Staying Connected With a Traveling Man -- Dr. Jennifer Baker

Photo by Guillermo Sanchez on Unsplash

It’s not easy when a good dad travels for work. He misses his family and they miss him. Yet, millions of dads travel or work away from home for extended periods of time. Some must travel as a requirement of their employment. Many like what they do, they just wish it didn’t require them to be absent so often. Those who do it successfully often credit the importance of their “home team,” i.e., their wife, their significant other, or the caregiver for their children.

Experts tell us that couples who go the distance together have a number of important characteristics. These include making the couple relationship a priority, taking the long-term view, making healthy sacrifices for each other, and preserving time for fun and friendship. After all, you didn’t really get married to solve problems—though that is part of life. You got together because you had fun, talked like friends, and enjoyed each other’s company.

At Good Dads, we have a special heart for husbands and fathers who travel and “dad at a distance.” We recently reached out to a number of women whose husbands drive over-the-road to ask about how they stay connected as a couple. What follows are words of wisdom from women who live the life and are happy to share what they’ve learned with other “home team” women.

The Importance of Regular Connection

Staying connected as a couple can be a challenge, but Melanie Borden says technology made it easier. Even so, establishing a regular routine is important. She notes that she and her husband, Paul, “talk every morning by phone, sorting out the day’s business and touching base to make sure everything is good. We will usually talk or text a couple of times a day and we Skype with the dogs and grandkids on the weekends, when he is not home. We weather the ups and downs of marriage and always end a call with a laugh or something upbeat.”

Brandy Howe, married for eight years to her driver husband, reports something similar and stresses the importance of making each other a priority. She says, “This is the most important to us. We start and end our day with each other. We talk first thing in the morning and end the day talking. No matter how crazy my day gets, I always stop and call at certain times throughout my day just to say ‘Hi’ and ask how his day is going. He’s the first person I talk to and the last person also. No matter how stressed or busy we get, we always make each other our top priority.”

Some technology may work better than others, especially in remote locations. Theresa “Alika” Radloff says her and her husband, Alan, prefer to use the phone app, Duo, to stay connected. She says, “Duo is a phone app that has a better video/audio as far as video chats go. We talk on that at least once a day so that we can see each other and somewhat feel like we are together under the same roof.” Sometimes this approach extends to a three-way Skype video call between Alan, her and the children who live with their mother in another state. This way all of them can communicate as a family.

Alika has some health challenges which interfere with spontaneous conversation, so she texts Alan about times when she will not be available so that he does not worry if she doesn’t answer the phone.

Be Creative

Brandi urges couples to “be unique and creative in finding ways that work” for them. She and her husband enjoy very similar interests, so while he is away they share links to videos or articles about hunting, archery and other interests. He listens to podcasts when he is driving, so they have conversations on the phone about what he has learned about upcoming elk hunting, archery, and other topics. Sharing interests and staying connected through those interests plays an important role in their successful marriage.

Solving Problems Together

One of the more difficult aspects of being apart from each other involves handling problems or potential areas of disagreement together. Some suggest these kinds of conversations take place in person, face-to-face, but when a driver is gone for several weeks at a time, this may not always be practical. Couples may also want to avoid using precious home time for handling potential conflict. For this reason, Alika recommends email. She says, “When there is something of importance that needs to be addressed, then we email each other. We do the email or text thing for two reasons: one, it’s in black and white; and two, if we need to go back to check on something that was said, neither of us can forget. Silly, I know, but it works.”

The Home Routine

Finally, Brandi underscores the importance of establishing a routine for when her husband is home. They typically have one full day a week together, so having a routine helps them “make the most of every hour. She says, “I know about what time he will be home each week, so I will be there to greet him and have made it part of my routine.” She says the couple also makes a practice of having a once a month date night or date day.

Love the Man Who Loves His Work

It might be easy for a woman to be angry or resentful when her husband is gone from her so much of the time. However, we didn’t find a shred of bitterness or self-pity from these “women of steel.” Perhaps Alika summed it up best. “I have been asked time and time again why does he leave me home alone while he stays out on the road all the time. The answer is simple. He has his dream job and I would never take him from that, at least not unless I am completely handicapped where I cannot do anything on my own. I know not many people nowadays get that opportunity. He is one of the lucky few able to achieve his dream before he is too old to do anything at all. I am proud of him and will stick by him through this adventure of life. We will always talk and keep in touch with each other no matter what part of the USA he is at the time.”

