Letting Go of the Wheel

“OK, honey, you’re going to run into the stairs . . . Stop!”

“Go ahead; straighten yourself out and let’s back out of the driveway. . . . No, turn the wheel to the right.  No I mean to the left.  Ok you’re going to scrape this side of the car on the gate . . .”

Yeah, my 15-year-old daughter just got her driver’s permit. 

I really didn’t think much about it when I handed her the keys at the DMV and told her to drive home.  Hey, she’s been watching me drive forever and she had to have learned something from playing Midtown Madness on the computer, right? 

Then again maybe that wasn’t such a good thing.  She’s been driving now for a couple of weeks and she’s doing just great except for the occasional loss of consciousness when she just kind of forgets that she has an actual destination.  As I sit in the passenger seat and try to refrain from barking “GO” whenever the light changes (because that kind of freaks her out) I’m starting to think that driving is my “instrument.” 

I live in a household of musicians. Their instruments are musical, mine is vehicular.  So I can empathize with my wife who endures piano students who struggle to get the rhythm of a piece down as I try to not be too bothered as my daughter randomly speeds up and slows down and doesn’t brake or accelerate the way I would.  I then realize that she has only been driving for a couple of weeks, like a grand total of less than 100 miles. Yeah, she’s going to be fine. 

 

I also start to think that the issue isn’t so much her driving, but my not having control of my vehicle.  I’m not all that crazy about not being in control. Especially when I’m not completely comfortable with who is literally behind the wheel.  I have two options, either I just not let her drive and drive myself, or I can make the effort to help her get better so that I am comfortable riding with her.  Ultimately, I think that’s what being a parent of a teenager is about, helping them get to the point where you are comfortable giving them the control that you previously only trusted to yourself.  Giving up control, helping them gain independence ultimately means freedom for us both.  That being said, I’m glad she won’t be able to drive without me until September.

Both of Darren Sombke's daughters are driving now. He can be reached for comment at darrensombke@aol.com

Advice from an Old Dad to a New Dad

When I was a new dad I wasn’t really into asking for advice.  I was in my 20’s and I had most of my own answers for the problems in life.  I even found myself offering parenting advice to my older acquaintances, as if my brief parental experience had revealed some new truths to me that must not have been obvious to my older parenting colleagues.

Now I realize parenting is something very challenging, and that every child is completely different. What might have worked well for one or two of your children may not work at all for the third. Or fourth.  Oops. 

I no longer pretend to be an expert.  So why am I writing a column on “advice?”  Because I think we can hold at least these three truths to be self-evident:

 

1)      Your kids aren’t getting any younger, and neither are you.

2)      Everyone needs a break now and then.

3)   We shouldn’t take ourselves too seriously. 

Here are my thoughts on the three truths.

Your kids aren’t getting any younger, and neither are you. 

Be sure to take plenty of pictures.  You know your kids change quickly, and those memories can fade pretty fast.  But I can also hear you saying, “I don’t look good in photographs.  I don’t want to be in a picture today.”  Well, someday you’ll be ten years older than now and then you’ll say, “Boy, I sure did look a lot better ten years ago.”  Get over it and get in the picture with your kids.  It will be fun to look back on all those photos later, and you will be surprised at the memories they will reveal.  Try to take pictures of everyday life, the things you do routinely.  Take it from an older dad, today’s routine will seem very precious to you later.

Everyone needs a break now and then. 

Force yourself to plan a family vacation every year.  I know; you’re busy.  They need you at work.  You have 1000 emails to read.  Planning the vacation is work in itself.  But none of that will matter the day you die.  And ten years from now you will never be able to recreate that vacation with your 13-year-old.  When she’s 23, she will be too busy to spend time with you.  Think about it.  Go somewhere fun together, even if it’s just camping for a weekend.

We shouldn’t take ourselves too seriously. 

Try to see the big picture.  Most things that seem like really serious issues at the time really aren’t.  So she spilled the milk, or he soiled his pants, or he scratched your favorite table, or she wrecked the car. If it involves things or money, it is a temporary issue, and can usually be fixed or replaced.  If it involves people are feelings, make sure you are paying attention.  These are the important things.

Have fun, laugh, giggle, skip, play some music, act silly, take a video and focus on the big picture.

