Thankfulness Caught More than Taught

I love being a dad! I love the relationship, the love, the hugs, and even the challenge. As the dad of a 10-year-old, I now find myself beginning to reap the fruit and rewards of living out my best to be an example to my son, including being quick to admit when I make a mistake and fail. I have noticed our kids learn more and are influenced more by our attitude and behavior than our parent talk.

What I’ve learned about being a dad that helps his children be thankful can be shared by some of my driving ambitions:

I teach college composition as an adjunct instructor at our local community college and enjoy great illustrations of my students. This last week I was grading essays of my students when I had one of those moments we feel more acutely due to our role as parents. My student is a face painter, you know the kind that kids and parents love to see at a local festival or kid’s event. She shared about the shocking behavior of a parent who was so mad that her child did not get to have her face painted because the line had ended and the time for the face painting was long past its end. She threw a fit, screamed, shouted some choice words, making quite a scene. I wonder what that child “caught” that day from her parent? Our attitude and behavior as parents influence and shape our children more than what we say or don’t say. 

As dads, we can model a thankful attitude and crush any kind of entitlement in ourselves first, then help our children overcome this cultural attitude. I determined early on as a young dad, I was going to get used to saying, “No, I’m sorry,” often and it’s paid off. To this day my son very rarely asks for anything or throws a fit when he doesn't get his way. I have tried to be consistent and committed to model and encourage an attitude not of entitlement, but gratitude.

Of course disappointments occur and we can help our kids learn how to have a grateful attitude even when bad things happen. We were at a local outdoor festival last year when my son realized his dollar in quarters fell out of his pocket when we were trying out the hammocks in the booth. When he realized this, we went back and the money was gone. These moments of disappointment happen and we are challenged to respond and guide our children in an attitude opportunity. We talked about how he could learn from this, that if we find something valuable we’ll be sure and turn it in, and help the person find it that would come back looking for it. It was a Golden Rule Lesson, i.e., treat others as you want to be treated. He caught it as I asked him a few questions and he saw my calm and clear demeanor, choosing to learn  and turn a bad experience into a life changing attitude adjustment.

There’s a story about a pioneer circuit rider in the early era of the expanding West who shares about being “thankful for being robbed!” I have shared this story with my son and it haunts me in a good way. He writes in his journal the evening after he survives being robbed at gunpoint in the words between pioneer encampments.

“Today I am thankful I got robbed. I am thankful I had something to take. I am thankful he took my money and not my life; and most of all I am thankful I was the one being robbed and not the one doing the robbing!”

As a former Army soldier and chaplain, we learn a concept in military resiliency training called, “Hunt for the Good Stuff.” This challenges me to be a dad who lives out the kind of creative, brave, and resilient attitude and perspective of thankfulness, even in painful and trying situations.

I am a marathoner and ultra-marathoner—I’ve learned that parenting well is much like training for endurance races of 26.2-100 miles. Do the hard work of training daily and come race day when it matters most, that training pays off. 

What I’m saying about thankfulness is that, like other character and values formation, daily efforts, little things, and modeling in a child’s early years pays off later as they mature. An example of this is how I love how my son has “caught” my attitude of gratitude toward my wife, his mom. We’ve been married 21 years now and I don’t take her for granted anymore. I’ve really had a falling in love again experience after our early marriage I was distracted with the pursuit of saving the world, helping everyone else and being successful. I have to admit, I didn’t give my wife my best—I seemed to have given it to my work and hobbies and caring for everyone else. 

Today I make it my passion and choice everyday to cherish, love, honor, listen to and give lots of encouraging words and affection to my precious wife. Now that I’ve been consistently doing this, 
my son has caught on and he does this too! I’ve noticed him saying amazingly encouraging words to her, complimenting her, treating her so well and giving her lots of attention and hugs. My thankfulness for my wife has been caught by my son and I’ve never really had to say a word; thankfulness is caught rather than taught.

  

Shawn Moreland loves being the father of one terrific ten-year-old. He serves as a chaplain in the Army National Guard and lives with his wife and son in Springfield, MO. He can be reached for question or comment at shawnlivinglife@yahoo.com 

Thankful Dads Beget Thankful Children

I am a Dad-In-Training.  I do not have a degree in parenting.  No one pays me, so I’m not a professional.  I am an amateur, a Dad-In-Training. 

                

As a Dad-In-Training I learn as I go. I learn from other dads.  I learn from my children.  Some things work really well.  Other things work not so well.   

