Raising Givers or Takers

Someone recently asked me how my wife and I raised sons who are what they deemed as “givers.” Keep in mind, our family is flawed and faces many of the challenges all families face, but when asked this question I had to agree that giving seems to be a lifestyle for our boys. Later, when I told my wife about the conversation and asked her what she thought the key to living a giving lifestyle was she simply replied, “Kids can’t become givers until they stop being takers.”

Her sentiment stuck with me for days. Our current society is definitely one which breeds “takers.” It is fostered; it is championed; it is cheered. Thoughts of self quite often supersede thoughts of others. When it comes to parenting, I feel as if I am a broken record. But raising selfless, generous kids – kids who think of others before they think of themselves – takes teaching, training, exposure, and as always, modeling. When my boys would fight (yes, siblings sometimes fight) and become upset over not getting what they individually wanted, I had to ask myself about the kind of example I was setting. Was I griping about my job? My coworkers? The fact that I wasn’t being heard, or promoted, or lauded, or compensated, or served? And if all of this grumbling was indeed taking place in my life, was it taking place within earshot of my children? Conversely, were they hearing me speak of the needs of others? Were they hearing me make plans to donate to those less fortunate or to serve, in various capacities, my community? Were my children hearing “they” more than “me” come from my own mouth?

For years, I thought generosity was most difficult for very young children to understand. However, as my boys grew, I quickly realized that while some people seem to naturally be more “giving,” training our sons and daughters early on in the ways of generosity helps break the cycle of “me-ism” that will certainly bombard their world in their tweens, teens and beyond. Take a toddler to visit lonely “grandparents” in the nursing home. Let a preschooler tag along as you ring a neighbor’s doorbell to deliver goodies. Help a first grader make a “bank” out of an old 2 liter pop bottle, and then challenge him or her to fill it up with change to donate in order to provide blankets for the local homeless shelter.

Over the past couple of decades, all sorts of innovative ideas have surfaced regarding how to give. Everything from “you purchase a pair of shoes, a shoe-less person in another country gets a pair of shoes, too” to “buy a goat for a family in a far-off village for your Christmas” have brought awareness and “care-ness” to homes all across our country. There is no shortage of things that can be given, just a shortage of parents willing to take the time to make sure their kids get the opportunity to give.

In this season of giving, I am inspired by the words of Martin Luther King Jr. and Winston S. Churchill. May you be inspired as well.

“As my sufferings mounted I soon realized that there were two ways in which I could respond to my situation—either to react with bitterness or seek to transform the suffering into a creative force. I decided to follow the latter course.”

Martin Luther King Jr.

“We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give.”

Winston S. Churchill

Kevin Weaver, CEO of Network211 and father of three sons, lives with his wife KyAnne in Springfield, MO. He enjoys spending time with family, hunting and watching University of Kansas basketball with his boys! He can be reached at kweaver@network211.com

Cultivating Thanksgiving at Christmas

*As a kid, my favorite of all the Holidays was Thanksgiving. We always celebrated at my Grandparents' house. It wasn’t out of the question to have 35-40 people gathered around five or six different tables. Their house was always full of laughter and love. Everyone would eat to their full. The parents would catch up on each others lives; the kids would catch up on play. It was a tradition I counted on, one I needed.

Thanksgiving evening, my Aunt Beckie would sit down at the old piano next to the kitchen. Like clockwork, you’d see most everyone shift their attention in her direction. She’d start playing old hymns from times past. Grandpa would always stand to the side of the piano singing with her. Pretty soon, ten other voices chimed in. If I close my eyes, I can still hear those sounds; I can still see a few tears rolling down thankful faces. It made me appreciate what I had. It helped me understand what it meant to be thankful for life and family.

With today’s fast paced culture, I’ve learned I have to be a bit more forward in how I encourage my kids to have an attitude of gratefulness. Technology, though it has it advantages, has watered down social interactions, and I want more than that for my children. I want my kids to feel the joy that sitting down at a big table with those they love, and lots of food, brings. I want them to have memories of playing outside with their cousins and friends without the burden of a cell phone. I want them to experience the unmatched feeling of giving to those who can do nothing for them in return. Twenty years from now I want them to be able sit down with their children, with watery eyes and a full heart, telling them stories of how it used to be. Just thinking about that kind of legacy makes my heart overflow.