P.S. If you’re married, don’t forget to also carve out some to be alone with your spouse.  When you’re a better couple, you’ll both be better parents. 

_____________________

I am interested in your thoughts.  What advice would YOU give?  Reply at Dadoonad@gmail.com. Duane Highley is the father of four older children, ages 18 to 29.  He and his wife Lisa reside in Little Rock, AR.

Twin-kies

Does every parent of twins have such difficulty telling them apart when they are babies?  I know this isn't something the father of six-month-old babies should be admitting publicly, but it takes 30 seconds of detailed studying before I am able to correctly name a baby, and that is only if they are side by side.  If I don't have the boys side by side, I might as well just flip a coin because I have no idea.  Even with them side by side, I would say that I am about 70% sure I am correct.  Mrs. B acts much more confident when identifying which Twin-kie is which, but you can see a fraction of doubt in her eyes if you question her. 

Maybe I am just too close to the situation, because within 15 seconds of meeting the boys for the first time, a friend was able to say which one was which and point out the differences. Predictably, all of Mrs. B's friends think the differences are obvious, and yet they still have about as much success as I do when it comes to naming the babies.

Does all of this mean that the Twin-kies are identical....the answer to that remains as clear as the actual identities of each of the babies.  Apparently today's pediatricians don't care if twins are identical or fraternal.  The only thing we know is that there has not been any indication, as of yet that they are fraternal (such as different blood types, different colored eyes, etc.), but there has also been nothing to definitively identify them as identical. 

Mrs. B and I worry about the hilarity that is going to ensue within our little group of guys.  Let’s take a cinematic look back at what kinds of trouble identical twins get themselves into  I would like to start with the Disney classic, "The Parent Trap" (not the Lindsey Lohan version.....Lord knows we don't want that kind of trouble) starring Haley Mills.  A couple of cute girls find out they are identical twins and together they play mean tricks on their step-parent to get their real parents together. 

Example Two (a more contemporary example):  The Scavo twins on Desperate Housewives (2004 – 2012)... since even their parents have a difficult time telling them apart, these two boys are constantly switching identities to allow the other twin to get away with some kind of mischief...does that sound familiar? 

Example Three:  Quite possibly my favorite example, but as a parent it is the scariest.  The Weasley twins from Harry Potter, Fred and George, spend nearly every moment of their existence thinking up pranks and causing all kinds of mischief.  I would be remiss if I didn't mention that Fred and George have always been my favorite characters in the book. Mainly because even though they get into trouble all of the time, deep down they have a heart for others and a passion for life.  

With my tendency for getting into trouble and love of a good prank, it is entirely possible our boys have a genetic disposition that will lead them down a path similar to that of the Weasley twins.  Although they have a tendency to cause trouble, more importantly, they have big hearts.  I will work hard as a parent to ensure that my boys develop the big caring heart; I am pretty sure the trouble-making will take care of itself.

This post by Minor Baker was first shared about four years ago. Minor and "Mrs. B" recently became the parents of four when a little girl joined her three older brothers. He can be reached at minorbaker@gmail.com.

Father of Three Teenagers

As of today, I am officially the father of three teenagers. My daughter hung up on me three times as I tried to sing her “Happy Birthday” over the phone. I don’t think I’m that bad of a singer.  My daughters are now 13 and 15 and my older son is 17. And you know what?  Life is really good.  One of those myths of life is that teenagers are terrible.  To be sure, they do have their challenging moments and the reality is that mistakes in judgment (of which they often have very little) during the teenage years can have much greater costs than do the spills and scrapes of younger children. But I genuinely like teenagers, which is a good thing considering my job as a school counselor / director of spiritual life in a Pre-K through 12^th grade school.  I feel lucky to be able to interact with teenagers on a daily basis, as they are really funny and naïve and quirky and challenging and unmotivated and caring and generous and angry and unique and brilliant.

Our challenge as parents of these creatures is to love them, unconditionally in the middle of their defiance and apathy. They really need to hear from us not just when they fall short of our expectations, but when they surprise us with their initiative and competence. Our goal as parents is to help our kids achieve independence by gradually giving them more and more opportunities and responsibility with the requisite preparation and experience. 

