Some families go somewhere on vacation in the summer. Some prefer a “stay-cation.” And some use the precious months of June, July and August to pack up everything they own and move half-way across the country. 

In last week’s Good Dads Podcast we caught up with Alex and Miriam Green who are preparing to move from a suburb of Boston, Massachusetts to a city near Nashville, Tennessee. The Greens have elected to use a moving service where they pack the truck and someone else drives it to the new location where they then unpack it. They’ve lived in the Boston area for about three years and are trying to squeeze in as many visits with friends, birthday celebrations (four of the six of them have birthdays in a one-month period) and trips to the ocean as possible before they head west toward the Midwest.

This week we touch base with Minor and Sarah Baker who are moving from Austin, Texas to Springfield, Missouri. The Bakers chose to pack all their belongings into a pod, which will be delivered to their new home near the end of June. In the interim, they’ve been living first with Sarah’s parents and then Minor’s, waiting for the dust to settle and their new home to become available—not an easy task for a family with four kids and two dogs.

The Bakers’ departure from Austin is bittersweet for them. They’re excited about moving to a new community with new jobs. They like the thought of having both sets of grandparents nearby. Nonetheless, they’ve spent the last twelve years of their lives in Austin where all four of their children were born and they owned their first home. Along with the stress of packing, there’s the emotion of saying good-bye to many happy memories. Sometimes, in the midst of heat, humidity and hot-pod-packing it can all be a bit too much. 

What have they done, we wondered, to get themselves and their kids through this taxing period? Here’s what we learned from Minor and Sarah:

1.  Embrace friends and family while you’re packing—especially if they offer to help. Ask them to keep an eye on your kids. Sarah noted what a godsend this was in the last nerve-wracking days of emptying the house into the pod.

2.  Save room for couple time. Minor and Sarah agree that it may sound a bit odd to be planning a date night in the midst of moving, but they view it as an energizing essential to keep them going and reward them at the end of a long day. They agree that a little bit of fun for the two of you helps keep things in perspective.

3.  Find some local stuff to do as advance preparation. Minor mentioned how much he has enjoyed reading the Springfield News-Leader and listening to podcasts originating in the region as preparation for life in a new context. Both agree it’s helpful and exciting to become familiar with your new community before you leave the previous one. Saying good-bye can be hard, so it’s nice to do something that helps build the anticipation for living in a new location.

4.  Rent first; then buy. Initially the Bakers wanted to move from their home in Austin to a new home in Springfield. They could’ve done it. They sold their house and had a down payment in hand. However, after considerable thought and discussion they determined it might be best to actually live in their new city for a bit before committing to a new home and neighborhood. While moving twice can be a pain, Minor and Sarah decided it was a less stressful decision for them than trying to decide quickly on a new home 600 miles from their new location.

Most people don’t look forward to uprooting from one locale and re-rooting in a new area, but listening to couples like the Greens and the Bakers does help. Taking care of yourself and your couple relationship all go a long way to helping your kids embrace the experience of moving and the adventure of a new community where you'll hopefully be building happy new memories for years to come.

3 Things Your Children Should See You Do (That You Really May Not Want Them to See) -- Springfield Dad, Kevin Weaver

If you have been parenting for even a minute, your world has been bombarded with all sorts of advice on what you should do. Good dads know that they are to model love, laughter, and good work ethics. Not only do good dads know these are essential, but we strive to show them to the best of our ability. When one or all of these things seem to take hold in one of our kids, we celebrate. We are thrilled, even a little proud that we could play such a positive role in their overall development as a human being.

But, what about the things we should be doing that aren’t so “good looking” on the surface? Sometimes, dads need to be willing to be what the world might deem “unattractively transparent” so that kids can learn some pretty deep life lessons. It is with this mindset that I think of three things in particular that our kids should see us doing, but often some things that make us feel pretty uncomfortable.

1.      STRUGGLE

As parents, especially dads, we can have this innate desire to be seen as “superheroes” in the eyes of our young. Always the one with the great advice, the right answer, the solution to any and all problems. Always the one to swoop in and make things look easy. But, is that real life? And, more importantly, will our kids always be in situations where someone else will save the day? Struggle is part of life…real life…any life. If our kids never see us struggle, they will never have the opportunity to see us persevere. The ability to persevere in spite of challenging circumstances is a much-needed skill in order to be successful, but many young people lack it. It’s okay to let your kids see you struggle, as long as they see you persevere through it.