"We Bonded in the Kitchen" -- Springfield Dad, Chad Carleton

Not every stepfather is so lucky. Chad Carleton admits he’s a blessed man, but he thinks some of the magic may have begun in the kitchen. “We bonded,” he said, “when we started cooking together.”

Chad got to know Jewel, his step-daughter, when he started dating Emily, her mother. She was 12 when they married; today’s she almost 16. Any parent will tell you, the pre-teen and teenage stages are not always easy. For step-parents they can be particularly difficult. It takes time to get to know each other, to learn what to expect. The biological parent, who has been around since birth, usually has an edge. That’s why Chad so values his relationship with Jewel as they work side-by-side in the kitchen, preparing meals for the family. He sees it as an opportunity to build their relationship and enjoy time together. He sees it as “incredibly rewarding” to be a positive, significant role model in a child’s life.

Chad is very candid about the importance of being intentional about the relationship with a potential stepchild. He insists, “Any man pursuing a woman with children should recognize the significance of the children out of the gate. You can’t come and go out of a woman’s life because it has a dramatic effect on the children.”

Chad explains, “I knew I wanted to be with my wife and I knew she had a child, so we were very intentional about me building that relationship. Over time it became less intimidating and it didn’t take long before I wanted another (child).” That child is their eight-month-old daughter, Isla, who loves to wheel her walker close to her parents and big sister when they gather in the kitchen.

Working together is especially important because Chad and Emily are co-owner of Everything Kitchens, a primarily on-line store for almost anything a person might want in his or her kitchen. Chad credits his wife with the store’s success and praises her ability. Given that Chad grew up in a family of all boys and admits to having very little experience with the female perspective, his understanding of how to be important in the lives of the females in his life if commendable. Though he’s young, we could all learn a lot from dads like Chad.

Are Truck Drivers Romantic? -- Wisdom for Prime Good Dad Thomas Miller

Are truck drivers romantic? That is what we asked Thomas Miller when we talked with him a few days before Valentine’s Day.

He assured us, “I am a romantic truck driver,” but gave much of the credit to his wife, Misty, and their two daughters – Mackenzie (17) and Kylie (26) for keeping him on the right path.

Thomas must know something about romance because he has been married more than 25 years to Misty and driving over-the-road at the same time. He started driving three months after his oldest daughter’s birth 26 years ago. He has been driving for Prime Inc. the last 20 years.

“I have a couple of well-rounded kids,” he says with pride. “The oldest attended college on an academic scholarship. The second is still in high school. They’re both good kids.”

“Excited Conversations”

“It takes an incredibly strong woman to raise two kids, essentially alone,” he remarked about his wife, Misty. At the same time, Thomas says he believes the secret to their strong relationship lies with “constant communication.” Calling, texting, emailing and using FaceTime are all part of their routine.

“What happens when the two of you disagree?” we wondered, knowing some people avoid uncomfortable conversations or areas of conflict when they have so little time physically together. Unfortunately, this strategy of avoidance is not usually healthy for relationships and can create resentment and erode good feelings over time.

Thomas assured us he and Misty sometimes do have “excited conversations.” “If things heat up too much,” he said, “we wait until I can pull the truck over because she doesn’t want me driving when I’m upset. Likewise, I would not interrupt her day as a teacher to discuss a disagreement. We don’t put it off for days, weeks, or months at a time because that’s a disaster.”

“The number one thing is that Misty keeps me informed. Sometimes she burns up the phone with FaceTime. Being apart can be tough on a marriage. It takes a lot of teamwork.”

Words of Advice to Would-Be Romantic Drivers

A lot has changed in the last 25 years to help drivers stay more connected with those they love. Here are some specific suggestions from Thomas Miller:

Communicate, communicate, communicate – use every means you can to stay in touch.