So as we go into this Thanksgiving Holiday, here’s my wish for us all:

May our hearts be open.

May our burdens be lite.

And in all things, Be Thankful.

*We were unable to include Chris's post at Thanksgiving, but we thought much of what he said also applied to the Christmas holidays.

Chris Moss, with his wife Tiffany, keep company with five lively children. He currently resides on the outskirts of St. Louis, Missouri. Chris is the Missional Co-Founder of the grass-roots community organization The Serve Movement. He's a writer, a dreamer, and a voice for the underdog. He can be reached for comment or question at thechristophermoss@gmail.com or on Facebook (www.facebook.com/thechrismoss).

Promoting Generosity

Merry Christmas!

I think about promotions in three ways: 1) an advertised special purchase price, 2) a behavior we encourage, and 3) a position of higher responsibility in a career field.  All three apply to our role as Dad’s helping promote our children’s generosity.

I’m straying into the topic of business for a minute.  When a business thinks of promotions, it’s typically related to item 1 and 2 above.  This holiday season, Black Friday and Cyber Monday (and Tuesday, and Wednesday, and yes, I was still getting emails on THURSDAY after Thanksgiving!) are some of the biggest times of year when businesses put marketing into high gear to promote what they are selling.  Many hours and dollars are spent in a highly intentional, well-planned process, to get customers to behave a certain way. 

I think that’s a great place to start when considering how to teach our children to be generous.

Planning.  How are we dads generous?  Do we plan ways to give our time, energy, and money to others?  How about our spouse—that person we promised to love more than any other person for a lifetime?  I figure if we dads can remember our wives’ birthdays, Christmas, Valentines, Mother’s Day, and the ever-critical anniversary dates that is our bare minimum standard. 

Do whatever it takes—write it on a calendar or plug the dates into your phone.  The mother of our children should not be left wondering if we remembered to be generous with her.  It should be something we plan for, not a hastily thrown together scheme at the last minute.  Kids are watching.  If a week before the big event, Dad invites the kids to help in a “secret” project to make Mom a home made card for her birthday or to help hide her Valentine’s chocolate box, they’ll understand this generosity concept is a big deal!

Modeling Behavior.  If we want our kids to be generous, we need to be generous.  Recently, as we enjoyed some donuts downtown at the local Hurts Donut shop I asked my twin sons, “How should a Dad teach his children to be generous?”  Interesting responses:

• He should be kind.
• He shouldn’t get mad too easy or stay that way long.
• He can give his money to church and help his kids give their money too.
• He can volunteer time with Convoy of Hope (we did this one!)
• He should make sure to put giving money in the budget.
• He should keep working at something even if it doesn’t help himself out.

My 10-year-old boys who normally think of nothing but Minecraft and robots said these things.  Lots of active “doing” in there.  It takes a lot of work to display kindness, patience, giving, volunteering, having a plan and sticking to it.  I think these boys may have a future in business.  I definitely think they’ll be great dads some day.

Position of Responsibility.  I like to think of myself as an asset manager for God.  In my local church, we use the word “steward” to mean a person who takes care of things that belong to someone else.  The key to all of this generosity, for me, is looking at the role model of the greatest giver, my Lord Jesus Christ, and seeing a responsibility he has entrusted to me.  When I’m tired and the kids are whiny and demanding, it’s hard to think about being generous to them, my wife, or anyone else.  Some days I’d rather sit in a comfy chair, crack open a beer, and watch TV.   But I’m called to be a servant leader, and nowhere in that job description do I see, “Sit in the corner and suck your thumb until you feel better about yourself.”  Instead, by giving attention to the people around me, the selflessness that Christmas reminds us of is front and center of my calling and career as a Dad. 

