Teaching Healthy Habits: Sometimes It's a Messy Job

One morning I had to accept that teaching 4-year-old twin boys how to brush their teeth was both harder and more time consuming than training for the Springfield Bass Pro Marathon.  Dried spit caked on both sides of the sink where they didn’t rinse like I told them and spots of toothpaste “spray” covered the mirror since they didn’t close their mouths when brushing.

It was a hassle!  It was messy!  And yet, my sons had to learn to brush their teeth.  My wife and I drew a line in the sand and said, “This is going to happen!” 

Role Modeling Doesn’t Always Work

Maybe you have the 1 in 1000 kid who likes to brush his or her teeth and does it perfectly.  If so, awesome!  For the rest of us, it’s clear there are some habits like teeth brushing that aren’t going to happen when the kids simply observe Dad’s behaviors.  They ignore our frantic brushing and go on reading or playing.  I have to demand they brush their teeth, or they simply won’t do it. 

Taking a bath, for instance – water, water, everywhere!  I ask my older son, “Were you trying to turn the shower into a Slip ‘n Slide?”  Bathing is one healthy habit that has to be described and demonstrated by engaging the child, rather than me performing the behavior in front of him or her.  I can tell them I do shower, shave, and clean up especially after exercise or a hot day.  They can hear the shower water running and observe the steam when I open the bathroom door after finishing.  As they get older, I have to trust that when I hear the water running and observe the steam when they open the door that they too have done everything correctly as I told them.  Then I hand them a towel to mop up the floor.

Perfect Practice--The Art of Correction

“Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it,” is from the Book of Proverbs.  I’ve always understood this phrase to mean my children will do whatever they are trained to do, good or bad, and when they are older they will keep doing it.  That’s good if the behaviors are positive, but there’s no guarantee that everything they do will be a healthy habit.  Correction is often necessary.

It’s not enough to do something over and over wrong and hope it gets better.  A good band director or coach will tell the group, “Try it again but go slower this time; move this way instead of that; take the music pages or playbook home tonight and study it.”  The old saying, “Practice makes perfect” should be tweaked to say, “Practice makes PERMANENT.” 

Some may think it is old-fashioned to say that a Dad is “head of the house.”  But I believe that title means no one else owns that privilege of correcting children’s behavior like we do.  It’s our duty to correct when needed--not the teacher, the school principal, the band director, or the sports coach.  These professionals are on our team to assist, but they don’t replace us as the head of the family.

Winning with a spouse and family team

My wife is my partner, so whenever we decide it’s time for our kids to do something, we back each other up and help ensure it gets done.  Even when it’s something simple like going to bed at our established bedtime we have a plan in place and agree that the task has to be done on time. There’s no point setting boundaries for children if they know they can go behind Dad’s back and have Mom excuse them.  Also, it’s confusing when Mom says, “No” and Dad undermines her saying, “Well, maybe.”  Good communication with my spouse heads off a lot of problems, and being ready to “tag in” when my partner is at her wit’s end keeps her from going crazy. 

Not every family is blessed to have both a father and mother in the home.  In this case, it’s key to ensure that family members and friends—even dear-hearted grand parents—don’t over-rule Dad’s wishes by letting grandkids get away with not staying inside the boundaries we establish. I’m not talking about occasionally staying up an hour past normal bedtime when bunking over at Papa and Nana’s house here.  We want to make sure everyone is informed and respectful of the rules we’ve established for our kids.  That’s why they are our kids and not someone else’s.

Asking for Help

I encourage my kids to join me exercising as I jog, bicycle, and swim.  That’s the level of my skill.  If they want to get their exercise through basketball, football, or any sport involving a ball, I’ll have to hire a coach.  Not all of us Dads are skilled enough to train our children by example in every activity.  That’s okay; there are many good people who can help.  It’s very loving for a Dad to admit his limitations and go find a proper teacher.

Task-Master or Role-Model? Sometimes both!

