We
all want our kids to be successful. We all want our kids to be winners. It
isn’t that we won’t love them, regardless, but we simply want them to be
healthy, happy, and feel like they are living their best lives. When they are
quite young, we give them support in every way possible, including in the most
basic of physical needs. We bathe them, feed them, change them, and in doing
so, these little people definitely change us. But, as they grow – physically,
mentally, spiritually, relationally – we have to learn how to let them do
things on their own.
In
education, the process of gradually removing support, as a student is becomes
stronger in supporting him or herself is called “scaffolding.” Some of the help
we initially provide for our children becomes less and less necessary as our
children grow into their “own.” The doesn’t mean they won’t always need our
help in some way, but their constant need for us to be their guide or even
guardrails will begin to wane. As it does, we want to be sure that we have done
all we can to set them up for success. But, perhaps more importantly, we want
to be sure we have done all we can to teach them how to find success, even in
the midst of what seems to be life’s setbacks. I’ll have to confess . . . the
rescuer in me found that very difficult to do at times.
Some parents
believe setbacks have “silver linings”—a philosophy they share with their
children. Parents often strive to espouse the idea that no matter what bad may
happen around or because of or to them, there is always good to be found. My
wife and I have found this to be a precarious philosophy, as we have come to
believe there are a lot of things in our world that are just plain bad. For
instance, cancer is bad. No matter how you slice it. But, setting our kids up
to find the best in themselves when they can’t find the best – (forget the
superlative), can’t even find one ounce of anything that looks remotely good in
something, can be life changing.
Struggles
and failures will come. These challenges will range from not making a sports
team, to being hurt by a friend, to consequences from making their own bad
choices. But if we have equipped our kids to dig deep, remember who they are,
and who loves them, they are more likely to realize they still have so much to
live for. It’s easier for them to readily forgive, and to readily accept
forgiveness themselves. It enable them to believe they still can find success.
Part
of setting our kids up, a key platform in that structure of scaffolding, is
helping them to understand the varying definitions of success. Help them define
their own. Talk about it as a family. What does each family member think
success looks like? Is it the pro athlete? Is it the Oscar-winning movie star?
Is it the super model? Is it the CEO of a company? Is it the single mom down
the street who works two jobs, but always has a smile on her face and somehow
never misses one of her kid’s ballgames? Is it the classmate who has a
disability, but eagerly tries everything everyone else does, and never asks for
help or gives up?
Actually,
come to think of it, maybe we should also discuss our definitions of failure.
Is failure not making the team, or not having the best job, or not having all
the advantages we think others have?
Or is
failure letting all of those things keep us from doing all we can to be all we
can be? My encouragement to you…take every advantage to be intentional about
these important topics. You kids will
thank you for it!
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