Generosity starts at home.  I may not be the handsomest or fanciest Dad when the day has been a rough one, but a smile, a pat on the back, a hug, a “glad to see you today” goes a long way to showing my family how to be generous.  Sometimes a surprise trip by their favorite donut shop is more than enough to model the thoughtfulness we would have our children display toward others, and all that sugar can spark some interesting conversation!

I’m a career Dad, an asset manager who has been graciously given a wife and three kids to help “manage.”  To love, cherish, pray for, encourage, teach, and enjoy.

Sid Whiting is the father of three and the husband of one. He lives with his wife Gail and their children in Springfield, Missouri. He also enjoys real estate investing, serving in the 135th Army Band as a percussionist and bass guitarist, and plays in the Praise Band "Soul Purpose" and the "Hallelujah Bells" hand bell choir.  He can be reached for comment or question at sid.whiting75@gmail.com or on Facebook (www.facebook.com/WiseSteward).

Promoting Generosity in Children -- Jeffrey Sippy, a Good Dad in Training

My wife recently bought me a book of quotations from Mother Teresa of Calcutta.  If you can find such a book I encourage you to get one.  Teach your children to be generous the same way you teach them anything.    

Children are amazing. They can be taught amazing things.  Children can be taught to kick a soccer ball, set a volleyball, and hit a golf ball.  Children can be taught to play the violin, skate forward and backwards, and operate a handheld electronic device.  Children can also be taught to be generous and to put the needs of others before their own.  Children can be taught to appreciate what they have.  Children can be taught to share.       

If our children are going to be generous then generosity needs to be the lifestyle and cultural value of our home.  Generosity does not just happen by wishing or wanting it.  Generosity needs to be as high a passion and priority as the other high passions and priorities of your life.  Generosity takes work and effort.               

Mother Teresa was a generous woman.  We need to highlight and profile generous people in our children’s life.  Children look up to pro athletes, actors and actresses, and musicians.  Children should also be encouraged to look up to generous people.   

There used to be a commercial with Michael Jordan.  The jingle went like this: “I want to be, I want to be, I want to be like Mike.”  Can you imagine children wanting to be like Mother Teresa or someone like her?        

Ask yourself right now, “What kind of person do you want your child to grow up to be?”  Would you like your children to be good at sports or music, math or science?  What if you were to say, “I want my child to be a generous person.”  

For you and me to raise generous children requires more than a casual conversation or a handful of change in the Salvation Army bucket at Christmas.  We need to help our children set tangible and sacrificial goals with clear objectives that benefit others in need.  Our children will benefit from knowing that they are blessed beyond measure and that their generosity makes a difference in the lives of others.      

Here are three ways I have taught my children to be generous.  I want to stress, however, that generosity is not just doing projects and generous things. Generosity is being a generous person from the inside out. 

 

1.  At birthdays, do not have children bring gifts for your child. Rather, pick a charity or a disaster relief and have children bring monetary gifts or food items to be given away.

2.  Have your children mow lawns or shovel the snow off walks for free.

3.  Teach your children to budget their money with a set percentage always to be given away. Start small, like 1 or 2 % with the objective of reaching a goal of 5% or 10% or more

      Jeff Sippy, a Dad-In-Training, is the father of three young men and the husband of Cindy. He enjoys sailing every chance that he gets. He is the senior pastor at Redeemer Lutheran in Springfield, MO and can be reached for question or comment at jsippy@rlcmail.org

Did You Say, "Thank You?" -- Springfield Dad, Kevin Weaver

As good dads, we strive to give our kids the best we can offer. But somehow, especially in the past, few decades, giving our kids “the best” has triggered some unintentional consequences. And one of those consequences is the production of a generation of young people who vehemently struggle with gratefulness. Now, before you think I am about to launch into a tirade regarding the millennial demonstrations we have seen occurring post-presidential election, hold up. When I think of a lack of gratefulness in the generation behind me, all I have to do is blame my own. Case in point, I have a very nice vehicle. When I first purchased said vehicle, I was thrilled. But, as time and my car have rolled on, I catch myself looking around at other very nice vehicles. You get where I’m going. So, how do we dads, who are possibly a little spoiled ourselves, create environments in our homes in which we can raise children possessing a grateful attitude? As always: we model it.