2.      CRY

Yup. I said it. Kids should see their dads cry. They also should see them laugh. Maybe not every second of every day, but crying and laughing are part of the emotional coping process. Now, you may not be the crying type and I can’t say I have cried that many times in front of my boys over the past almost 30 years, but they have certainly seen the eyes water on a few occasions. It isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s a sign of life. Let the kids know your emotional lights are on, somebody is home, and that somebody knows how to cope with the heartache and joy this life presents.

3.      APOLOGIZE

I will be the first to admit it, before my wife and kids can…I have a hard time saying I am wrong. But, admit I must, for wrong I often am. If you look around, ours is a culture in which many have a hard time conceding fault. Taking responsibility is not something humans tend to want to do. How critical it is for our sons and daughters to witness us not only making mistakes, but also owning up to them. We must exhibit the humility necessary to say, “I’m sorry. Will you please forgive me so that we can continue to live and love and work together?” Can you imagine if every person on social media possessed this skill? Our world would forever be changed. And in a good way. Dad’s, this kind of behavior gives our kids an example and experience to be the kind of adult people that will be skilled to develop deep relationships. 

So, as you ponder the things to let your kids see…and not see…remember to let them see you struggle, cry, and apologize. This just might lead to kids who can readily persevere, cope, and humbly get along with everyone else on the planet.

Kevin Weaver, CEO of Network211 and father of three sons, lives with his wife KyAnne in Springfield, MO. He enjoys spending time with family, hunting and watching University of Kansas basketball with his boys! He can be reached at kweaver@network211.com

Why Rough Housing with Dad is Important to Children -- Dr. Jennifer Baker

There's so much good information in The Boy Crisis by Warren Farrell PhD and John Gray, PhD that we could devote the contents of the Real Good Dads blog to it for the next six months. At the same time, we do have other topics we want to cover and writer dads we want to hear from. With that in mind, I want to cover one last topic that also coincides with our latest podcast with Dr. Farrell, namely the importance of the roughhousing dads do to their child's development.

I’m a mom, so I’m very familiar with those anxious pangs occurring when my husband went what I considered as “over the top,” wrestling with our children.

“Somebody’s going to get hurt,” I might said. “Keep it down,” I instructed. “Watch what you’re doing. You’ll be sorry when someone starts crying.”

Typically, my instructions and suggestions were ignored. Our kids loved wrestling matches with their dad. In fact, they begged for them. In their minds, the more full-body contact the better. If these episodes also involved a bit of danger and risk, e.g., being thrown in the air and flung over water, so much the better. I see the same sort of behavior with all eight of our grandchildren and their fathers.

According to Dr. Farrell, “Researchers consistently find that fathers who spend time with 

their children give their children the gifts of self-control and social skills” (p. 145). He believes that roughhousing contributes to children, and especially to boys, being less aggressive and having more social skills as an adult.

Dr. Farrell also asserts that it’s challenging for many moms to “get” roughhousing and the importance of ways in which dads challenge kids limits. I know. I used to cringe at some of the competitions and “bets” my husband set up with our children. "Why do you need to do that?" I wondered. "Why does everything need to be a game?"

Dr. Farrell asserts, “A dad’s tendency to turn everything into a game is the way dad makes it palatable to challenge his children’s limits” (p. 147). In other words, it’s the way a father helps his child see he can do more than he believes. She can work harder than she imagined.

I’m not saying I didn’t challenge their limits, too. I’m just admitting my husband did it differently—and sometimes his way was better. Kids need both—mothers and fathers working together to give them what they need. Ideally this occurs with mom and dad living in the same house, but even when it doesn’t children need contact with their dads because they gain things from their father they don’t typically get from their mothers. 

As Father’s Day approaches, I hope we will remember this and thank a good dad we know for his contribution to our life. You can also recognize a special dad in your life on the Good Dads web page. You can help more fathers become the good dad they want to be by contributing to the work of Good Dads. Just go to www.gooddads.com to give.

Why Good Dads Matter to Community Safety -- from The Boy Crisis by Farrell & Gray

   

     

     I frequently speak to groups about the importance of father engagement to outcomes for children--physically, mentally, behaviorally, and academically. I also say that even if you didn't care a thing about how children fare, you might still be interested in all of us are impacted by how much time a father spends with his children. The following statistics are included in The Boy Crisis by Warren Farrell, PhD and John Gray, PhD. They represent some of the latest research on the important of fathers to community safety.

     The Boy Crisis is available at a discount through the Good Dads website (https://www. gooddads.com).  You can alshear more from Dr. Farrell in the June 7th podcast, available on the Good Dads website or through your regular podcast host.