When you go home spend as much time as possible with your wife and children. Thomas emphasizes what his wife wants most is one-on-one alone time with him, e.g. dinner together and maybe a movie.

Do not forget your daughters on Valentine’s Day!

Do things you enjoy together when you are home. Thomas and Misty enjoy riding motorcycles and love going for a ride together whenever possible.

Get to know your partner and what makes her happy. She may not be the hearts, flowers and chocolate kind of woman.

When we signed off Thomas was heading off on an adventure with his 17-year-old daughter. He again emphasized the importance of giving time to people you love. “No amount of money will replace your presence with them.”

Gaming Guidelines: Part 2 -- Joel Hunter, School Counselor and Game Player

In this blog, Joel continues to explain many helpful things about gaming which he began in last week's blog. For a refresh or review, see the blog post associated with March 7, 2019.

Which leads me to my next topic Fortnite. One of the reasons that Fortnite (a first person shooter) is so popular is because of the social aspect it has incorporated. Both kids and adults are getting online and playing with their friends in groups with the sole purpose of beating everyone else in the world. One other reason that Fortnite is so popular is because you can play it on just about any device that has an app or can download a game. Kids and adults are playing Fortnite on everything from their phone to their PlayStation or X-box. Fortnite has built on the success of other franchises such as Call of Duty and Halo which incorporated a social aspect into their online play modes. They give players the ability to customize their characters and even do silly dances after defeating an enemy. The developers are constantly changing the game so that it keeps the interest of their customers and their work is paying off. Last year Fortnite grossed 3 billion (yes that’s right BILLION) in profits. You can buy Fortnite shirts and backpacks both in the store and online. It is quite literally a billion-dollar brand which is staggering considering that the game has not been out for more than a couple of years.

For my last topic (Spring Break) I am going to leave you with what I hope are a few helpful tips and or reminders. The first is this, when it comes to kids and gaming the two are drawn to each other. Most kids do not have the developmental capacity to set healthy limits for themselves when it comes to forms of entertainment such as video games. They need you to lovingly help them to know and understand what is both healthy and helpful. If you are not sure, do a little research or ask your child’s School Counselor. I can personally guarantee you that they have answered that question before and should be able to suggest some good articles or books on the topic.

Second, as spring break approaches start setting expectations now for what healthy limits look like for both video game and media consumption in general. Research some activities that you would be comfortable with them doing over spring break and give them some options ahead of time.

 Third, for your sake and the sake of their teachers force them to get some physical exercise somewhere (gym, park, backyard, etc.). Unstructured time doing some sort of physical activity is important for both their mental and physical health. Ask any teacher who has taught for more than a week and they will gladly share with you the benefits they have seen when kids can get out and play.

Lastly, whether it is playing video games with your kids, taking them on a walk, a hike or even a trip to the mall. Spend some quality time with your kids. There is absolutely nothing that can serve as an adequate substitute for the love of and time with a parent. If you want your kids to be successful in life there is a mountain of research I can show you that says a loving, secure relationship with their parent or guardian is the most important factor. It doesn’t matter whether or not you understand the game they want you to play with them or activity they want you to do. The time and connection you build during those games and activities is what will make the most difference.

Good Dads Take Care of Their Health

Photo by Anna Pelzer

In May 2013 Sean Murphy watched Forks over Knives and made a decision. He would no longer eat meat, fish, poultry or any other animal products. In short, he would become vegan. Many people go from eating meat and fish to becoming vegetarian, but Sean decided to go all the way in one swift step. It is something he has stuck with to this day, so much so his handle is now “Tofu.” (Tofu is a plant-based food made from soy beans; it is often substituted for meat in a vegan diet.)

Becoming vegan is understandably challenging for the average person, but for Sean it proved even more difficult because he works as an over-the-road driver. Sean earned his CDL in 2010 and worked in the transportation industry for a few years before he joined Steelman Transportation, a flatbed transportation company, in August 2016.  He lives in upstate New York and typically drives the “Steelman triangle” from Boston to Chicago to Texas and back.