Modeling an attitude, a lifestyle even, of gratefulness can happen on both minute and massive scales. When children are very young, simply hearing the adults in their lives consistently and sincerely saying, “thank you,” is huge. This may not be earth-shattering advice, but all one has to do is go out in public for the day and consciously count the “thank-yous” to be surprised.

My wife, a middle school teacher, loves to treat her class. However, she says that anytime she gives out treats, she mentally tracks the expressions of gratitude. The last time she tracked, out of 115 students, seven said, “Thank you.” Seven. She says she doesn’t give anything to get a “thanks,” but that it is sad and disconcerting that students – and humans in general – have lost the fine art of thanking. The much needed art of being grateful and living lives of gratitude.

As children grow, there are numerous community opportunities, through our schools, non-profits, and religious organizations in which we can continue this modeling of gratefulness. When our sons were in elementary school, we often spent Thanksgiving Day serving homeless members of our town a special, holiday meal at a local hotel ballroom. One of our fondest memories as parents is that of our youngest, then around age six or seven, cheerfully carrying cups of pudding to downtrodden, displaced people, then pulling a chair up right beside them to chat their ears off regarding his busy and fascinating first grade life. It not only made him grateful for the home he had, but it fostered in him the ability to see all humans as fellow humans.

Into their teens and college years, we supported and encouraged our boys’ travel and service with campus groups, ministry organizations, and ROTC military outreaches.  We’ve lost count of the combined excursions, but never the count of life-changing, gratitude-inducing, human-kindness-in-action moments they have produced within our now-grown children. Maybe you’re thinking, “That’s great, Kev. But, my kids are really young.” Or, quite possibly, “I’d love to see my kids have experiences like that, but money and opportunity are scarce.” You need not look further than your elderly neighbor’s un-mowed lawn, or the person who opens the door for you and your little one to walk through. Grab your mower, have your kid pull weeds, and simply say “thanks,” in front of them once in a while. Or better yet, all the time. Remember, your kids are watching. 

Kevin Weaver, CEO of Network211 and father of three sons, lives with his wife KyAnne in Springfield, MO. He enjoys spending time with family, hunting and watching University of Kansas basketball with his boys! He can be reached at kweaver@network211.com

Generous Giving from the Mouths of Babes -- Springfield Dad Sid Whiting

Dad: “What does generosity mean to you?”

Aaron: “Giving stuff to people and being happy with what they are doing.”

Jonathan: “Being kind with what you have.”

Faith: “We do three things with money: Spend, Save, and Share.  Sharing is being generous.”

Sometimes my kids make me feel like I may qualify as a Good Dad some day.

Make no mistake, my kids started out as all kids do: whining, demanding, wanting to be fed, cleaned, cuddled, soothed, entertained . . . and all that RIGHT NOW!  It didn’t matter if my dear wife or I were tired, sick, hungry, hurt, frustrated, or not feeling up to par.  They had needs and those needs had to be fulfilled immediately!

Gradually, our kids grew older and we grew more resilient.  Being a parent to a needy child may be some people’s first attempt at being truly selfless.  That is to say, the moment when we first make someone else’s needs more important than our own, we have an opportunity to be truly generous.

My parents didn’t indoctrinate me nearly as much as I do my kids.  That’s not to say their method of child rearing is any better or worse than what I’m doing.  My folks were pretty easy going, and their approach was based on the philosophy that, “More is caught than taught.”  In other words, instead of making me write an essay about being generous, or reading a church tract or having a Bible study about being generous, my parents just were generous people.  As far as I can tell, their plan was that my brother and I would figure out that this was the right way to live as we observed them giving to church and charity.

I’m more methodical than my parents were when it comes to teaching my kids.  Maybe because I am a teacher by training, though not presently practicing my craft in a high school environment, I want to be sure there are lesson plans and an overall curriculum. I want to be certain all the general concepts are received and practiced, and all the detailed points are covered.  For example, our kids receive a commission for doing chores above and beyond regular works expected as being part of our family.  Out of that money earned, we teach them to do three things: Spend, Save and Give.  For my youngest, my dear Miss Faith, it’s Spend, Save, and Share.  She has a piggy bank with those labels on it.  Close enough for this professor.