Community Safety Outcomes

Father absence predicts the profile of both the bully and the bullied: poor self-esteem, poor grades, and poor social skills.

Boys living with dads have better enforced boundaries, leading to better impulse control and fewer discipline problems.

Around 90% of homeless and runaway youths are from fatherless homes.ildren between ten and seventeen living without their biological dads were more likely to be victims of child abuse, major violence, sexual assault, and domestic violence.

Every 1% increase in fatherlessness in a neighborhood predicts a 3% increase in adolescent violence.

Among youths in prisons, 85% grew up in a fatherless home. Prisons are basically centers for dad-deprived young men.

Adolescents without their biological dads who were raised in stepfamilies face even higher incarcerations rates than in single-mom families.

Among children raised without dads and teen mothers, it is the boys who experience “alarmingly high levels of pathology”: substance abuse and criminal activity. These problems remain far greater for boys into adulthood.

Even when controlling for socioeconomic variables, children whose only “dads” are sperm donors are—

        a.   twice as likely to have problems with the law before age 25;

        b.   more than 2.5 times as likely to struggle with substance abuse; and

        c.   slightly more likely to experience problems with depression and mental health.

Absence of dad contributes to violent crime as much as absence of income.

Among criminals assessed as raping out of anger and rage, 80% came from father-absent homes.

Many of the lone school shooters were dad deprived.

Dad-deprived boys search for structure and respect in gangs.

Dad deprivation increases the likelihood of teenage motherhood.

Children age 10 to 17 living with their biological parents were less likely to witness violence in their families compared to peers living in both single-parent families and stepfamilies.

Farrell, W. & Gray, J. (2018) The boy crisis: Why our boys are struggling and what we can do about it. Dallas, TX: BenBella Books, Inc

Handling Surge on the Road and at Home -- Prime Driver, John Ogren

As the driver of an 18-wheel tanker hauling food grade products, John Ogren is familiar with “surge.” He might be hauling anything from liquid chocolate to grape juice to soybean oil; it doesn’t make much difference when he needs to stop his truck. At that moment, several thousand pounds of liquid in the unbaffled tank of his truck comes surging forward, shaking his cab in a dramatic way. (Check out John’s YouTube video at https://youtu.be/eq6JyrvfpDg.) According to John, you can minimize the impact of surge with some driving maneuvers, but you can’t eliminate it. It comes with driving a tanker truck. 

John Ogren has been driving for Prime forthree years. Although he initially started as a long-haul driver, he quickly moved to driving a designated route hauling food grade products. Initially his schedule took him home mostly on the weekends. Since he’s moved to northern Indiana, he’s home nearly every night. “I only slept in my truck two times in the last month,” John claims. 

Life on the road as a long haul driver can be difficult, but life as a regional driver is not without its challenges. “I never know,” John says, “exactly when I’ll be called into work the next day. I find out my schedule the night before and I may discover I have to leave home at 4 a.m. This makes it difficult for my family to count on me to do most things any night of the week. I may think I’ll be home, but I can get held up in some way that puts me home later than I thought. When that happens, I have a short turn-around time before I get rested up and get back out on the road.”

Although he no longer drives over-the-road like he did when he first started with Prime, John does know something about trying to stay connected with his family when he can’t be there in person. This is especially important to him as the father of a 17-year-old daughter who enters her senior year in high school in August 2018. Like many dads, he wants to be there for her and her Betty, his wife of 20 years. 

John knows a thing or two about “surge” in his personal life—that unexpected force threatening to knock you down when circumstances bring you to an unexpected halt. He didn’t always drive a truck. He started out in radio and spent 17 years on the air mostly in the area of sports casting. When the Great Recession hit in 2008, John knew he had to do something different to support his family, so he got his CDL and began driving a school bus. He soon figured out he could supplement his income if he drove the charter bus to school athletic events and served as the sports broadcaster for that activity. Although he enjoyed using his talents in many ways, when John became aware of an opportunity to have one job instead of three, as a driver for Prime he jumped at the chance. 

Life can shake a person up at times in unexpected ways. John has found staying connected with his wife and daughter essential to staying grounded. He talks with Betty when he’s on the road and texts with his daughter Anna. He says he’s had to increase the data usage on his phone, but he sees this cost as critical to staying on top of communication with his family.

Just as you can’t prevent surge, you also can’t prevent the headaches and hassles of life on the road. However, staying in touch with what is happening and having realistic expectations make a big difference when it comes to minimizing the impact of surge and other times when “life happens.” 

