Who Influences Your Kids?

One of my son's teachers, who also happens to be a very good friend, gave the kid a graduation card that was a special encouragement to him.  I was moved when I read it as my friend talked about being a young man of integrity and honor, of using his gifts to make the world a better place, and to honor the God who gave them.  I realized how blessed I am to have other excellent examples in my kid's lives because God knows that they need more positive role models than me or most of the knuckleheads in our culture who happen to be famous. I really am grateful for the other men and women who appreciate my children and challenge them in ways that I never could.  I want to foster that discernment in them to surround themselves with people who will influence them in positive directions.  We aren't fortunate enough to live near family so teachers, coworkers, coaches and fellow church members have filled the gap quite nicely. 

The Impact of Others

Who else is influencing your kids?  Hopefully it's not only their peers, but also other adults who have the wisdom, integrity and values that need to be reinforced from many different directions. One of the assets for healthy growth is having non-parental adults to relate to. Sometimes we parents can be threatened by other adults in our kids’ lives. We need to make sure that we are okay with our kids talking with other adults—be it teachers, coaches, church youth leaders, extended family members, or other friends’ parents.  One consideration is that you are acquainted with these adults and generally share their values and perspectives.

Clue Them In and Stay in the Loop

Let them know you appreciate the fact your child feels comfortable sharing with them and that you are OK with the relationship. They don’t have to share everything with you, but you trust that if there is anything of real concern they will encourage your child to talk with you about it.  If you do become aware that your child is confiding in an adult with whom you are not familiar, it’s important to make the effort to connect with that person.  Your children need to know that you are going to be engaged with those other adults. Also, notice if your child’s language or attitude changes after being around particular people and don’t be shy about mentioning it if you do, either for good or for ill. There is a lot of truth in the old cliché that it takes a village to raise a child; we just want to make sure that we know the village.

Darren Sombke, father of four, experienced two graduations this summer -- his son's college graduation and his daughter's high school graduation. He can be reached for comment or question at darrensombke@yahoo.com

Things We Take for Granted

At this time, my wife Elisa is currently on a 15-day mission trip to Uganda and Ethiopia.  While she is away, I took some vacation time to stay home with the kids.  I must say I am handling my duties pretty well, considering the house is still standing!  During this time, it has kind of made me think about things.  About how when Elisa gets back, I plan on showering her with love, and affection, and maybe a gift or two.  Not just because I missed her, but because I forgot exactly how much work it is to run a household with a 2 year old and a 6 year old roaming the halls.  And that made me realize that we, as husbands, tend go get too comfortable with ourselves from time to time.

We guys (as in I), tend to forget that it is A LOT of work.  Running this child to a doctor's appointment, running that child to swimming lessons, then to soccer practice, or a play group, getting all the meals and snacks prepared, putting the house back together after a day's worth of playing, and clean ups, baths, bedtime stories, bed, assuring them nothing is under the bed to get them back to sleep, and press the repeat button in the morning.  And sometimes doing so without getting anything done for yourself.  Now I know that my wife is a Superwoman in her own right, and she is awesomely great at what she does as a stay-at-home-mom, but getting the hands on experience (in her absence) has opened my eyes even wider than before.  That said, I now have a better understanding of how things are when I would normally be returning home from work.  And those things are my own assumptions.

Before I used to joke to her about "living" on Facebook, and checking emails in the evening most nights after dinner.  This is sort of a light-hearted complaint I hear from several husbands quite often.  Well now seeing the full-on routine of the day, and seeing that my kids have only two speeds:  Pedal-to-the-metal and Sleep mode, there is absolutely no time to sit in front of a computer during the day!!  So now I understand why she runs to check her accounts when I get home, because that is really her first opportunity to catch up on things.  So for that, I now feel silly, and apologize for thinking in my own head that things were not as they seemed.

So in short, I just want to tell her THANK YOU for all that she does and that I do indeed appreciate her.  I also have a whole new appreciation for single parents…….for those of you out there, I applaud you for all that you do.  This is a complicated enough job with two people involved, so I just can't imagine juggling the house, the kid's needs and work by myself permanently.  Just can't begin to fathom it.  So here very soon, I will be celebrating my wife's arrival back home!  And you can believe that I will be showing my appreciation.

Brandon Hyman is a military dad of two who counts on his wife's good will and flexibility. 

Sick of Sick Kids

Last night Mrs. B and I had the dreaded feeling parents have when at 11 p.m., one of the kids (the Boy) shuffled into our room and said, "I don't feel good; my tummy hurts".  Dealing with a sick kid is bad enough, but the real source of dread lies in the fact that this is just the beginning.  With other kids at home, if this thing does turn out to be a virus—which it did, then your chances of this little event lasting through multiple kids has goes up dramatically.  The Twin-kies certainly did not help their cause. They insisted on taking the Boy's disease-plagued cup and drinking out of it all day long.  Their indifference for their own water glasses was almost super human. You would have thought only the sweetest water came from the disease cup, and their own water was flavored with dead fish.

Having a sick kid has other complications, like the fact that the Boy’s younger brothers could care less how he feels. They continue the behaviors that have irritated him all week long (taking cars, throwing things at him, and getting frustrated when he is in their way).  It all weighs into the “fun” of the event.