Are they going to mess up?  Absolutely, just like we do.  Are they going to cause us pain, apprehension and fear?  Are you kidding me, they are teenagers.

There are going to be times when we, as parents, do not and cannot approve of their choices and that is natural and okay. We must remember, however, that approval is not the same as acceptance and acceptance of our kids is not an option.  It’s often the fear of not being accepted that keeps some kids from sharing with their parents those parts of their lives they fear mom and dad won’t approve of, or they feel compelled to lie about when caught. We cannot assume our kids know that our acceptance of them is unconditional. Tell them every opportunity you can that you love them no matter what. Show them by really listening and being sensitive to their perspectives and individual preferences.

Every kid is different in all kinds of ways and it’s important that we acknowledge their uniqueness.  “I know you don’t want me to come to your tennis match, so you’ll have to find another ride home.” Recognizing their individuality doesn’t mean that we have to accommodate them, but it gives them the opportunity to deal with the normal consequences of actually getting what they want.  The beautiful thing is that in dealing with those circumstances, they are gaining the independence that is the goal for both of us.  Being teenagers, their ability to function without our assistance is probably closer than we, as parents, are probably comfortable with.  Having teenagers isn’t something to fear, it’s something to celebrate.  Happy birthday Sweetie!

Darren Sombke is the father of four -- two of which are no longer teens, but his love and appreciation for adolescents continues. He can be reached at dsombke@rockfordlutheran.org.

Riding Roller Coasters: Life's Ups and Downs

I love riding roller coasters.  My wife, on the other hand, is not a fan.  So, when it came time to expose our children to the joys of roller-coaster riding, it was to be my personal pleasure to introduce them to this wonderful, thrilling invention of man.  Or so I thought.

I can remember the day when each of my children took their first roller coaster ride.  The excitement, dread and anticipation was almost too much to bear as they struggled with their decision to ride or not to ride, and then decided to go forward, reluctantly. 

Imagine my frustration, after eagerly anticipating the ride to come and the joy of sharing the experience with my child . . . and waiting as patiently as possible for up to an hour or more in the amusement park line  . . .  all the while watching as the child becomes more and more nervous . . . trying to make small talk, distract, change the subject, only to find him bailing out in tears just before boarding the ride. 

For some of them, it took several years to get up the courage to ride.  I had to wonder, if I would ever have someone to share this roller-coaster experience with.

Then I went to Busch Gardens with these same formerly reluctant, roller-coaster adverse children, all of them now in their teens or twenties.  Busch Gardens, for those of you who may not be familiar, is a roller-coaster enthusiasts’ dream with at least five fantastic coasters.  And we rode them all, over and over.  And over.  And over.  Until I, the roller-coaster master, the undisputed king, the Jedi of g-forces, had to quietly say, “Enough.”

And at this my boys said, in echoes of my own voice, “Come on dad, let’s ride again. Please will you at least try to ride with us?”

And I found myself saying, in a voice that sounded almost child-like, “I think I’m going to be sick.”

So, does this mean my parenthood journey is completed?  As the great philosopher-father Kal-El in the superman comics said, “The son becomes the father, and the father becomes the son.”  Something amazing happens to our children as we age together, and it is nothing short of a miracle.

I see this same behavior repeated in a number of other areas:  seeking a job, filing a tax return, and going out on their first date.  Not that I want to accompany my children in all of these activities, but I do see the same reluctance, fear, and second-guessing. Finally, with continual patient encouragement, an eventual victory is celebrated.  Often they surpass my own accomplishments and go on to greater achievement.

It’s a wonderful transformation.  So keep on pushing your kids.  Let’s get on the parenting-coaster and ride.  At least until I throw up.

_____________________

At the time of this writing, Duane Highley’s children were ages 13 to 24.    

dadoonad@gmail.com

Driving While Distracted Dad

If you have seen an episode of Oprah within the past six months you will know one of her big kicks this season is the “No Phone Zone” challenge.  She has challenged her audience, as well as guests, on her show to not talk or text on the phone while driving.  She started this “No Phone Zone” challenge after she dedicated an entire show to the dangers of driving while using your phone.  As a parent of three kids under the age of three, the safety of my children is paramount and I try my best to not talk on the phone or text while driving, even when I'm stopped at a light.  Interesting though that Oprah’s show on car safety forgot to mention another highly distracting problem that happens in my car nearly every day.  KIDS. 

