Let’s face it. Celebrating the holidays can be very stressful
and depending on your family’s background and traditions, the tension can last
for weeks. Even if you are able to keep plans for your festivities reasonable,
you still have to cope with the behavior and expectations of others. Just
trying to find a parking place near your favorite store can be a hassle on
December days when every space is taken. This kind of stress is peripheral to
the pressure we may feel from family to perform in a certain way (gatherings,
gifts, etc.) on specific days like Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. Some folks I
know spend a majority of their time shuttling their offspring between
households of extended family regardless of weather conditions, sleeplessness
and exhaustion because it is expected they will do so. A perfect storm of
stressors begins to build for many families around this time of year and often
reaches a boiling point right at the time we long to be “merry and bright.”
Christmas Amnesia
Because this “holiday hoe down” happens every year, we ought to
be smarter about planning for it and preparing to alter the course of our
behavior, but most of us don’t. Bill Doherty, author of The Intentional
Family, refers to this phenomenon as “Christmas amnesia” and notes
that it is akin to “women forgetting the pain of childbirth soon after
delivery. It is an amnesia that helps to populate the earth and keep the
tradition of family Christmas alive.” We could make plans to do things
differently, to allow for demanding people and difficult situations, but we
often disregard our discouragement, delay making plans to do something
different, and delve back into the same dilemmas a year later. This year, why
not plan to do something different.
Be Honest about Discouragements
There’s no time like the present to take a few notes about what
discourages you most. You may not be able to extricate yourself from some
holiday hassles this year, but the hope of doing something different next year
can help sustain you. While the feelings and thoughts are fresh, write them down.
This will be critical in March and April when Christmas amnesia is likely to
set in.
Plan Early to Do Something Different
You know that celebrating the holidays can have its anxious
moments. You’re aware there are some people—often those to whom we’re
related—who will be difficult. If you are the person in charge of seeing that
the holiday happens for your clan (Doherty refers to you as the “Christmas
Coordinator), then recognize you need help. The key to all these realizations
is planning for changes before the season heats up and then letting others
know early and often about the changes that will occur. What
might that entail?
Developing Solutions for Old Dilemmas
If you are the Christmas Coordinator you’re very likely to
assume a martyr role as the holiday approaches, doing more and enjoying it
less, while your spouse and family sit on the sidelines and watch you work. Here
are some suggestions to assist you in altering that behavior.
1) Involve
other by asking for help with specific tasks.
Instead of saying, “I need
help with the shopping;” say “I need you to purchase the gifts for your brother
and sister. I’ll give you the list at least six weeks in advance.” Rather
than bemoaning that you “always have to do all the decorating,” say “I need you
to get all the boxes out of storage and set up the tree the day after
Thanksgiving.” Others are much more likely to respond when they know exactly
what they need to do to assist and how much time it might take.
2) Respect
the old, but try something new. As families grow they include
others, e.g., a new brother-in-law or sister-in-law, who will have new
traditions. Take the time to discover how they celebrate. Do they exchange
names for gift giving versus buying something for everyone? Do they swap “white
elephant” presents in lieu of something more serious? Consider how you might
honor the traditions of new members while trimming back some of the old.
3) Discuss gift exchanges and holiday travel well in advance.
If
you want to spend Christmas Eve or Christmas morning in your own home and this
challenges the expectations of others, tell them early (e.g. in July) and often
(repeated monthly if necessary) about your plans. Expect change back messages
on the part of other when you do this, but hold firm.
It’s not easy to make changes in family routines and rituals,
but it is possible. Challenge yourself to think about the memories you want
both you and your loved ones to have as they recall Christmases past. Will what
you’re doing now cause them to remember you more like the happy and fun-loving
Buddy in the Christmas movie Elf or someone more akin to the
Grinch who stole Christmas? It’s really up to you.
Merrily yours,
Dr. Jennifer
Baker
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