Given his occupation, Sean is wise to think about his health. According to research about the health of long-haul trucker drivers published in the American Journal of Industrial Medicine, maintaining a healthy lifestyle as a over-the-road driver can be particularly challenging. The study revealed that over two-thirds of respondents were obese (69%) and 17% were morbidly obese. In contrast, only one-third of U.S. working adults were reported to be obese and 7% morbidly obese. Obesity is a concern because it increases the chance for type 2 diabetes, sleep apnea, heart disease, cancer, joint and back pain, and stroke.

The survey also revealed that more than half of long-haul truck drivers were current cigarette smokers —over twice the general working population (51% vs. 19%). Smoking increases the chance for heart disease, type 2 diabetes, stroke, and cancer. Although most drivers averaged over 6 hours of sleep per 24-hr period, 27% of drivers averaged 6 hours or less of sleep compared to 30% of working adults. . . .

More than half of long-haul truck drivers reported having two or more of these health conditions or unhealthy behaviors: high blood pressure, obesity, smoking, limited physical activity, high cholesterol, or fewer than 6 hours of sleep. These factors increase the chance of developing preventable, long-lasting diseases.

https://blogs.cdc.gov/niosh-science-blog/2015/03/03/truck-driver-health/

Good Dads believes being a “good dad” includes caring for one’s self in order to set a good example for other family members and live long enough to enjoy children and grandchildren. Sean stuck with the dietary changes he began in 2013 and started to notice the difference. He developed “increased energy and great blood work.” Propelled by his success, he joined a gym in 2018 and started working out. More recently he also gave up smoking when his 15-year-old daughter, Kyra, agreed to become vegan if he would quit.

Sean’s family, which includes his wife, Frederica, a daughter, Kyra (15) and a son, Devin (4), are very important to him. For this reason, he does his best to take care of himself and spend every other weekend at home.  He encourages drivers to use the best time management skills possible to help them stay connected with their loved ones. He also credits dispatcher at Steelman for caring about him and his family. Driving for a company that cares about your family, using every technological advantage you can and managing your time—all these help Sean “Tofu” Murphy be the best dad and driver he can be.

Sean can be reached for question or comment at thevegantrucker@gmail.com

When Co-Parenting is Difficult -- Dr. Jennifer Baker -- Founder & Director of Good Dads

 Photo by Caroline Hernandez 

Our Good Dads podcast recently received feedback from a listener who wondered about how a dad could be engaged in his child’s life when the child’s mother, with whom he is no longer on good terms, makes it extremely difficult for him to do so. Sadly, there are many dads dealing with this heart-breaking concern. We frequently hear stories from men in our New Pathways program about this issue. Their feelings of frustration and powerlessness are understandable.

For more than two decades I’ve also heard stories of parental alienation from men and women in therapy. It’s one of the reasons I started Good Dads. Here are some considerations I typically share with my clients and other men associated with Good Dads.

  Photo by Aswin

1)  Take the long-term view. This situation will require considerable patience. It will not be over quickly. It is essential you view the actions you are taking each and every day as moving you even a little bit at a time in the right direction. One dad recently said to me, "We didn't get here overnight. I know I need to be patient." 

2)  Act with dignity and respect. You never move yourself closer to your chosen goal by behaving in angry and aggressive ways intended to intimidate or negatively impact your ex-partner and, as a result, your child. I'm not saying it's easy. I'm not saying the other party deserves it. I'm saying your child benefits when you do this and that is the most important thing.

3  Do remember your child with notes, cards, and occasional gifts even when you can't be together.  Our New Pathways dads make Christmas cards, valentines, birthday cards, etc. and put them in a box they will someday be able to share with their child even if they don't have contact at this moment. What children want to know is, "Is my dad thinking about me?" This box, filled with evidence from over the months or years, can go a long way toward healing a relationship as an adult.

Photo by Kelli McClintock

4  Your child will never thank you for speaking badly of the other parent. Again, it may be true. They may deserve it, but that is the only (in this case) mother the child is ever going to have. Let your child draw his or her own conclusions, which they will do over time.

5  As they become teens or young adults, children are often quite bitter and resentful toward one parent who tried to turn them against the other.  This is encouragement for you to "hold on" and also not reciprocate with negative, caustic words of your own.

