what was the problem?  Simple—high IQ doesn’t necessarily go hand-in-hand with high motivation. 

When we met with Jake’s counselor in middle school, we were told that sometimes adolescent boys can never be motivated, we were in denial. Surely there was another reason—not our son. Maybe we needed to be stricter and use more punishment.  

After no luck in finding any consequences or punishment that would change Jake’s actions, the next few years were a struggle.  The key to keeping him from getting failing grades was lots of involvement and staying the course.  The push back was relentless and many times wore us down, but we knew that deep inside the teenage boy who said he didn’t care about getting good grades was a very smart young man.  We celebrated the victories no matter how small.  Many times we had to set the bar lower and work our way up, and then there were the times when a new semester began and we reminded Jake he had an opportunity to start fresh and at the top. 

I wish I could tell you that loving your children and giving them the attention they need will conquer any problem. It certainly does help, but with Jake it took us until he was 15 to finally uncover the motivation he needed.  When we informed him he could only take his drivers’ test if he had a “B” average, he turned the corner.  After his grades improved, he was given more opportunities to show what he could do if given more responsibility and he flourished.  It was like a light bulb went off in his head and he discovered how much better everything could be if he followed the rules.

Many of you reading this are dads (and moms) of young children and want your children to be successful in school and in life.  You may already know parenting can be one of the most challenging and most rewarding things you will ever do.  We are now the parents of two adult children, ages 32 and 27, who both turned out to have an amazing work ethic and a “never give up” attitude.  Though the path they each took to get to school and life success looked different, our children turned out to be more than we could have hoped for.  

Have you figured out what motivates your child to be successful in school? It could take some time and experimentation to identify what works, but don’t give up. Remember, success doesn’t always look the same for all children. Finding out what makes them tick can be exciting, challenging and rewarding for you and them.

Celeste Skidmore is a member of the Good Dads board. She can be reached for question or comment at celeste@adsmith.biz.