The Cousins are Here!

"The cousins are here! The cousins are here!" This is was what the Boy was shouting at dinner last night as my sister's family arrived. The Boy has the best time when his cousins come all the way from Missouri to Texas to visit. Since my sister also has a set of twins plus one, we have an unusual bond as parents besides being siblings. The difference is that at her house it’s all girls and at ours, it’s all boys all the time—with the exception of my lovely wife. Of course, with six children age 3 and under, bedtime was a bit more tricky then usual, but once we got everybody down the adults were able to kick back and enjoy some wine and tea to close out the evening.

Everybody, and I mean everybody, was up by 7 a.m. this morning, but in a house the size of ours that really isn't a surprise. I am just glad we made it that long.

Of course the Boy knows we have to go out and ride the bike at least once a day during the “30 Days of Biking,” even when the cousins are here. He figured the best way to accomplish this was to load up the bike trailer with all three toddlers and ride off to get some donuts. It sounded like a good idea to me, and so off we went. I am pretty sure that loading three small children into the trailer exceeded safety regulations, but they didn't seem to mind, even if the Boy was forced to sit on the floor. (It’s amazing why you’ll do when your cousins come to town.) We all had a great little ride and there was no complaining. WELL ACTUALLY, there was just a little complaining. All three passengers felt I should have been going faster when we came to an uphill section. I tried to explain to them it wasn't easy pulling 110 pounds of kids around, but this argument didn't quell their demand for greater speed.

As with all good things, the weekend finally came to an end and everybody was exhausted but very happy.  After a weekend full of fun and family, I am reminded of this Manifesto from Holstee.  "This is your LIFE.  Do what you want and do it often!"  I love spending time with family and will continue to do it as often as possible. I hope my boys will do the same.

Minor Baker and his sister are now the parents of four children each, so there’s even more fun when all the cousins get together. He can be reached for questions and comment at minorbaker@gmail.com.

"Hey Dad, Got Any Water?"

“Hey dad, got H2O?”

Two summers ago we took a family vacation out west. Since we were planning to go to Colorado, my 18 year-old son and I threw our backpacks in the car with the thought that we might spend a night or two in the mountains away from the normal camping crowd.  My wife and daughter decided they would find alternative fun sightseeing during this backpack break. 

Once we arrived in Colorado, we found relentless rain. The forecast showed no mercy.  Our carefully planned vacation went down the gutter (pun).  Scanning the weather radar, my son found a county in Utah within 4 hours drive with no rain, so we pushed on to discover Canyonlands National Park, an amazingly beautiful area with no crowds.  (Sometimes the best plans are those that unfold while on your journey.)  After a couple of nights in a scenic campground, my wife and daughter headed south to see Four Corners and dropped us off at a trail head with a guide book and backpacks.  They looked more than just a little bit doubtful as they pulled away.

The park ranger reminded us that in the desert we needed to carry a gallon of water per person per day. Now, we are accustomed to hiking in the cool Colorado Mountains, not the hot, desert conditions of the Canyonlands, so we probably didn't listen very well to his advice.

My son filled his water pack, and I filled my water bottles. We didn't have nearly a gallon apiece, but we had always been able to find and purify our water on the Colorado mountain trails so we weren’t too concerned.

It was a hot and challenging day of hiking, but with beautiful views.  Time and again my son challenged me to leap large chasms so we could stay on the ‘trail’.  He was in top physical condition and seemed to have no fear.  I on the other hand was wondering who was going to carry me out when I got stuck or injured on the boulders.  As we arrived exhausted at our back country camp, my son sipped the last of his water and asked me if I had more. Uh, no, it turns out I'm about empty too, son. And guess what? We're in the desert and we haven't seen water all day, in fact we’ve only seen one other person all day.  We decided to tackle that problem in the morning and enjoyed the peaceful, evening, desert sky, both of us wishing we had brought our guitars to accompany the Milky Way light show.

The next morning I was surprised when my son nudged me in the tent, saying, "Dad, you need to wake up. We need to hike up this valley now because the guidebook says we might find a bit of water, and we need to get started before it gets too hot to hike back out today."

