One of the most
difficult things a parent has to do is to guide their children through the
minefields of life, helping them claim good values, and the skills to succeed
in life. One area of potential
difficulty is in regards to friends. When our kids were young we lived in a
neighborhood without many children. There was only one home nearby that had two
girls near the age of my daughter. I would say that they were living in near
poverty. As a pastor, I try to treat everyone equally, and not discriminate
against people, but I was concerned about this home. The kids had a single mom,
and there was a continuous changing of the men who would stay in this house. We
didn’t really want our kids to spend time there, but preventing that seemed
like casting a judgment upon them. We preferred the two girls to spend time at
our home, where we could supervise them more closely, and hopefully,
demonstrate what a stable home and marriage looked like.
In one episode our
daughter came home and talked about some dirty magazines she had seen at her
friends home. This kind of confirmed our worries about the environment there.
My wife and I were more determined to channel our daughter away from that home,
but to encourage her friends to come to our house. Eventually, we moved to
another town and things worked out better.
Another move
brought us to Monett. We look back at this move and believe it was an answer to
prayer for our daughter, and our son. Our daughter fell in with a group of high
achieving girls, who were active in school activities, and made excellent
grades. Her own grades rose, and she expanded her activities to include
cheerleading, drama, and speech and debate. Most of her friends came from solid
families that wanted their daughters to excel and succeed. Our son became
friends with kids who he still remains connected to twenty years later. As
parents we were very relieved to know the crowd our kids were with was a
positive one. My wife and I brought together all of the parents of our sons
friends to help supervise our children and to make sure they were where they
were supposed to be. This let the kids know that the community was involved in
their raising. That may be an advantage
of living in a small town.
Sometimes we
sacrifice things in our lives to help raise our children. I was offered a move
to a much larger church, with a much larger salary, that was about 225 miles
away. If I accepted the offer, my daughter would change high schools in her
senior year. From my own experience I knew how difficult that can be. So we
turned down the offer and stayed until both my kids graduated from high school
before accepting another move. We felt
it was important for them to graduate with their best friends.
Parenting is
challenging! Sometimes we will face awkward experiences that can be filled with
real drama, but when you choose to have children, that comes with the
territory. Good parents will be deeply involved in their children’s lives. Good
parents will set boundaries and enforce them. We can’t make friends for our
children, but we can create opportunities to make friends.
When I was 16 my
family moved from California to Kirkwood, Missouri. My father insisted that I
attend our church’s youth fellowship group that met on Sunday evening. I really
resisted this, fearing it would be awkward for me. My father prevailed, and I
went. My fears were relieved, and the kids were most friendly, and became my
best friends in my last two years of high school. My father made the right
decision regarding my participation in the youth group. That’s an example of
helping our kids make good friends!
We wanted our kids to know that it was
always okay for them to bring their friends to our home. We enjoyed getting to
know the friends of our son and daughter. My advice for parents of young
children is be involved. Know what’s going on. Talk to your kids about things
they’re concerned with. Be wary of potential problems, and steer your kids in
the right direction. If you love them and do your best, most likely they will
turn out to be responsible people!
Mark Mildren, retired Methodist minister, is the father of two and grandfather of three. He serves as the faith-community liaison for Good Dads and can be reached for question or comment at mark@gooddads.com.
Mark Mildren, retired Methodist minister, is the father of two and grandfather of three. He serves as the faith-community liaison for Good Dads and can be reached for question or comment at mark@gooddads.com.
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