6   Pay child support. If this is an issue, always pay something, even if you can't pay everything. Consult with Child Support Enforcement. Through their New Pathways program, Good Dads has a special assistance for dads struggling in this area.

7   Do seek legal help for issues that cannot be resolved with time and patience. Also expect the legal option to take time and money. Nothing moves quickly through the courts.

8  Seek supportive relationships, i.e., other people who will encourage you, not just attempt to bring you down. The "ain't it awful" approach rarely moves anyone forward.)

  

9  Consider using mediation. MARCH (Mediation Achieving Results for Children) is a private, not-for-profit corporation governed by a board made up of representatives from participating judicial circuits, mainly mediators. Other members include a state legislator, judges, a family court commissioner, representatives from the Missouri Family Support Division, and a member of the Family Law Section of the Missouri Bar. Board and Advisory Committee members share a common goal in promoting mediation as a first alternative to be utilized by separated families in the dispute resolution process.

In addition to serving as the Executive Director of Good Dads, Dr. Baker is also in private practice as a clinical psychologist specializing in work with couples and families. Questions ore comments may be addressed to Dr. Baker at jennifer@gooddads.com

Gaming, Good Dads & Fortnight (Part1) - Joel Hunter, School Counselor and Game Player

For this blog post I was asked to write about Spring break, gaming and Fortnite. When I saw the topic(s) my first thought was that the academic in me could easily write a 10-page paper on each of those topics and still probably not do any of them justice. That said, I am a proud child of the 80’s and 90’s. I grew up during a time when most homes where lucky to have a TV and a VCR. Video games were something extra that not everyone had. Nowadays video game systems or platforms seem to be as common place as having a TV or a Cell Phone. I actually have three systems myself (PlayStation 4, Nintendo Wii & Nintendo Switch). When I sit back and think about how far video game systems have come from when I was a kid it seems crazy. 

 As a School Counselor I typically encounter two kinds of parents. 

The first is the parent who is completely clueless about video games in general and gaming culture specifically. The other kind of parent is the kind that is as excited (sometimes more) as their kids every time a new system or series of games is released. I am going to attempt to write this post so that there is something helpful for parents in both categories. 

 For parents in the first category who know little or nothing about video games and or gaming culture here are a few basics to get you started. First, there is such a thing as gaming culture. Over the years as gaming systems have become more powerful and even more complex a subculture has developed around video games and game systems. Some people are die hard fans of specific systems also known as platforms (X-box, PlayStation, Nintendo are the big three) and some are die hard fans of specific franchises (yes I said franchises) such as Call of Duty, Halo, Final Fantasy, etc.

Second, two of the most popular genres in gaming are First Person Shooter - a type of video game whose game play involves shooting enemies and other targets and in which a player views the action as though through the eyes of the character they are controlling. Halo, Call of Duty and Fortnite all fall into this category although there are hundreds if not thousands of other titles that also fit into that category.

The other genre that is as popular is Role Playing Games also referred to as RPGs – these are games in which players take on the roles of imaginary characters who engage in adventures, typically in a particular computerized fantasy setting overseen by a referee. Final Fantasy and Zelda are two of the most popular titles in this genre.

Third, every video game that comes out will have a rating assigned to it. These ratings are similar to movie ratings in that they are designed specifically to help parents decide whether or not it is appropriate for their child or children to play. If you would like to know about a specific game you can also look up reviews on sites such as Common Sense Media to get more detailed information beyond just the rating.

Fourth, with advancements in technology and gaming, specifically online gaming, parents need to closely monitor not just what games their children are playing but who they are playing and or communicating with (especially if they are engaging in online gaming). One of the most frequently used tools by child predators these days is video games. 

Fifth, online gaming has become one of the primary ways in which kids are socializing these days. It is becoming increasingly common for kids to develop their social life around not just playing video games but playing specific types of video games. These days even sports games such as NBA2K2019 and Madden 2019 are or at least can be played online. So even if your child is really into sports chances are he or she is playing online with their friends when they aren’t with each other in person.  

Check in next week for Part 2 where Joel gives specific suggestions for healthy gaming options with kids.

