“What’s
that?!”
“It’s good. You’ll like it.”
“Yuck.
No I won’t.”
“How do you know you won’t like it if you
haven’t tried it?”
“It
looks gross.”
“Well, it’s not, and your mother worked
really hard at making a nice dinner for us, so eat it!”
“I
can’t. I’ll throw up!”
“No you won’t – and you’re not getting up
from this table until you’ve eaten it, young lady, so you’d better get started
now!”
And so the
lines are drawn, and the battle begins . . .
Sound
familiar? I don’t know any father who
hasn’t played out the above scenario in some form or another with his kids, and
it can be a very frustrating experience on both sides.
Granted, if our
children’s biggest struggle is with trying new food at dinner, they’re probably
not going to be emotionally crippled for life.
On the other hand, if they are paralyzed with fear about trying anything new, they could miss out on a
great deal of the joy and adventure of living.
So what can
we do as fathers to help our children overcome their fears and welcome new
experiences in life? We can proactively
address four underlying beliefs that hold our kids back, and we can build a set
of beliefs into the foundation of their character that will help them embrace
the new rather than fear it.
Four
Beliefs That Hold Kids Back
Belief #1: Inability (“I can’t do it”)
Kids
sometimes think that because they haven’t done something before, that means
they can’t do it. As fathers, we can
help foster a sense of independence in our children by giving them small things
to do from a very young age. We can
encourage their natural inclination to want to “do it myself”, then congratulate
them on their successes, and not criticize when the finished product is less
than perfect.
My 8-year-old
daughter Charissa and I were building Lego houses together a few months
ago. After a while, I saw how I could “improve”
part of her design. I started rebuilding
a stairway so it would be more sturdy and, in my opinion, more aesthetically
pleasing. My daughter saw what I was
doing and said seven words that had me scrambling to put things back the way I
found them. She looked at me with her
big eyes and just said, “I worked really hard on that, Daddy.” I’m grateful she spoke up and helped me
realize that despite my good intentions, I was sending her a message that she
wasn’t good enough. I pray I never make
that mistake again.
Belief #2: Incompetence(“I won’t be good at
it”)
Even when a
child realizes they have the ability to do something new, they may not have the
assurance they can do it well. For some kids, that’s a show-stopper. As fathers, we can help foster a sense of
confidence in our children by giving sincere praise for their
accomplishments. By celebrating their
achievements with them, our children grow more self-assured and more eager to
try something new.
Charissa is
learning how to play basketball, and before her first game, she was terrified
she would make a mistake and be embarrassed in front of everyone. Fortunately, she has a great coach. He made a concerted effort to give positive
feedback for every good move on the court, and by the time the game was over,
Charissa’s main comment was, “That was fun!”
I want to be an encouraging coach for her as well, so every new
experience she has will end with the same feeling.
Belief #3: Insecurity (“I’m not safe”)
If children
don’t feel safe, they have a difficult time taking risks with new
situations. Kids need to know they are
loved and protected unconditionally. As
fathers, we can help foster a sense of security in our children by showing them how important they are to
us and by providing them with a stable environment. We do this by spending time with them, enjoying
them, and listening carefully to how they feel.
When Charissa
was six years old, I took her to the Daddy-Daughter Dance sponsored by the
Lutheran Student Center at MSU. I left
the house early and purchased a white rose, then drove back home and rang the
front doorbell. When my wife opened the
door, I saw Charissa all dressed up with her face just beaming at me, and it
brought tears to my eyes. I knew I’d
done something right. I’d added to
Charissa’s foundational beliefs about her value, her security and her
confidence. I’d let her know she was
loved.
Belief #4: Inadequacy (“If I fail, I’m a
failure”)
If children
get their sense of worth out of succeeding in what they do, then when they
don’t succeed, their sense of worth plummets.
Rather than take that risk, some kids just avoid trying anything new. As fathers, we can help foster a sense of strength
in our children that helps them cope with the inevitable mistakes and missteps
of life. We do this verbally by letting
them know it’s ok to make mistakes, and by not criticizing, teasing, or
disapproving when they mess up. We also
strengthen our kids by modeling the process for them. We can do new things together with them, and
when it doesn’t go as planned, let them know it’s ok, help them think through a
solution, and show them we’re still having fun.
I decided
that for my daughter’s birthday this year, I was going to build a cake for her
in the shape of a castle. I’d never done
anything like this before, but how hard could it be? At one point in the process, Charissa saw the
cake, and although she was polite, I could tell she had some doubts about how
it was going to turn out. So did I. When her mother called to reassure Charissa
that it couldn’t be that bad, her response was, “Oh but Mom, you can’t see it.” Well, I modeled some perseverance and
determination that day. After adding
about 30 reinforcing skewers, a Rice Krispy retaining wall around the whole
cake, and even a few nails pounded into the foundation, it turned out all right. Charissa loved it, and I think she learned a
valuable lesson about how to accept mistakes and push on through.
Every child
is different, and some will be more intimidated by new things than others, and
that’s ok. But all will benefit from
having a solid foundation based on these four core beliefs:
·
Independence (“I can do it!”)
·
Confidence (“I’m good at it!”)
·
Security (“No matter what, I am safe!”)
·
Strength (“Mistakes are ok.”)
As dads, our
influence over our children in these four areas is greater than that of anyone
else. As we teach, encourage, support,
and model these foundational beliefs for our kids, we will reap the reward of
watching them grow and enjoy all the new experiences life has to offer.
Steve Moser is the father of four and the husband of Mindy. He lives with his wife and his youngest child, Charissa, in Springfield, MO where he serves as the Parish Life Director at Redeemer Lutheran Church. He can be reached for question or comment at smoser@rlcmail.org.
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