If I want my sons to brush their teeth, I may have to force them and clean up a lot until they learn how and why it’s important.  If I want my daughter to stop fiddling around on her phone at the dinner table, I must put mine away and make family meal time an “electronic device free zone” for 30 minutes every day, no excuses.  We Dads own these tasks, and it’s a solemn and delightful privilege to shape a child into the person he or she will be.  Asking for help when needed is wise and courageous.  So is standing up to those who try to derail your plan, even if it’s with good intentions.  We’re all in this together, so if I can be an encouragement, let me know!

Sid Whiting is the father of three and the husband of one. He lives with his wife Gail and their children in Springfield, Missouri. He also enjoys real estate investing, serving in the 135th Army Band as a percussionist and bass guitarist, and plays in the Praise Band "Soul Purpose" and the "Hallelujah Bells" hand bell choir.  He can be reached for comment or question at sid.whiting75@gmail.com or on Facebook (www.facebook.com/WiseSteward).

The Coach's Playbook: Teaching Health Habits

The best athletes have a coach.  Peyton Manning, Jordan Speith, and LeBron James all have a coach.  Children need and benefit from coaches, too.      

A good coach can see what the athlete can’t.   He guides, directs, and even corrects behaviors and attitudes that hinder his athlete and the success of the team.  A good coach inspires and motivates his athlete when the athlete is tired and not doing his best. 

A good Dad is a good coach.  A good Dad can see what his children can’t.  He can share from his life experiences and what he has learned along the way.  He can guide, direct, and even correct behaviors and attitudes that hinder his children and others.  A good Dad motivates and inspires his children when they are tired and struggling. 

I used to coach my children’s soccer, hockey teams, and track teams.  I’ve put away my whistle and clip board.  But I continue to coach them in life.    

Coaching takes lots of time and lots of practice.  Achievements do not happen overnight and great athletes will tell you there are more failures than success.  Baseball great Babe Ruth once held lifetime records for home runs at 714 -- and strike outs at 1,330!  

Good Dads coach their children to handle defeat with grace and humility.  I was a good wrestler in high school and was hoping for an undefeated season.  But one night I lost.  I threw my headgear and stormed into the locker room without shaking my opponent’s hand.  My coach made me pick up my head gear, walk back to the mat, and shake my opponent’s hand.  I am grateful to my coach for teaching me how to handle defeat –- a lesson I’ve not mastered yet but continue to learn.

   

Like any coach I have good seasons and not so good seasons.  I want to keep learning and I am asking you for help.  Pro athletes have coaches.  Dads need coaches, too.  We all benefit from each other and someone to help us keep our head in the game.

Here is a look at my playbook.  Perhaps some of these plays would work for you.  Perhaps you would share some of your plays with me?  We Dads are all in this together.

  

Coach Sippy’s Parenting Playbook  

I     1.   I am here to coach you, help you, and cheer you. 

.     2.   I am completely committed to your health and success.

      3.   Do not hurt yourself and do not hurt others (see sub-chapter on dating, alcohol, and “doing stupid things”).

      4.   Be confident in yourself and hopeful in life

      5.   Be forgiving and accepting of yourself and others.

      6.   Be friendly and polite.  Greet others before they greet you. 

      7.   Be generous and put the needs of others before your own

      8.   Respect and support your teachers, coaches, employers, and government.

      9.   Do not be critical or judgmental of others.

    10.  Be happy, hopeful, and adventurous.  Fulfill your dreams.

     Jeff Sippy, Dad in training, continues to coach his sons and his congregation in living and loving life. He and his wife, Cindy, reside in Springfield, Missouri where he serves as Senior Pastor for Redeemer Lutheran Church. He can be reached for question or comment at jsippy@rlcmail.org.

It's MINE!

What parent hasn’t heard those words?  A red-faced child plants both feet firmly, sticks out the lower lip, and what can charitably be called a “hissy fit” erupts.  Ownership is at stake!

As children we are not natural givers.  We see something we like, and we grab it.  Then we chew on it.  Our parents tell us not to chew on it because it may be dangerous or the item belongs to someone who doesn’t appreciate toddler spit.  Gradually, somewhat reluctantly, we learn to keep our hands to ourselves and ask for something before grabbing it. 

