Teaching Good Sportsmanship

I played sports all my life.  For me, sports were a place to learn lessons in life.  I learned about teamwork, working together, and respect for coaches and others.  Many of the lessons I learned in sports I can now apply in life.              

I have three sons.  They have played sports since they were young.  They played soccer, hockey, and football; they also ran cross country and track.  As dad of my boys, it was as important to me to teach them about good sportsmanship as it was to teach them how to play the sport itself.   

I have seen Mike Tyson bite off Evander Holyfield’s ear in a boxing match.  I have seen John McEnroe’s temper tantrums on the tennis court.  I once saw a college soccer player grab hold of an opponent’s pony tail and jerk her to the ground.  These are not the best examples of good sportsmanship. 

When it comes to good sportsmanship, I believe that it is my place, and every dad’s place, to teach their children.  Good Sportsmanship does not just happen by accident.  A good jump shot in basketball, a good slap shot in hockey, and good sportsmanship must be taught and practiced.   To me, it would be unacceptable to raise my boys to be good at sports but not to be good sports. 

I was at hockey camp one year where a father of one of the boys was yelling and screaming at his son throughout a game.  Finally, one of the other dads walked up, put his arm around his shoulder, and gently said, “Hey, that’s your son out there.”  True words. Every person on the field or rink or court is someone’s child. 

I want you to envision six- year-old children at a birthday party playing “Candyland.”  On your daughter’s turn she draws the card that sends her back to the Gum Drop Forest. Can you imagine yourself screaming, “No!  Not the Gum Drop Forest?”  Can you imagine someone else saying, “It’s only a game?” 

At the heart of good sportsmanship are three key traits and behaviors that are imperative for all relationships and endeavors with others:  1) You must have a humble heart that is gracious in victory and dignified in defeat; 2) you must control your emotions and your actions; and 3) you must respect yourself, your coach, the referee, and your opponent. 

We will fail from time to time and we will not act our best.  This should be the exception and not the norm.  Every good athlete drops the ball; we will, too.  We should make no excuse or blame.  We should take responsibility for your bad sportsmanship and then begin again. 

I am not the best dad in the world and I am not always the best sport, either.  But I am getting better at each by being part of the team with you. 

Jeff Sippy, a Dad-In-Training, is the father of three young men and the husband of Cindy. He enjoys sailing every chance that he gets. He is the senior pastor at Redeemer Lutheran in Springfield, MO and can be reached for question or comment at jsippy@rlcmail.org.

Showing Love Begins at Home

What does it mean to “show love?”  Hugs, kisses, kind words, not pestering someone incessantly with questions, or telling someone, “I love you”? As a Dad of three young children (ages 9, 9 and 5), I’m constantly learning more from my kids on this subject than I ever thought possible.

If your kids are similar to mine, you see them showing love more often and more intensely than adults.  For example, when my daughter greets me after I finish the workday, she stops whatever she is doing, runs over to me with arms wide open hollering “Daaaaaddyyyyy!”  There’s a huge smile on her face as she wraps my leg up in a bear hug and I almost trip over her.

My sons are a little more reserved, and that could be due to their age, gender, or their shy personalities.  But they still have the biggest, goofiest, most charming smiles reflecting in their eyes and hearts when we’re having a good time together. 

The thing learned from my kids is when they are joyful, their whole body, voice, and posture all change in an explosion that can’t be missed.  It’s obvious when they love someone.  They don’t hide it.

Are all children born like this?

Maybe kids have a natural ability to show unapologetic, unrestrained love and affection from birth.  However, sadly, research has shown that not all children display affection as easily as my children.  Kids who grow up in abusive homes learn to keep their distance from adults and each other, probably to avoid getting hurt or disappointed.  Perhaps one too many bad episodes poison their ability to openly show love. 

I’m not an expert in child psychology, but I have observed families that are healthy and non-abusive, but where Dad and Mom are more reserved in showing affection. Their children, as well, are more reserved and less likely to explode into open displays of love.  I can only conclude that what we Dads and Moms show them in our homes matters.