Wait a minute! This sounded uncomfortably similar to my admonition to him only a week earlier: "Son, get out of bed. You have a several yards to mow and it going to get hot today. You'd better get moving so that you can be finished before it gets too hot." If I hadn’t been so tired and thirsty I would have laughed at the irony. Look what I have to look forward to all the days of my life…..words that come back to me like a sharp boomerang.

It turns out that he was right, and before it got too hot we found a small puddle of warm dusty-looking water that we filtered and drank, and all was well. We survived our excursion into the desert and lived to hike again. We were drawn closer together and learned to trust each other more.

My advice?  Pack extra water and enjoy the desert sojourns with your children, discovering new territory, gifts and strengths you didn’t know you both had.  The shared time and adventure are something you will both treasure.  Now, if only we could figure out how to carry those two guitars!

Duane Highley is the father of four grown children. He and his wife, Lisa, live in Little Rock, Arkansas. This post was originally written a few years ago.

She's Leaving Home--Bye, Bye!

Children are born, and from that moment on they begin the process of separation from their parents.

The first big step is Kindergarten.  Putting your child on the bus, watching it drive away, and breaking down in tears on the curb.  Yes, even the dads cry over this one.  How will they ever get along without me? They can’t tie their shoes yet! We can’t talk to them all day! 

Then follow a number of incremental separations, overnight trips, school activities, vacations with friends, mission trips, and we gradually learn to accept they have their own little lives.

But the next hardest separation, and maybe the very hardest one short of death, is leaving home for college, or just moving out after high school.

They have lived with you, or should I say lived off of you, for almost 20 years, every day, sharing each and every turn in their lives, whether they wanted you to or not.  And as a parent, you’ve gotten pretty used to giving instructions and advice.  “Did you sign up to take the ACT?  What time will you be home?  You need to practice your piano before you watch TV.”  Probably by the end of high school most of this advice goes unheeded, but you give it nevertheless.

At last, there is that moment when they are really, really leaving home.  The vehicle is packed with what they consider their most precious items (underwear, Bible, cell phone charger and guitar).  What they don’t know, and you may not yet realize either, is that they will probably never return, at least not in the same circumstances, and your relationship will never, ever, ever be the same again.  Gulp.

My wife and I have now experienced this joyful pain three times, and it has not become any easier.  It’s just so hard to say goodbye to your son or daughter, especially when they don’t truly appreciate the significance of the moment.  You know, but they don’t really know they are moving on to the next defining stage of their lives. 

As they enter this stage, try to provide mature adults in their lives that they can consult on life choices.  People like youth leaders, uncles, and even your friends.  They may not listen to you at this stage, but they will listen at least a little to other adults.  You might have to “accidentally” arrange these encounters, and also be willing reciprocate by having lunch with your best friend’s daughter to encourage her in choosing a college major.  

So, prepare for the day, gird yourself, and bravely stand on the porch, waving to your loved son or daughter, wishing them well, letting them load up the car and drive away.  And make sure you have a box of tissues close by.  You’re going to need them.  Then, keep praying.  Growing up is not easy, but God has a better plan for them and it probably does not include them living with you until they are 40. 

Fare thee well, my son, until we meet again, and oh yeah, return the garage door opener please! 

I am interested in your thoughts.  What advice would YOU give?  Reply at dadoonad@gmail.com Email me if you want to share your stories about children leaving home.  We could gather them all into a future article.

Duane Highley is the father of four older children who have been through a number of transitions.  He and his wife Lisa reside in Little Rock, Arkansas.

Who Influences Your Kids?

One of my son's teachers, who also happens to be a very good friend, gave the kid a graduation card that was a special encouragement to him.  I was moved when I read it as my friend talked about being a young man of integrity and honor, of using his gifts to make the world a better place, and to honor the God who gave them.  I realized how blessed I am to have other excellent examples in my kid's lives because God knows that they need more positive role models than me or most of the knuckleheads in our culture who happen to be famous. I really am grateful for the other men and women who appreciate my children and challenge them in ways that I never could.  I want to foster that discernment in them to surround themselves with people who will influence them in positive directions.  We aren't fortunate enough to live near family so teachers, coworkers, coaches and fellow church members have filled the gap quite nicely. 