One of my sons was angry one day.  He slammed the bedroom door.  I wanted to teach my son to control his anger and not to slam the door.  So I opened the door really hard and slammed it even harder.  This did not work so well.

I wanted my son to learn, “Dad, that really looks mean, nasty, and aggressive.”  But the door broke through the dry wall.  My son learned that I am a weirdo with a lot to learn. 

I have taught my boys to run long distances, play hockey, and sail.  I am learning that the more time I spend with my boys the more they learn from me.    

What my boys have most learned from me is what I call “Language Lessons.”  My boys have been learning English from me since the day they were born.  Not one of them speaks German, Japanese, or French.   They speak English. 

                

There were no lessons or books, per se.  There was just lots of practice.   The more I talked the more they learned.  Some people say I talk a lot.  I don’t know about that.  But I can tell you that they speak English pretty well.         

                

But what do I want my children saying?

This is the question we Dads can ask and answer together.  We need to think about what we want our children learning from us.    

Our children learn to say what we say.  When I slammed the door my children learned to be angry and destructive.  They also learned to repair dry wall.   

But when I am grateful, my boys learn to be grateful.  When I am thankful, my boys learn to be thankful.  I am learning that thankful Dads beget thankful children. 

                

I am thankful for my boys.  I am thankful for my boys’ mother.  I am thankful for my boys’ coaches and teachers and those who spend time with them.  I am thankful for my boys’ church and the dear people who invest in them.  I am thankful to each of you Dads who model, and encourage, and mentor me.        

                

I am learning that my boys learn to do what I do and say.  You and I have a huge influence and opportunity to mold, shape, and encourage great things in my boys.  We can teach our children how to run and play.  We can also teach them to be thankful. 

Thank you for being a Dad.  We are in this together.  Let’s learn from each other.

Jeff Sippy resides in Springfield, MO and is the father of three sons, all now young men. When he's not out sailing, he can be reached for question or comment at jsippy@rlcmail.org.

7th Grade Advice to Dad

Knowing the deadline is up for this month's Real Good Dads blog post, I decided to let my 7th grade class have a shot at letting fathers know what’s important to them.  For their question of the day I asked them, "What advice would you give dads from the perspective of a 7th grader?"  With only slight editorial adjustment, here it is:

·         Spend time with your kids instead of always doing work.

·         Work on trying to understand what’s happening in your child’s life.

·         When you baby your teenagers, understand that it makes them feel like you are disrespecting them.

·         You want to be fun.

·         Use constructive criticism with your kids.

·         Respect your daughter’s privacy.

·         Give your kids more responsibility

·         Give your kids more freedom.

·         Don’t assume that you know what your kids feel like.

·         Don’t use old people sayings.

·         Your kids don’t like it when you embarrass them.

·         Don’t take your anger out on your kids.

·         Don’t yell at your kids because it just makes them want to rebel against you more.

·         Unless you are a good singer or dancer don’t sing or dance in front of your kids’ friends.

·         Recognize it when your kids actually do well.

·         Understand that sometimes your kids do things that they don’t realize is bad.  Take their intentions into account.

·         Give your kids a chance to explain when they are in trouble.

·         Let your kids have fun. Sometimes logical consequences are better than restrictions.

·         Try not to swear around your kids because that’s a bad influence.

·         Teenagers want to be independent, so take some time to teach them how to do some things      on their own.

·         Treat your kids with the same respect that you would treat your friends.

·         Give your kids some alone time when it seems like they need it.

·         Don’t buy clothes for your kids without them approving.

·         Respect your children’s property, let them have some personal space.  (They need a bubble).

·         Trust your children.

·         Check their text messages.

·         Make sure you have a Carbon Monoxide tester in your house.

·         Have your kids’ eyes checked regularly.

·         Tell your kids stories about when you were a child.

·         Listen to your kids and not always just to your wife.

Darren Sombke is the father of four living in northern Illinois. He and his wife have one seventh grader remaining at home. He can be reached for comment or question at darrensombke@yahoo.com.

The Cousins are Here!

"The cousins are here! The cousins are here!" This is was what the Boy was shouting at dinner last night as my sister's family arrived. The Boy has the best time when his cousins come all the way from Missouri to Texas to visit. Since my sister also has a set of twins plus one, we have an unusual bond as parents besides being siblings. The difference is that at her house it’s all girls and at ours, it’s all boys all the time—with the exception of my lovely wife. Of course, with six children age 3 and under, bedtime was a bit more tricky then usual, but once we got everybody down the adults were able to kick back and enjoy some wine and tea to close out the evening.