More is caught than taught

In past posts on finances and generosity, I’ve mention the phrase, “More is caught than taught” applies to children.  We can tell them to be loving, but they learn by observing more than anything. When I give my wife a hug, a kiss on the check, a back rub, or just sit quietly beside her, I model a healthy outward display of love to my kids.  They see this and absorb it.  On the other hand, on occasions when I am agitated, quick-tempered, or emotionally cold with my wife, the kids tended to act out more.

Dads teach by doing.  Teaching by preaching may work with math or sports, but not so much with love and affection.

Saying “I Love You”

February is Valentine’s month.  As a husband and father, I recognize that saying “I love you” with chocolate, flowers, or a thoughtful gift can happen any time of the year.  It can also happen when I do the dishes for my wife after a well-cooked meal, or even a not-so-well-cooked meal.  When I open the door for her or help pick up when the kids come roaring in after a Saturday afternoon outdoor adventure, I’m showing my kids my “I love you.” When I turn off the TV, put aside the laptop, and invest my time and interest in whatever activity they are interest in, I’m showing my kids “I love you.”

Board games?  Yes, I can play kids Monopoly with the best.  Discussing the latest “mods” to the popular game Minecraft?  A must for any parent who has a kid connected to the Internet. 

But most importantly, it happens when I say, “I love you” every day.  I tell my wife and kids each day, “I love you” accompany the words with a hug and a light kiss.  Words are powerful, and so is repetition.  The children are watching, learning, and imitating me.  That’s a powerful thought and encouragement to remember that showing love starts with me.

Sid Whiting is the father of three and the husband of one. He lives with his wife Gail and their children in Springfield, Missouri. He also enjoys real estate investing, serving in the 135th Army Band as a percussionist and bass guitarist, and plays in the Praise Band "Soul Purpose" and the "Hallelujah Bells" hand bell choir.  He can be reached for comment or question at sid.whiting75@gmail.com or on Facebook (www.facebook.com/WiseSteward).

Intentional Consistency – A Deep Expression of Love

In my attempt to be a good dad, one of my biggest challenges over the years has been the task of being consistent. Then again, maybe that is one of our biggest challenges in life – period. We all have good intentions; to workout, to eat healthy, to save, to spend more time with our loved ones, but things happen. We get busy, distracted, tired, and before we know it, we’re hit and miss in many aspects of our lives, and often our kids suffer the most from our inconsistencies.

When my boys were very small, my wife and I struggled with different areas of inconsistency. She had a hard time holding three, small, adorable, chubby-faced boys accountable for their actions, and I had a hard time getting home to ensure I had enough time with those same chubby cherubs. We had to recognize, early on, that consistency in all aspects – from consequences for harmful actions to incorporating a nightly routine – was vital to our boys’ overall health and success. When children have loving boundaries and reliable routines, they tend to feel safe. And when we create lifestyles, or atmospheres, in which our children feel safe, they ultimately feel, and are, loved.

Sounds great, right? Sounds easy, right? Well, to the latter, I would have to say not so much. Our home was “trial and error central.” Though this may sound quite contradictory, in our endeavors to create consistency, we also had to remain flexible. For instance, it was far easier to be consistent with bedtime routines, when our sons were small. Once they entered the worlds of competitive sports, bands, clubs, youth groups, and even homework projects, we had to make adjustments. But, we worked hard to not throw the baby out with the bathwater. We simply had to get the baby a bigger tub.

At the core of our quest for consistency, was our desire for them to always sense the deep expression of our love for them, in both good and bad times. My wife knocked this out of the park. She is your quintessential, doting mom. While I am far from a silent type, I was not as mushy in my overall expressions. What I learned is that this is not only pretty typical for dads, but it’s completely okay. Over the years, I discovered ways to consistently show my boys love and support in everything from (wordlessly) building with Legos to painting model cars. Again, without much small talk.