The Impact of Others

Who else is influencing your kids?  Hopefully it's not only their peers, but also other adults who have the wisdom, integrity and values that need to be reinforced from many different directions. One of the assets for healthy growth is having non-parental adults to relate to. Sometimes we parents can be threatened by other adults in our kids’ lives. We need to make sure that we are okay with our kids talking with other adults—be it teachers, coaches, church youth leaders, extended family members, or other friends’ parents.  One consideration is that you are acquainted with these adults and generally share their values and perspectives.

Clue Them In and Stay in the Loop

Let them know you appreciate the fact your child feels comfortable sharing with them and that you are OK with the relationship. They don’t have to share everything with you, but you trust that if there is anything of real concern they will encourage your child to talk with you about it.  If you do become aware that your child is confiding in an adult with whom you are not familiar, it’s important to make the effort to connect with that person.  Your children need to know that you are going to be engaged with those other adults. Also, notice if your child’s language or attitude changes after being around particular people and don’t be shy about mentioning it if you do, either for good or for ill. There is a lot of truth in the old cliché that it takes a village to raise a child; we just want to make sure that we know the village.

Darren Sombke, father of four, experienced two graduations this summer -- his son's college graduation and his daughter's high school graduation. He can be reached for comment or question at darrensombke@yahoo.com

Things We Take for Granted

At this time, my wife Elisa is currently on a 15-day mission trip to Uganda and Ethiopia.  While she is away, I took some vacation time to stay home with the kids.  I must say I am handling my duties pretty well, considering the house is still standing!  During this time, it has kind of made me think about things.  About how when Elisa gets back, I plan on showering her with love, and affection, and maybe a gift or two.  Not just because I missed her, but because I forgot exactly how much work it is to run a household with a 2 year old and a 6 year old roaming the halls.  And that made me realize that we, as husbands, tend go get too comfortable with ourselves from time to time.

We guys (as in I), tend to forget that it is A LOT of work.  Running this child to a doctor's appointment, running that child to swimming lessons, then to soccer practice, or a play group, getting all the meals and snacks prepared, putting the house back together after a day's worth of playing, and clean ups, baths, bedtime stories, bed, assuring them nothing is under the bed to get them back to sleep, and press the repeat button in the morning.  And sometimes doing so without getting anything done for yourself.  Now I know that my wife is a Superwoman in her own right, and she is awesomely great at what she does as a stay-at-home-mom, but getting the hands on experience (in her absence) has opened my eyes even wider than before.  That said, I now have a better understanding of how things are when I would normally be returning home from work.  And those things are my own assumptions.

Before I used to joke to her about "living" on Facebook, and checking emails in the evening most nights after dinner.  This is sort of a light-hearted complaint I hear from several husbands quite often.  Well now seeing the full-on routine of the day, and seeing that my kids have only two speeds:  Pedal-to-the-metal and Sleep mode, there is absolutely no time to sit in front of a computer during the day!!  So now I understand why she runs to check her accounts when I get home, because that is really her first opportunity to catch up on things.  So for that, I now feel silly, and apologize for thinking in my own head that things were not as they seemed.

So in short, I just want to tell her THANK YOU for all that she does and that I do indeed appreciate her.  I also have a whole new appreciation for single parents…….for those of you out there, I applaud you for all that you do.  This is a complicated enough job with two people involved, so I just can't imagine juggling the house, the kid's needs and work by myself permanently.  Just can't begin to fathom it.  So here very soon, I will be celebrating my wife's arrival back home!  And you can believe that I will be showing my appreciation.

Brandon Hyman is a military dad of two who counts on his wife's good will and flexibility. 

Sick of Sick Kids

Last night Mrs. B and I had the dreaded feeling parents have when at 11 p.m., one of the kids (the Boy) shuffled into our room and said, "I don't feel good; my tummy hurts".  Dealing with a sick kid is bad enough, but the real source of dread lies in the fact that this is just the beginning.  With other kids at home, if this thing does turn out to be a virus—which it did, then your chances of this little event lasting through multiple kids has goes up dramatically.  The Twin-kies certainly did not help their cause. They insisted on taking the Boy's disease-plagued cup and drinking out of it all day long.  Their indifference for their own water glasses was almost super human. You would have thought only the sweetest water came from the disease cup, and their own water was flavored with dead fish.