 

As a parent, it is hard to not see yourself reflected in the actions of your child, and maybe that is why I am so particularly nonplussed when the Boy gets sick.  I am a complete baby when I am sick. Just ask Mrs. B.  She will gladly confirm my status as a whiny, needy, wimp (and that is just when I have a headache).  The Boy exhibits many of these same traits and they drive me nuts.  Thanks to my lovely and tolerant wife, I have learned a few strategies that make me an acceptable caregiver.  

I am embarking on the next couple of days of illness with the support of a wonderful wife and mother, and just like everything else, it’s never is as bad as you make it out in your head.  A week from now (or by the time you are actually reading this), everyone will have already forgotten about being sick. I hope they do remember the time we spent just sitting together on the couch watching Cars for the 100th time. That’s the kind of thing memories are made of.

A. Minor Baker is the father of four living in Austin, TX. In addition to a soon-to-be second grader, he and his wife are the proud parents of 5-year-old twins and a new baby sister. He can be reached for comment or question at minorbaker@gmail.com

Parents as Teachers and Examples

From an early age I was taught to train a child how he should live, so that when he’s older he won’t forget it. My wife and I have three kids: 8-year-old twin sons and a 4-year-old daughter.  As they’ve grown up we realized they were like sponges soaking up everything around them.  We had to be constantly aware of what sort of "teaching" we did in front of our kids every day.  It wasn’t a question of IF we would teach our children, but rather WHAT we would teach them.

For example, if we come home from work and crash on the couch, spend an hour on Facebook, or play video games, it’s no surprise that’s what our kids will do.  On the other hand, if we want them to be prosperous and generous, it would take more than just a quick Dad or Mom pep talk or nagging them.  We needed an intentional plan for teaching our kids the lessons they’d need to succeed.

About 2 years ago, we decided it was important to teach our kids to be good managers of time, talents, and money.  We made a list of several jobs that were more advanced than what we normally would expect 6-year-olds to handle such as: making beds, folding laundry, drying dishes, helping collect and take out the trash, and cleaning their own bathroom.  Our daughter helps empty her trashcan and carry laundry downstairs.  It took a while to teach some of these tasks, but after some hilarious "Oopses" that included flushing a scrub sponge down the toilet, I can confidently say our kids know how to work.  

Each task has an amount of pay attached to it that we write on a dry erase board post on the door out to the garage.  As jobs are completed, we check them off.  At the end of the week they have a payday.  They know the rules: You work, you get paid.  You don’t work, no pay.  Just like the real world.  Also, just like we adults expect our jobs to pay us regularly, we try to have payday at the same time each week, and we also give hugs and high-fives for a job well done.

The kids also have several unpaid chores to do just because they are part of the family, and I am amazed at how learning to work helps them complete these other tasks without whining.  The act of working for the family teaches kids that there’s a time to pitch in and just be helpful.

To make sure they learned how to manage money, we set up three containers: a piggy bank for savings, a wallet for spending, and an envelope for giving.  Each week, the kids put money from payday into all three containers.  After the first two months of paydays, we didn’t even have to remind them.  It’s automatic now and no arguing.  One of our boys puts extra into his giving envelope because as he says, “I like to give.” 

Our plan isn’t complicated or 100% original, and it did take some time and patience to implement.  Our unique responsibility is to teach our children to be the people God made them to be.  Wisdom, work ethic and generosity don’t come naturally to anyone, but the great news is we parents are blessed to be the closest, most powerful influence on our kids’ futures.  We just have to step up and seize the opportunity.

Syd Whiting is the father of three -- twin eight-year-olds and a four-year-old daughter. He lives in Springfield, MO with his wife, Gail, and serves in the Army National Guard in addition to his regular job. 

Using Spare Change to Teach a Child Life Lessons about Saving

I have endeavored to provide financial lessons for my six-year-old by giving her control over her money. I made the decision several years ago to allow her to keep any loose change around the house. There is one catch, she must keep track of how much money is in her “account," a shiny pink ceramic bear coin bank. Every time she adds the money into her bank, she counts it and adds to the total. I have her simply keep a sheet of paper and mark out the old total after adding the new one.

Next to her coin bank is a list of some of her favorite treats: ICEE, ring pop, ice cream cone, etc. Along with the list of treats is a savings goal. At six, it is funny what a child wants to save money for. My daughter once wanted to save up twenty dollars to get a twenty dollar bill (I just went with the flow on that one). Sometimes she holds some money back for one of her treats.  The important point is that she understands the value of the coins and she can comprehend how that translates into choosing how to spend.

It is amazing how a goal as simple as saving money can motivate even the youngest among us. There is a very small chance that loose coins in my household will not be gobbled up by this savvy six year old saver. Give a young saver the idea of what a quarter is worth in the world of “fun dip and tootsie rolls” and see what you can accomplish for 50 cents.

I strive to make it a learning experience when shopping for toys, treats, clothes, and the things that my daughter can pick out. At other times I may create a spending limit based on a gift card or cash amount which forces her to be conscientious of the trade offs or cost. 

There is a specific way I handle a situation when I know she will see an item she absolutely has to have. Before going inside, I give her some change and let her know she can spend it. I remind her that she can choose to spend it or save it, but it is her decision.

This is how I teach my young girl the value of money. I find that this approach is fun and exciting to her and plants a seed for how to handle money and save wisely. 

Kevin Stokes is the proud father a 6 year old who enjoys fishing and spending time with her grandparents. He is the president of Stokes Financial Strategies, LLC., a financial firm in Springfield MO. For 12 years, Kevin has given financial advise for over 400 client households. For a follow-up comment, Kevin can be reached at kevin@stokesfinancialstrategies.com