Everybody, and I mean everybody, was up by 7 a.m. this morning, but in a house the size of ours that really isn't a surprise. I am just glad we made it that long.

Of course the Boy knows we have to go out and ride the bike at least once a day during the “30 Days of Biking,” even when the cousins are here. He figured the best way to accomplish this was to load up the bike trailer with all three toddlers and ride off to get some donuts. It sounded like a good idea to me, and so off we went. I am pretty sure that loading three small children into the trailer exceeded safety regulations, but they didn't seem to mind, even if the Boy was forced to sit on the floor. (It’s amazing why you’ll do when your cousins come to town.) We all had a great little ride and there was no complaining. WELL ACTUALLY, there was just a little complaining. All three passengers felt I should have been going faster when we came to an uphill section. I tried to explain to them it wasn't easy pulling 110 pounds of kids around, but this argument didn't quell their demand for greater speed.

As with all good things, the weekend finally came to an end and everybody was exhausted but very happy.  After a weekend full of fun and family, I am reminded of this Manifesto from Holstee.  "This is your LIFE.  Do what you want and do it often!"  I love spending time with family and will continue to do it as often as possible. I hope my boys will do the same.

Minor Baker and his sister are now the parents of four children each, so there’s even more fun when all the cousins get together. He can be reached for questions and comment at minorbaker@gmail.com.

"Hey Dad, Got Any Water?"

“Hey dad, got H2O?”

Two summers ago we took a family vacation out west. Since we were planning to go to Colorado, my 18 year-old son and I threw our backpacks in the car with the thought that we might spend a night or two in the mountains away from the normal camping crowd.  My wife and daughter decided they would find alternative fun sightseeing during this backpack break. 

Once we arrived in Colorado, we found relentless rain. The forecast showed no mercy.  Our carefully planned vacation went down the gutter (pun).  Scanning the weather radar, my son found a county in Utah within 4 hours drive with no rain, so we pushed on to discover Canyonlands National Park, an amazingly beautiful area with no crowds.  (Sometimes the best plans are those that unfold while on your journey.)  After a couple of nights in a scenic campground, my wife and daughter headed south to see Four Corners and dropped us off at a trail head with a guide book and backpacks.  They looked more than just a little bit doubtful as they pulled away.

The park ranger reminded us that in the desert we needed to carry a gallon of water per person per day. Now, we are accustomed to hiking in the cool Colorado Mountains, not the hot, desert conditions of the Canyonlands, so we probably didn't listen very well to his advice.

My son filled his water pack, and I filled my water bottles. We didn't have nearly a gallon apiece, but we had always been able to find and purify our water on the Colorado mountain trails so we weren’t too concerned.

It was a hot and challenging day of hiking, but with beautiful views.  Time and again my son challenged me to leap large chasms so we could stay on the ‘trail’.  He was in top physical condition and seemed to have no fear.  I on the other hand was wondering who was going to carry me out when I got stuck or injured on the boulders.  As we arrived exhausted at our back country camp, my son sipped the last of his water and asked me if I had more. Uh, no, it turns out I'm about empty too, son. And guess what? We're in the desert and we haven't seen water all day, in fact we’ve only seen one other person all day.  We decided to tackle that problem in the morning and enjoyed the peaceful, evening, desert sky, both of us wishing we had brought our guitars to accompany the Milky Way light show.

The next morning I was surprised when my son nudged me in the tent, saying, "Dad, you need to wake up. We need to hike up this valley now because the guidebook says we might find a bit of water, and we need to get started before it gets too hot to hike back out today."

Wait a minute! This sounded uncomfortably similar to my admonition to him only a week earlier: "Son, get out of bed. You have a several yards to mow and it going to get hot today. You'd better get moving so that you can be finished before it gets too hot." If I hadn’t been so tired and thirsty I would have laughed at the irony. Look what I have to look forward to all the days of my life…..words that come back to me like a sharp boomerang.

It turns out that he was right, and before it got too hot we found a small puddle of warm dusty-looking water that we filtered and drank, and all was well. We survived our excursion into the desert and lived to hike again. We were drawn closer together and learned to trust each other more.

My advice?  Pack extra water and enjoy the desert sojourns with your children, discovering new territory, gifts and strengths you didn’t know you both had.  The shared time and adventure are something you will both treasure.  Now, if only we could figure out how to carry those two guitars!

Duane Highley is the father of four grown children. He and his wife, Lisa, live in Little Rock, Arkansas. This post was originally written a few years ago.

She's Leaving Home--Bye, Bye!