Having a sick kid has other complications, like the fact that the Boy’s younger brothers could care less how he feels. They continue the behaviors that have irritated him all week long (taking cars, throwing things at him, and getting frustrated when he is in their way).  It all weighs into the “fun” of the event.

 

As a parent, it is hard to not see yourself reflected in the actions of your child, and maybe that is why I am so particularly nonplussed when the Boy gets sick.  I am a complete baby when I am sick. Just ask Mrs. B.  She will gladly confirm my status as a whiny, needy, wimp (and that is just when I have a headache).  The Boy exhibits many of these same traits and they drive me nuts.  Thanks to my lovely and tolerant wife, I have learned a few strategies that make me an acceptable caregiver.  

I am embarking on the next couple of days of illness with the support of a wonderful wife and mother, and just like everything else, it’s never is as bad as you make it out in your head.  A week from now (or by the time you are actually reading this), everyone will have already forgotten about being sick. I hope they do remember the time we spent just sitting together on the couch watching Cars for the 100th time. That’s the kind of thing memories are made of.

A. Minor Baker is the father of four living in Austin, TX. In addition to a soon-to-be second grader, he and his wife are the proud parents of 5-year-old twins and a new baby sister. He can be reached for comment or question at minorbaker@gmail.com

Parents as Teachers and Examples

From an early age I was taught to train a child how he should live, so that when he’s older he won’t forget it. My wife and I have three kids: 8-year-old twin sons and a 4-year-old daughter.  As they’ve grown up we realized they were like sponges soaking up everything around them.  We had to be constantly aware of what sort of "teaching" we did in front of our kids every day.  It wasn’t a question of IF we would teach our children, but rather WHAT we would teach them.

For example, if we come home from work and crash on the couch, spend an hour on Facebook, or play video games, it’s no surprise that’s what our kids will do.  On the other hand, if we want them to be prosperous and generous, it would take more than just a quick Dad or Mom pep talk or nagging them.  We needed an intentional plan for teaching our kids the lessons they’d need to succeed.

About 2 years ago, we decided it was important to teach our kids to be good managers of time, talents, and money.  We made a list of several jobs that were more advanced than what we normally would expect 6-year-olds to handle such as: making beds, folding laundry, drying dishes, helping collect and take out the trash, and cleaning their own bathroom.  Our daughter helps empty her trashcan and carry laundry downstairs.  It took a while to teach some of these tasks, but after some hilarious "Oopses" that included flushing a scrub sponge down the toilet, I can confidently say our kids know how to work.  

Each task has an amount of pay attached to it that we write on a dry erase board post on the door out to the garage.  As jobs are completed, we check them off.  At the end of the week they have a payday.  They know the rules: You work, you get paid.  You don’t work, no pay.  Just like the real world.  Also, just like we adults expect our jobs to pay us regularly, we try to have payday at the same time each week, and we also give hugs and high-fives for a job well done.

The kids also have several unpaid chores to do just because they are part of the family, and I am amazed at how learning to work helps them complete these other tasks without whining.  The act of working for the family teaches kids that there’s a time to pitch in and just be helpful.

To make sure they learned how to manage money, we set up three containers: a piggy bank for savings, a wallet for spending, and an envelope for giving.  Each week, the kids put money from payday into all three containers.  After the first two months of paydays, we didn’t even have to remind them.  It’s automatic now and no arguing.  One of our boys puts extra into his giving envelope because as he says, “I like to give.” 

Our plan isn’t complicated or 100% original, and it did take some time and patience to implement.  Our unique responsibility is to teach our children to be the people God made them to be.  Wisdom, work ethic and generosity don’t come naturally to anyone, but the great news is we parents are blessed to be the closest, most powerful influence on our kids’ futures.  We just have to step up and seize the opportunity.

Syd Whiting is the father of three -- twin eight-year-olds and a four-year-old daughter. He lives in Springfield, MO with his wife, Gail, and serves in the Army National Guard in addition to his regular job.