Time passes. Siblings, cousins, and schoolmates enter the picture.  These people want our stuff sometimes, and we aren’t always ready to share.  Why should a child share something that’s “MINE!”?

It’s not ours

Children don’t own stuff.  From a legal perspective, only adults own stuff.  Certainly, we give our children toys, clothing, food, a warm bed to sleep in, but nothing is “theirs” except by the grace we parents extend to them.  They cannot provide these things for themselves, so any ownership a child attempts to claim comes with a reminder, “and where did that come from?” 

As Christian parents, my wife and I believe all our financial resources come from God our Father, and we are caretakers of his blessings.  The old English word “stewardship” shows us the things we have are just passing through our hands to be used, enjoyed, and shared.  We demonstrate this belief to our kids when we let them participate in our sharing.

Teaching to share begins with sharing

A wise parent said, “With children, more is caught than taught.”  Kids watch us.  They imitate us.  If we smile at a baby, the baby smiles back.  If we yell, they yell.  If we spend all evening on our electronic devices, we shouldn’t be surprised when they ignore us and hang out on social media.  Likewise, the way we teach our kids to share is to let them see how we share.

My 9-year-olds sons and 5-year-old daughter help make sharing decisions in the monthly family budgeting process.  There are two line items on our budget for giving: our local church and local charities.  Each month when it’s time to review the budget, we ask our kids about whom they think we should help.  There are several charities we support regularly, and the kids understand we cannot give to each group as much as we would like.  We have to choose where to give this month and what has to wait until next month.  Sometimes we make choices that mean we don’t get to do something we’d like to do so someone else can have what they need.  It’s a powerful day when your child says, “We don’t need to go see that movie.  I think more kids need shoes.”

Christmas time

Our kids still believe in Santa, but they also know “extra” gifts come from us.  This year we chose an ornament from our church’s angel tree for a boy named Seth.  Seth is 9 years old, the same age as my sons.  Unfortunately, there is no one in his family to give those “extra” gifts.  I took my boys out shopping one weekend and they helped pick out a coat, gloves, a warm hat, and snow boots, and also five nice toys so that Seth can have what he needs and some of what he wants for Christmas.  My boys took this task very seriously, strolling up and down the aisles and picking clothing and toys out.  We set a budget and stuck to it, taking care of the clothing needs first, then we moved on to the toys.  Kids have to know resources are finite: parents aren’t money trees.  This wisdom doesn’t come from reading an article or a hearing a one-time lecture.  It comes from repeated experience, much like an athlete who trains many hours to perfect a single skill.  I believe my sons showed this wisdom because we taught them the basics of giving each month.

Wrapping up an article and a gift

Do you want your children to be generous?  Let them see you being generous often!  Do you want your children to be giving?  Involve them in your giving regularly.  Merry Christmas!

Sid Whiting is the father of three and the husband of one. He lives with his wife Gail and their children in Springfield, Missouri where he worships at Redeemer Lutheran Church. He also enjoys real estate investing, serving in the 135th Army Band as a percussionist and bass guitarist, and plays in the Praise Band "Soul Purpose" and the "Hallelujah Bells" hand bell choir.  He can be reached for comment or question at sid.whiting75@gmail.com or on Facebook (www.facebook.com/WiseSteward).

The Value of Steady Service

A wise man once told me, “…what you practice in moderation, your children will excuse in excess.”

That’s a profound declaration, and if we conduct an honest assessment, we will find that it is an unswerving truth.  Yet, when you hear a statement like that, it typically leans to the negative. For instance, Dad slips and cusses in front of the kids, just one time, and soon the teenage son justifies a constant stream of profanity.

But, what about the positives?

It’s no shocking revelation that as dads, we will slip-up, and quite often, in front of our kids. But, they are not just observing the failures, they also are witnessing the good. When they see you consistently take the shopping cart back, when you open the door for an elderly person, when you thank a soldier for his or her service, when they see you live, “I love you” to your spouse…it makes an impact.