Kids in the Kitchen

It’s hard to believe, but just ten years ago, I was a fast food, frozen pizza eating bachelor. I rarely did any real cooking of any kind. When I met my future wife, Emily, I quickly fell in love with her two children, and her cooking. For the first five years of our marriage, She did 95% of the cooking and baking for our family of five, after our youngest was born in 2011. 

 

Our oldest, Leah, who is now 15, would enjoy helping her Mother bake at a young age. Alex, now 14, had no interest in being in the kitchen, while Herbie, now eight, was always sneaking into the pantry to find snacks. 

In 2015, my wife was in a serious car accident. She was hospitalized for four months while recovering from a traumatic brain injury. I quickly became the head chef in the Cody household. This also meant that my two oldest, Alex and Leah, had to learn a few things in the kitchen as well. I had to lean on them to take care of some lunches and dinners as I was constantly back and forth to the hospital to see Emily. 

Once Em was released to come home to be with us, she also needed to re-learn a lot of the daily things she used to do with ease. On the weekends, we would cook breakfast and dinners as a family. This was great for her TBI recovery, while the kids also learned how to cook more than a hot dog and frozen pizzas. 

Last July, I broke my leg a couple weeks after Leah tore her ACL. We had surgical procedures two days apart from each other. Leah was down for a month, while I was bed ridden for a couple months. While we had a lot of friends and family bring us dinners, Emily and the boys were in charge of breakfasts and lunches, and did a fantastic job taking care of us. 

It is definitely never too early to get the kids in the kitchen, so they may learn the basics. If they enjoy it, they will want to learn more as they get older. 

Herb Cody is a husband and father of three. He is a part time Uber driver and full time caregiver  of his spouse, who suffered a traumatic brain injury after an auto accident November, 2015. Herb loves football and is a St Louis Cardinals fanatic. He and his family live in Nixa MO. Herb can be reached for questions or comments at herbie05@yahoo.com

You can check out Herb's own blog at,  www.thecodylife.weebly.com

Cooking with Kids -- Start Early!

“They could crack an egg by themselves when they were two.” 

That’s how Paul Allen proudly describes the cooking ability of his daughters, Norah (8) and Azrah (6).

It’s clear Paul believes in getting his offspring started early.

Paul is a world class chef, having cooked his way around the world on yachts owned by the rich and famous. He trained at The Culinary Institute of America and is a former Ritz-Carlton chef. There's no question that he knows his way around a kitchen. 

These days, though, Paul makes his home in Springfield, Missouri where he focuses his energies on Farm 2 Counter, a business providing fresh, homegrown food on a weekly basis to persons living in 13 cities in southwest Missouri. Every Friday customers receive a small, medium or larger personalized delivery of locally grown or locally produced meat, dairy products, fruits and vegetables.

“You usually can’t taste the difference between organic and non-organic food, but you can tell when something is fresh and in season from something similar you might buy at the store.” And, Paul insists, fresh foods make all the difference as the basis for a good meal. It’s something he learned scouring local food sources in various ports of call in faraway places.

“Whenever the ship docked,” he explained, “I always made a point of going on shore and exploring the fruits and vegetables grown there.”

Today, cooking is a family affair. When Paul’s wife, Ashley isn’t caring for Lilly, their eight-month-old daughter, she cooks as well. In fact, these days the entire family often gathers in the kitchen spending time with the people they love most, making a meal they can enjoy together.

She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy -- A Love Story about Good Dads Board Member, Robert Hawkins

Robert Hawkins has been a cattleman for as long as he can remember--his entire life actually. He grew up on a farm and when his father died suddenly while Robert was still a teenager, he carried on the operation with his brother until he was old enough to run the farm on his own. Robert is also in the construction business, but for the purposes of this article, we focused on his skills as a cattleman. 

Raising cattle is a long-term commitment. I know because I grew up on a farm and have some personal experience with what is required when your livelihood depends on how the livestock are doing. It strikes me that there are certain characteristics that define a successful farmer that may be common to a great relationship. I asked Robert, "What do you think a cattleman requires? What kind of person does he need to be?"