How Dads Make a Difference -- from The Boy Crisis by Dr. Warren Farrell & Dr. John Gray

When I recently spoke with the Care Managers at Jordan Valley Clinic about the importance of fathers to children's health, I was happy to have The Boy Crisis by Dr. Warren Farrell and Dr. John Gray to use as a resource. We're offering the book through our website and we are also featuring Dr. Warren Farrell in a "Part 2" podcast this week. If you want to know why we, at Good Dads, think this book is so important checkout material from Appendix B (pp. 403-407) below.

Why Dads Matter to Child Health and Behavioral-Health Related Outcomes

1.   Children with father loss have, by the age of nine, a 14% reduction in telomere length—the most reliable predictors of life expectancy. In addition, the telomere loss is 40% greater for boys than for girls.

2.   The more frequently a father visits the hospital of an infant who is born prematurely, the more quickly the infant is released from the hospital and the better the infant’s social-personal development and ability to adapt.

3.  The more interaction a boy has with his dad before six months of age, the higher his mental competence.

4.  Living in a home without a dad has a greater correlation with suicide among teenagers than any other factor.

5.   When dad has positive contact with children during the first two years, the children have fewer signs of unwanted and uncontrolled behavior.

6.  Dads tend to enforce boundaries. Toddlers whose dads set limits and enforced boundaries as the children explored had better social and emotional skills twelve to eighteen months later.

7.  When 172,000 children’s well-being was measured, through a combination of how well they did psychologically, socially, and with their physical health, children with equally shared parenting did much better than those in sole parenting or primary-parent arrangements, and almost as well as those in an intact family.

8.  Both boys and girls suffer after their parents’ divorce, but the greatest feelings of deprivation and depressive behavior were observed among boys.

9.  Only 15% of children living with only their dads had problems with concentration (e.g. ADHD), versus 30% living with only their moms.

10. Five- to eleven-year-old children living with their dads are less than one-third as likely to go to the hospital compared to those living with only their moms.

11. Among black boys, hypertension is reduced by 46% when dads are significantly involved.

12. Dad deprivation increases the likelihood of teenage motherhood.

13. Among preschool children admitted as psychiatric patients in two New Orleans hospitals, 80% came from homes without fathers. Similar percentages emerge among dad-deprived children in Canada, South Africa, and Finland, at ages from preschool through high school.

14. Worldwide, the amount of time a father spends with a child is one of the strongest predictors of the child’s ability to empathize as he gets older.

15. The more contact children have with their dads growing up, the more easily they make open, receptive, and trusting contact with new people in their lives. And the more contact an infant has prior to six months of age, the greater the infant’s ability to trust.

     Photos on this blog post are from a recent Good Dads @ the Zoo event. Our thanks to the 100+ dads and kids who participated. Dr. Jennifer Baker is the Founder and Director of Good Dads. 

Becoming a Full-Time, Stay-at-Home Dad -- Herb Cody, Nixa Father of Three

Back in 2010, I married for the first time, at the age of 34. My wife already had two beautiful and amazing children of her own that she raised as a single parent. Once we got hitched, we had a little boy together. I was able to be the stay-at-home Dad, and take care of my son throughout the day. My wife worked full time, so I would get up with him during the night. I absolutely loved it.

  

My wife had gone through the baby thing twice, so she was pretty much an expert, while I was learning as I went. Things would have been much more stressful without her by my side. Every day was a new learning experience. What my wife could not answer, I asked my sister or mom. It never hurt to get many different opinions when it came to what that rash was, or why I couldn’t get him to stop crying or go to sleep. 

When my wife was able to start working from home, it was such a blessing. Not many kids are able to stay home with one parent each day, let alone both. The only challenge was trying to keep him from banging on the glass door which separated him from the room his Momma was working in. 

I was without a doubt, the pushover when it came to our youngest, but was the tougher one on the older two. Emily and I figured out our roles pretty quickly. We had the “good cop, bad cop” routine down. 

I have so much respect for those who are able to be single parents. It is hard enough raising kids with two parents present, and a supporting cast of family around to help. 

My baby boy is now seven. I was somehow able to navigate fatherhood, and help raise a pretty awesome little guy. As parents, there is nothing more satisfying, than knowing how great your kids are, and that it has a lot to do with ole Mom and Dad.

  

Herb Cody is a husband and father of three. He is a part time Uber driver and full time caregiver  of his spouse, who suffered a traumatic brain injury after an auto accident November, 2015. Herb loves football and is a St Louis Cardinals fanatic. He and his family live in Nixa MO. Herb can be reached for questions or comments at herbie05@yahoo.com

You can check out Herb's own blog at, www.thecodylife.weebly.com