When my boys were young, our family volunteered to serve Thanksgiving meals to those who were homeless, or simply without family, for the holiday. My wife and I helped set out chairs, clean tables, run food to and from the kitchen, and chatted with those we were serving.  Our sons carried desserts to the seated guests of honor and carted trash to the bins. At one point, we couldn’t find our youngest son. Of our three children, he was the busiest, and quite often the orneriest. When household chores, or homework beckoned, he was the first to disappear. I immediately caught myself thinking, “That kid. He has no desire to help or serve others. He’s all about himself.”

After consulting with my wife, we went opposite directions in the large dining hall, searching for our six-year-old, wayward charge. Imagine my surprise, and conviction, when I spied him . . . sitting across from an elderly gentleman, laughing and talking a mile a minute. The old man’s eyes gleamed, and I was thankful that in a sea of parenting failures, I was witnessing a win. Even if it was small. Even if it was just for a moment.

I am not a perfect example. I can see the worst and the best of myself in my now-grown sons. But, one thing that is consistently remarked of them, is that they all are servants; two of them serving in the military and our oldest in ministry. And when any of us care, love and serve others, it seems to more than balance out our flaws.

I am reminded of the following: “Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins.” I Peter 4:8.

In the very real and rewarding struggle we call “parenting,” especially “DAD” parenting, I am immensely grateful for the “coverage.” As I am still challenged to serve, may you be, as well. Don’t underestimate your example because your kids will benefit from your service. They are watching. Give them something positive to emulate. You won’t always be perfect, but you can strive to be steady.   

Kevin Weaver, CEO of Network211, father of three sons, lives with his wife KyAnne in Springfield, MO. He enjoys spending time with family, hunting and watching University of Kansas basketball with his boys! He can be reached at kweaver@network211.com.

Building Generous Children

Will you help me?  I want to raise generous children -- and not just at Christmas.  I want to raise children who think more of others than of themselves all the time and all year long.  I want to raise children who are not selfish or entitled.  I want to raise children who pitch in and help out, who volunteer when asked – and even when they are not asked.  I want to raise generous children.  And not just at Christmas.

When we lived in Cape Girardeau, MO we had an unfinished basement.  I mentioned to a guy I knew that I wanted to finish the basement.  I said it in passing.  One week later there were eight good old boys from Southeast Missouri tromping down the side yard of our house to the basement door.  They had hammers in hand, tool belts, and tape measures.  They had lips bursting with chewing tobacco and a steely look of determination.  These men were here to help.  They stormed through the door like men on a mission.  It’s what men do.       

Indeed.  Men help men.  Men help men build basements.  Men help men build their families.  It’s what men do.

The basement turned out beautiful.  These men took pride in their work and teaching me to do what I didn’t know how to do.   They mentored me.   They invested in me.   They reminded me that the basement I was building was for my family.    

I hate chewing tobacco.  I haven’t tried it since.  But I love those men.  They taught me about carpentry – something I knew nothing about.  I didn’t know what I was doing and they didn’t care.  They let me get in the way.  They were there to help.  They were generous.     

Every one of us needs help. Every one of us needs the kind generosity of someone else pitching in and helping out.   I need help.  You need help, too.  It’s not easy finishing a basement.  It’s not easy being a Dad, either.  Both are easier when we do it together.        

We may not always know what we are doing.  I don’t.  I’m not a very good carpenter and I am not always a very good Dad either.  I’m sometimes a little hard hearted and a little thinned skinned.  I’m not always so generous.  I don’t always put the needs of others before my own.  Sometimes I’m just looking out for me.   This is why I need you.  This is why we need each other.  I need someone to say, Hammer and Nails or not, this is for our families.    

So make it a point to make a difference.  You are a Dad.  You are a GREAT DAD.  I learn from you – and our children are learning from all of us.  Put the needs of others before your own.  Pitch in and help out – even without being asked.  Be a generous Dad and your children will be generous like you. 

Jeff Sippy, self-described as a "Carpenter and Dad-in-Training," lives in Springfield, MO where he serves as Senior Pastor for Redeemer Lutheran Church. He and his wife, Cindy, are the proud parents of three young adult sons. 

The Whisper of Fatherhood

If ever a story, a relationship, a social infrastructure, or a magical phenomenon been more under emphasized than the importance of a child’s need for their father’s love and attention, I cannot imagine what it would be!  My own experience, my research, shocking statistics, and the stories I have seen and heard all tell me this is true.