Those little buggers are darn distracting.  If you are a parent you know what I am talking about.  If your kid isn’t screaming about wanting something that you don’t have the power to give them, say teleporting a grandparent into the back seat with them, then you are trying to get some food item into a close proximity of said child so they can grab it and give their mouth something to do.  During the “No Phone Zone” show, Oprah showed video of people driving while texting or talking on the phone.  It was shocking how much time people were cruising along in their vehicle at 70 mph without ever looking up at the road.  I am scared to look at a similar video set up that replaces the cell phones with kids, as I am sure I spend more time than I think trying to keep the boys happy.

Maybe learning how to drive and keep the munchkins in the back happy is a skill that comes with age.  I remember those long family vacation drives where I fought tooth and nail with my sister about how much of the seat in the back was mine.  Remember the imaginary line, and if you crossed that line, you were going to get punched in the shoulder.  It would take about 30 seconds before somebody would cross that line, and the punching would begin. 

I am sure with three boys we are going to experience something very similar in the not too distant future.  I will be forced to get a couple of pointers from my dad on the art of driving and disciplining the children at the same time.  He had an amazing ability to keep the car on the road and administer swift justice, doing it all without losing a second off of our itinerary.  I have yet to acquire this skill, and am forced to resort to turning around, which takes my eyes off the road to toss cookies at the kid in the way back, just to keep him happy. 
  

These cookies also serve as a way of bribing The Boy into providing status reports on the Twin-kies, such as: Are they sleeping?  Do they have pacifiers in their mouths?  Is the sun in the one of the Twin-kies eyes?  Always one to go above and beyond, The Boy will also report that “babies are screaming,” since he's not sure if I can hear the crying coming from less than a foot behind me. 

I guess for the moment, tossing food items at my kids, in the same way a zookeeper tosses bananas at monkeys to get them to do trick, is what I have resorted to for the safety of my family while driving my car.  Just another role I play each day while being a dad, a zookeeper who's training monkeys while commuting to work.  I wonder if the zoos have the same problem with the ants that my car seems to have developed.

A. Minor Baker is the father of three boys and a soon-to-be-born fourth child. He and his wife Sarah live in Austin, Texas -- the starting point of many exciting adventures for their clan. He can be reached at minorbaker@gmail.com

Moving On

It’s so hard for me to believe that I’m sitting here listening to some guy talk to my son’s class about “Making Your College Search Count.”  Really?  How can this be? It was just a few years ago when the wife woke me up to say her labor pains were getting to the point we needed to leave for the hospital.  I seriously have never been more excited, scared, nervous . . . you name it, than I was at that moment.  Then after 25 hours of labor, finally getting the pumpkin-headed kid out via C-section and just sitting in the chair next to her bed holding him while she slept, I never wanted to let him go.

A little over seventeen years and three more kids later, here I am thinking that this kid has absolutely no clue as to what he wants to do with his life and where he wants to go to college.  If I didn’t work with high school students every day, I would be worried, but I know that my son is pretty typical.  It’s the ones who think they have their lives all mapped out and who believe they know exactly what they want to do that worry me more.  The reality is often those kids are as clueless as the others; they just don’t know it.

Last night on our way home from my son’s cello lesson, we were listening to a guy from Stanford talk about entrepreneurship.  He said life is too short to spend it doing things you aren’t passionate about and that it is really important to surround yourself with smart, quality people of integrity.  It was then  I turned to my son and said, “You know, that will be your saving grace . . . that you pretty much hang around quality kids and have very little patience for dealing with idiots.”   

His response: “Yep.” 

And I’m fine with that.  I don’t really care where he decides to go to college or what he ends up doing for a career as long as he’s a smart, quality person of integrity.  I’ve even come to the place where I’m willing to let him go.  That part, anticipating him moving out, gets easier as he gets older.  I’m wondering if I’ll be as excited, scared, nervous, etc. when he moves out as I was on the day he was born.

Darren Sombke, father of four, lives with his wife Jungah and their family in northern Illinois. He can be reached at dsombke@rockfordlutheran.org.