Our Good Dads podcast recently
received feedback from a listener who wondered about how a dad could be engaged
in his child’s life when the child’s mother, with whom he is no longer on good
terms, makes it extremely difficult for him to do so. Sadly, there are many
dads dealing with this heart-breaking concern. We frequently hear stories from
men in our New Pathways program about this issue. Their feelings of frustration
and powerlessness are understandable.
For more than two decades I’ve also
heard stories of parental alienation from men and women in therapy. It’s one of
the reasons I started Good Dads. Here are some considerations I typically share
with my clients and other men associated with Good Dads.
Photo by Aswin
1) Take the long-term
view. This situation will require considerable patience. It will not
be over quickly. It is essential you view the actions you are taking each and
every day as moving you even a little bit at a time in the right direction. One
dad recently said to me, "We didn't get here overnight. I know I need to
be patient."
2) Act with dignity and
respect. You never move yourself closer to your chosen goal by
behaving in angry and aggressive ways intended to intimidate or negatively
impact your ex-partner and, as a result, your child. I'm not saying it's easy.
I'm not saying the other party deserves it. I'm saying your child benefits when
you do this and that is the most important thing.
3 Do remember your child
with notes, cards, and occasional gifts even when you can't be
together. Our New Pathways dads make Christmas cards, valentines,
birthday cards, etc. and put them in a box they will someday be able to share
with their child even if they don't have contact at this moment. What children
want to know is, "Is my dad thinking about me?" This box, filled with
evidence from over the months or years, can go a long way toward healing a
relationship as an adult.
Photo by Kelli McClintock
4 Your child will never thank you for speaking badly of the other parent. Again, it may be true. They may deserve it, but that is the
only (in this case) mother the child is ever going to have. Let your child draw
his or her own conclusions, which they will do over time.
5 As they become teens or young
adults, children are often quite bitter and resentful toward one parent who
tried to turn them against the other. This is encouragement for you to "hold on" and also not
reciprocate with negative, caustic words of your own.
6 Pay child support. If this is an issue, always pay something, even if you can't
pay everything. Consult with Child Support Enforcement. Through their New
Pathways program, Good Dads has a special assistance for dads struggling in
this area.
7 Do seek legal help
for issues that cannot be resolved with time and patience. Also expect
the legal option to take time and money. Nothing moves quickly through the
courts.
8 Seek supportive
relationships, i.e., other people who will encourage you, not just
attempt to bring you down. The "ain't it awful" approach rarely moves
anyone forward.)
9 Consider using mediation. MARCH (Mediation Achieving Results for Children) is a private,
not-for-profit corporation governed by a board made up of representatives from
participating judicial circuits, mainly mediators. Other members include a
state legislator, judges, a family court commissioner, representatives from the
Missouri Family Support Division, and a member of the Family Law Section of the
Missouri Bar. Board and Advisory Committee members share a common goal in
promoting mediation as a first alternative to be utilized by separated families
in the dispute resolution process.
In addition to serving as the Executive Director of Good Dads, Dr. Baker is also in private practice as a clinical psychologist specializing in work with couples and families. Questions ore comments may be addressed to Dr. Baker at jennifer@gooddads.com
ReplyDeleteThanks,I appreciate your sharing this!
https://blog.mindvalley.com/co-parenting/