Children are born, and from that moment on they begin the process of separation from their parents.

The first big step is Kindergarten.  Putting your child on the bus, watching it drive away, and breaking down in tears on the curb.  Yes, even the dads cry over this one.  How will they ever get along without me? They can’t tie their shoes yet! We can’t talk to them all day! 

Then follow a number of incremental separations, overnight trips, school activities, vacations with friends, mission trips, and we gradually learn to accept they have their own little lives.

But the next hardest separation, and maybe the very hardest one short of death, is leaving home for college, or just moving out after high school.

They have lived with you, or should I say lived off of you, for almost 20 years, every day, sharing each and every turn in their lives, whether they wanted you to or not.  And as a parent, you’ve gotten pretty used to giving instructions and advice.  “Did you sign up to take the ACT?  What time will you be home?  You need to practice your piano before you watch TV.”  Probably by the end of high school most of this advice goes unheeded, but you give it nevertheless.

At last, there is that moment when they are really, really leaving home.  The vehicle is packed with what they consider their most precious items (underwear, Bible, cell phone charger and guitar).  What they don’t know, and you may not yet realize either, is that they will probably never return, at least not in the same circumstances, and your relationship will never, ever, ever be the same again.  Gulp.

My wife and I have now experienced this joyful pain three times, and it has not become any easier.  It’s just so hard to say goodbye to your son or daughter, especially when they don’t truly appreciate the significance of the moment.  You know, but they don’t really know they are moving on to the next defining stage of their lives. 

As they enter this stage, try to provide mature adults in their lives that they can consult on life choices.  People like youth leaders, uncles, and even your friends.  They may not listen to you at this stage, but they will listen at least a little to other adults.  You might have to “accidentally” arrange these encounters, and also be willing reciprocate by having lunch with your best friend’s daughter to encourage her in choosing a college major.  

So, prepare for the day, gird yourself, and bravely stand on the porch, waving to your loved son or daughter, wishing them well, letting them load up the car and drive away.  And make sure you have a box of tissues close by.  You’re going to need them.  Then, keep praying.  Growing up is not easy, but God has a better plan for them and it probably does not include them living with you until they are 40. 

Fare thee well, my son, until we meet again, and oh yeah, return the garage door opener please! 

I am interested in your thoughts.  What advice would YOU give?  Reply at dadoonad@gmail.com Email me if you want to share your stories about children leaving home.  We could gather them all into a future article.

Duane Highley is the father of four older children who have been through a number of transitions.  He and his wife Lisa reside in Little Rock, Arkansas.

Who Influences Your Kids?

One of my son's teachers, who also happens to be a very good friend, gave the kid a graduation card that was a special encouragement to him.  I was moved when I read it as my friend talked about being a young man of integrity and honor, of using his gifts to make the world a better place, and to honor the God who gave them.  I realized how blessed I am to have other excellent examples in my kid's lives because God knows that they need more positive role models than me or most of the knuckleheads in our culture who happen to be famous. I really am grateful for the other men and women who appreciate my children and challenge them in ways that I never could.  I want to foster that discernment in them to surround themselves with people who will influence them in positive directions.  We aren't fortunate enough to live near family so teachers, coworkers, coaches and fellow church members have filled the gap quite nicely. 

The Impact of Others

Who else is influencing your kids?  Hopefully it's not only their peers, but also other adults who have the wisdom, integrity and values that need to be reinforced from many different directions. One of the assets for healthy growth is having non-parental adults to relate to. Sometimes we parents can be threatened by other adults in our kids’ lives. We need to make sure that we are okay with our kids talking with other adults—be it teachers, coaches, church youth leaders, extended family members, or other friends’ parents.  One consideration is that you are acquainted with these adults and generally share their values and perspectives.

Clue Them In and Stay in the Loop

Let them know you appreciate the fact your child feels comfortable sharing with them and that you are OK with the relationship. They don’t have to share everything with you, but you trust that if there is anything of real concern they will encourage your child to talk with you about it.  If you do become aware that your child is confiding in an adult with whom you are not familiar, it’s important to make the effort to connect with that person.  Your children need to know that you are going to be engaged with those other adults. Also, notice if your child’s language or attitude changes after being around particular people and don’t be shy about mentioning it if you do, either for good or for ill. There is a lot of truth in the old cliché that it takes a village to raise a child; we just want to make sure that we know the village.

Darren Sombke, father of four, experienced two graduations this summer -- his son's college graduation and his daughter's high school graduation. He can be reached for comment or question at darrensombke@yahoo.com