Of course, children also need their mother, but their story and importance is relatively very well known. A father would never be a replacement for a mother, but neither can she replace him. Ideal parenting involves the work of two people. Yet, mom is too often without the dad to help raise their children. A mom and dad are not opposites, but complements of their parenting partnership. Of course, there are many circumstances that do not allow a man and woman to raise children together. Some are unavoidable, but the lack of emphasis on the crucial role of fatherhood contributes to the avoidable incidents of a father’s lack of involvement.

There are nuggets of encouragement! The government has Fatherhood.gov. There are groups like the National Fatherhood Initiative and Gooddads.com. Business has Dove’s Men’s Health Care support of fatherhood. There are also many dad bloggers like myself, although we are outnumbered 17 to 1 compared to mom bloggers. But more emphasis on helping and encouraging families to stay together must happen!

Emotional Well-Being

I don’t think every father knows just how important he is to his children. Many do, but I don’t feel confident about saying most. I’m not thinking of financial importance, which is critical. I’m not even thinking about how a father protects his children, which is crucial! These are the areas that, unfortunately, many people think of when we talk of a father’s importance in a home. There is another matter in which fathers are fundamentally necessary to the health and growth of their children—emotional well-being!

A kid’s emotional well-being concerns their stress level, the emotion of happiness, self-satisfaction, and anxiety level. If any of these criteria are at risk, the child will suffer not only emotionally, but their physical health could deteriorate.

Children with good emotional health:

• Do well in school, at home, and in other social situations
• Feel good about themselves, and don't suffer from self-esteem issues
• Believe that they are valued and belong
• Are able to accept changes better and just go with the flow
• Have fun and enjoy others
• Have less stress, and are better equipped to deal with stress
• Feel contentment with their lives

While the importance of fatherhood is discussed in relative whispers, its impact on children roars!

So how do we as fathers contribute to our children’s emotional well-being? Naturally, parents have the most influence and are the most responsible for all aspects of their children’s lives. We teach them whether we do so intentionally or not, whether we are good or bad examples. "Do as I say and not as I do," never works as a value system or mentoring technique, therefore, be sure to be a good example and a knowledgeable teacher.

Here are a few things to think about.

·      You must be careful with your criticisms and honest in your praise.

·         

     Most important is your interest in them. A child ignored by his or her parents can feel defeated and lose their self-worth, then react to that feeling by becoming more aggressive or more reclusive. Be sure to listen intently when you know what your children are saying is important to them. Aggressively attend their parent-teacher conferences, coach their sports if possible, and give them flowers after their dance recitals.

·       
       Teaching your children values to live by will give them the confidence to make decisions in their lives, especially when they must act on their own. This will become very important with the peer pressure that will undoubtedly challenge them. Being in control is a vital component of a child’s emotional well-being.

·       
     Teaching your children kindness will allow others to like them and teaching them strength will allow them to ignore those that don’t. How do you teach these lessons? By being kind and showing strength yourself.

·         
     Good parents pay attention to character in their children. Their moral and ethical actions and reactions to everyday events are key indicators of their emotional well-being. Kids have good character when they respect others, are responsible for their actions, and show humility. When you see integrity in your children, it is a very good sign that you have been a great parent or very lucky. If you don’t, their lack of character likely didn’t come about overnight and it won’t be corrected overnight.

·         
     Dads are male role models for their sons and examples of male respect towards females. Boys need to prove themselves to someone male. If not their father, then who? When fatherless boys band together, you can be assured it is a recipe for trouble. They tend to want to prove their manhood to each other in all the wrong ways.

·         
     Girls need male approval. Reassurance from their mother of their self-worth is not enough. They need the feeling of being valued by a male. Again, their father is in the best position to do this honestly. Without this, the girl will look for male approval in the wrong places and from individuals who may not have their best interests in mind.

·         
     Dads actively parenting in homes helps our society. Look at various neighborhoods, comparing single vs two parent home statistics, then compare them to the crime statistics in the same neighborhoods. You will see what I mean.