By definition, we can’t be generous in isolation.  Generosity invites community.  First within our four walls, we practice being generous.  As the old saying goes, “Generosity begins at home.”  It doesn’t make sense to give all our money to someone in a foreign country if my kids are wearing shoes with holes, held together by duct tape, and two sizes too small.  But once everyone has several pairs of decent shoes for school, play, work, and church, then it’s time to see if we can wrap up a few pairs of Nike’s for the local homeless shelter at Christmas.  Our kids know how to be generous, because we dads are generous with them.  When their immediate needs are met, it helps open their eyes to the unmet needs of others.  It’s their invitation to practice generosity of their own.

Volunteering together is another great way to spend time together while teaching generosity.  On a recent weekend, my son Aaron and I helped pack almost 15,000 meals at Convoy of Hope.  Whether it was from two hours on our feet on a macaroni dinner assembly line or seeing the sheer size of the food and supplies warehoused, my son remarked that he never realized how many people had needs they couldn’t fill for themselves. 

Whatever way you choose to teach your kids, be sure they both hear and see you being generous.  Money is important, but not the only thing with which we can be generous.  We can be generous with our time, our smiles, our handshakes, our sincere compliments, our praise, our patience, and our spirit of perseverance.  As dads, we have many resources at our disposal given to us for a reason. Per my daughter, one of the best uses is to share them with others.

Raising Appreciative, Generous Children -- Springfield Dad Jeff Sippy

It was the worst whipping I ever received but it left an impression on my soul as well as my seat.  I will never forget the whipping.  I hope I never forget the lesson either.    

My twin brother and I have the same birthday.  My sister’s birthday is five days before my brother’s and mine, though she is six years older.  One year my uncle sent three birthday cards – one to me, one to my brother, and one to my sister.  My card had three crisp five dollar bills inside.  My brother’s and sister’s card had none. 

My parents tried to explain that the $15 dollars was to be shared equally.  But the lesson was lost on this ten-year-old boy.  I threw a fit.   My parents threw the book at me.  They took the money away and gave me the whipping of my life.  I was a selfish, thoughtless child.      

I don’t agree with whippings.  But I do agree that there are ways to impress the values of appreciation and generosity upon our children.  We want our children to be grateful for what they have.  We want our children to be generous with others.     

Teaching our children to be appreciative for what they have and generous with others begins with you and me.  As Good Dads it is our job to establish a tone in our home that is joyful, hopeful, and grateful.  Our children are watching us.  They are listening to us.  Our children need to see an “Attitude of Gratitude” in us and a heart for others.     

I asked my boys – Jason, 21; Aaron, 23; and Clayton, 25 – how they would raise children to be appreciative and generous.  This is what they had to say. 

1. Involve children in the family budget, family vacations, and major purchases.  If your children want to go skiing or buy a car, have them start saving their money.
2. Lead by example.  Your children learn from you.  If you want your children to be appreciative and generous then be appreciative and generous parents.
3. Talk to your children about being appreciative and being generous.  Talk to them about selfish, too.  If you let your children’s selfish behavior go unchecked then they will conclude this acceptable behavior.
4. Give your children a place to apply what they are learning – sports, summer camps, and other activities.  Lessons become complete and meaningful when children experience them for themselves.
5. Teach your children to say “please” and “thank you,” and help other children who are not as strong or able.  If someone needs help with something, give a hand!

My boys are raising me to be a Good Dad!  Let’s learn from them and from your children, too.  Let’s start small, let’s start at home, and let’s start today.  Let’s raise children who are grateful for what they have and who are generous with those around them. 

I am grateful for you!  You are a Good Dad.

Jeff Sippy, a Dad-In-Training, is the father of three young men and the husband of Cindy. He enjoys sailing every chance that he gets. He is the senior pastor at Redeemer Lutheran in Springfield, MO and can be reached for question or comment at jsippy@rlcmail.org