Take the Long-Term View. The first thing Robert mentioned was patience. He said, "If you don’t make any big mistakes, things usually get better in the long run. You need to be a long-term planner." Robert certainly took his own advice when he met and married Kim. They first met when she was a "skinny little 12-year-old" and he was a teen five years older. "We teased her and made fun of her then," he said, but later on he clearly changed his mind. The two of them have been a couple for 30 years and married for 24.

"You’re going to have a bad day, month, or year every once in a while," he remarked, "I only plan on making a profit 3 out of 5 years." 

Now there's some great advice for a good relationship. Take your time. Be patient. Let things work themselves out. I wonder what a difference it would make if we applied the 3/5 ratio to our marriages. Of course we want it to be sunshine and roses every day, but that's just not realistic. There are those moments, those days, and sometimes even longer when it's necessary to take the long-term view in life and love. Cattlemen know this. We do well to remember it too.

A compatible partner is key. "It’s hard to survive without a good partner. In farming, she’s not just my wife, she’s a vested partner, a hired hand, and more. We each have multiple roles." With this statement, Robert clearly demonstrates his understanding of the importance of "making the right choice," i.e., taking the time to find a compatible person who shares the same interests. Robert loves farming and he loves Kim all the more because she does too. Had he not chosen carefully, the two of them might be miserable. Even so, sharing this love would not be enough if either of them were tied into rigid role expectations. Allowing Kim the freedom to do a number of things and fulfill a variety of roles is key to their happiness.

Have similar values. It's one thing to love the idea of country life. It's quite another to actually live it. According to Robert, this is the utmost in importance. He related a recent icy weekend when they had seven calves born during an ice storm. "We were both up until midnight—wet, cold and exhausted—and just happy as could be that we didn't lose any calves. And then, we still had to get up and go to work the next day." 

"I think it was one of the moments when you realize you married the right woman--when she milks a wild cow to help a baby calf survive. . . . Kim was a city girl who always wanted to be a country girl. The first time I had to help a fallen calf I knew I had struck gold, because she had afterbirth up to her armpits and was as happy as a clam.”

I wish more couples would give the significance of shared values serious consideration when they are contemplating marriage. Share the same interests and values and you have, as Robert says, "struck gold." It's not enough to find each other fun and attractive. It's much more important that you embrace the same values and beliefs. That's infinitely more likely to get you through a lot of cold and snowy nights out in the barn-- or other difficult places where couples might find themselves.

Good Stock:  A good cattleman looks for the proper genetic characteristics. Robert has approximately 100 head herd of the Beefmaster breed. This particular breed was developed by a Texas rancher who combined the Shorthorn, Hereford and Brahman breeds to get the characteristics of cattle that do well in cold winters and the hot, humid summers of Texas, Oklahoma and Missouri. In a similar way, if you want someone who will share similar interests and values, it's important to look for "good stock," i.e., someone with strong character and good family values. 

Robert agrees. "This makes a big difference when you raise children together. We could have sold our farm years ago, but we could not think of a better environment in which to raise our sons. We have raised three very responsible and well-adjusted young men."

At the same time, this doesn't mean that Robert and Kim think of and react to the world in exactly the same way. "Kim is a super-sensitive lover of life and she has a very hard time accepting the death of an animal. I’m an old callous cowboy with the idea that 'things die.' She thinks I’m insensitive at times. When we lose an animal, she takes it hard. We approach things differently. I need to remember this."

I love the way these two think. Perhaps that's why they've been such good hosts and role models for other couples--young and old. Together they bring a measure of tenderness and toughness that makes them hard to resist.

In summing up what he knows about farming and relationships, Robert had a few closing thoughts. "Learn to pick your battles," he said, "in business, farming, and relationships. I don’t fight every situation. On a farm, there’s always so much work to do that you have to choose what matters most, like good fences, the health of your cattle and so on. You deal with weeds, rocks, etc. later. We’re very open. We’re not afraid to talk. We bring it out. There’s no skeletons. We concentrate on what is key to success in life and love and get to the rest when we can."

I knew I liked Robert the first time I met him. Now I know why. He has a great handle on what's important in life and how to keep the main thing, the main thing. Plus, he married a wonderful woman.

Call me grateful for two terrific role models,

Dr. Jennifer L. Baker