Summary

I think fathers are aware of their fiscal and protection responsibilities much more than their nurturing responsibilities.  Society suffers one bad father at a time and is advanced by every good father who attends to the emotional well-being of his children, working of course with their mother. Today’s children are the leaders and parents of tomorrow. When we teach them well, they will do the same with their children, and if the trend continues with each generation, watch the social issues of our country dissolve into a mere distraction. Media, businesses, and our government could do more to help this often dire situation where fathers are absent. While discussion of fatherhood may be a whisper, the impact of fatherhood roars!

Michael Smith, the author of The Power of Dadhood: How to Become the Father Your Child Need, is the father of three adult children and grandfather of four. He is a retired US Air Force officer and resides with his wife in St. Louis, MO. Michael can be reached for question or comment at mike@michaelbyronsmith.com. 

#powerofdadhood

"I Hear You" -- How to Listen Well to Your Child

I was sitting at my computer working away on some project, when one of my daughter’s came in the room and started telling about a something she and her friends had done together at the sleepover the night before.  She spoke with excitement, laughing along the way, as I gave an occasional, “Uh-huh,” or “Hmmm…,” or “Oh, really?”  She evidently had finished her tale, as she finally said, “Dad, isn’t that so funny?!”  Only I had no idea if it was funny or not, because I had not heard a word she said. 

“I’m sorry.  I wasn’t listening.  Could you tell me that again?” I requested with a measure of embarrassment.  Her initial excitement about sharing the story with me had worn off, but she retold it anyway.

I wish I could claim that was a one-time event, but it wasn’t.  I had made a habit of being a poor listener.  On other occasions, the girls had told me things, but I had not listened well.  Later, after the conversation had passed, and when I was listening to them, I might ask with surprise, “When did you do that?”  “Dad, I already told you, remember?”  The problem was I didn’t remember; I had not really heard them in the first place.  We had been in the same room.  She had stood next to me and told me a story.  But I had not listened.

I decided that I had to change some things in order to be a good listener and really hear what my daughters were saying.

Here are a few things that I put into practice to become a better listener:

1. About Face: If at all possible, I stopped what I was doing and did an “about face;” I turned my body and face toward them.  Under most circumstances, communication really does involve the face.  When I turned toward them, I looked them in the eyes as they told their story.

2. Here to Hear: “I hear you” often begins with “I here you.”  Okay, I recognize that this doesn’t make sense grammatically speaking, but let me explain.  In order to listen well, I need to be present with them.  Being in the same room is not the same as being with them.  To hear them, I must also be here, in the moment, not on my phone or staring off in the distance or watching the instant replay of the game or working on my computer.  Doing an “about face” is really about showing that you want to be with your child and that they are more important (in the vast majority of cases) than what you might be doing at the moment.

3. Hold That Thought: Occasionally, if my train of thought for an email or document is really critical, I say, “Just a moment.  Let me finish typing this thought, then I will listen.”  It is important that this not take a long time.  If I need more than just a minute (literally), I ask, “May I take five minutes and finish this?  Then I will hear your story and not be thinking about this.”  Most of the time, they’ll be okay with this.

4. Engage: As you look your child in the eye, offer feedback.  “Wow!”  “That sounds fun!”  “What happened next?”  Children like affirmation about their experiences, not just their performances, though the two often go hand-in-hand.  If your child is small, put them on your lap and let them talk away. 

Active, engaged listening is crucial to healthy conversation.  It also builds trust, as your children know that you hear them and care about what they are sharing with you.  This encourages them to keep coming to you to share as they get older, because you have proven that you hear. 

And good hearing (and “here-ing”) will allow them someday to say with pride, “I have a good dad!” 

Deron Smith and his wife Becca have been married for 23 years, and have three daughters: Abby (20), Makayla (17), and Toria (15). Since 2004, he has been Preaching Minister at East Sunshine Church of Christ, Springfield, Missouri. As a preacher, he often says that he is "one learner telling other learners what he's learning." Besides his love for his family and church, he enjoys fitness, the outdoors, football, the St. Louis Cardinals, and anything "Razorbacks."