But, speaking of talking, who says moms have to do all the asking about the school day? My wife would laugh and say she peppered the boys with 100 questions after school and maybe received one answer, typically, “Uh-uh.” I found I often could make one little inquiry, and a generally quiet boy would talk for half an hour. I just had to be willing to ask, and then more importantly, be willing to listen . . . really listen!

Over the years, I’ve come to realize that intentional consistency is one of the greatest ways to show my boys that I deeply love them. As a matter of fact, now they are grown, it is not the blowout birthday parties or extravagant Christmas gifts my boys recall making them feel special, it was, and is, the fact that I was, and am, there for them. Never overestimate the temporal things we spend so much time and money trying to get and give; never underestimate what we give our children by consistently engaging in their everyday lives.

Kevin Weaver, CEO of Network211 and father of three sons, lives with his wife KyAnne in Springfield, MO. He enjoys spending time with family, hunting and watching University of Kansas basketball with his boys! He can be reached at kweaver@network211.com. 

What a Good Dad Looks Like

Good dads are not always tall, handsome, charming, or engaging. Some are short, average looking, quiet and shy. But a good dad always looks like a hero to his children. His super power may be juggling oranges. His cape may be a bath towel. His undershirt may not have an ‘S’ on the front but it might say ‘World’s Greatest Dad”, a gift from last Father’s Day.

No doubt, dads come in all shapes sizes and dispositions. But all good dads have something special to share with their children. It might be his presence at any important event. It could be his duty to see to his kids’ well-being and safety. It could be sharing his love of by sharing his interests. Usually, they just do what they need to do for their family.

Following are examples of three dads I know personally, all of whom could be nominated for “Dad of the Year” in any year!

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        The first Dad has a bald spot on the back of his head. He is overweight and misses his days as a smoker. He never finished high school, but he has an honest, difficult job and works very hard every day. He has a charming habit of mispronouncing words and has a hearty laugh. He has two children who have been adored by him and his mother. They are getting the education he never had. They have been encouraged, loved, guided, and corrected.  A more dedicated father you will not find. This is what a good dad looks like.

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     This next dad is quiet. He loves sports but will pass up a big game for his family. Growing up without a loving father, he was fortunate to have a mother and aunt who worked together to raise him and his sister. His aunt took him to basketball and baseball games, cultivating his love of sports. He waited into his thirties for the right person to marry and he and his wife now have a young son and a baby daughter. You should see the look in his eye when he talks about, or plays with his three-year-old son. He makes sure he has lots of balls around, just in case his son takes to them. He gently holds his eight-month-old daughter in the air and kisses her on the neck and cheeks. Diapers, cooking, laundry, he pitches in no matter the chore. This dad will be the dad he never had. His dedication to fatherhood and family are as obvious as his soft-spoken nature. This is what a good dad looks like.

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     The third dad stays up late to catch up with a workload that could never be caught. When he does take a break, he researches his interests in nature, science, and a myriad of other things. But he is never too busy to teach his two young daughters about different kinds of bugs, the constellations, or plants. He combs his older daughter’s hair in the morning, not as well as her mother, but not bad. Often he speaks German to his girls to spark their interests in language, even his two-year-old. This dad talks up to, not down to his daughters. He teases, hugs, cheers, and loves. This is what a good dad looks like.

Summary

These are three men I know in my life who are worthy symbols of excellent fathering. A good dad, with a good mom, will give a child the most basic elements necessary to have successful lives. That being the knowledge they are loved, self-confidence, a support system, encouragement, understanding limits, and so much more. So what does a good dad look like? He’s tall or short, fat or skinny, black, white, or brown, bald or bearded, quiet or loud, but most of all he is engaged with his children, he is a mentor, and he is proud—to be a dad!

Michael Smith, the author of The Power of Dadhood: How to Become the Father Your Child Need, is the father of three adult children and grandfather of four. He is a retired US Air Force officer and resides with his wife in St. Louis, MO. Michael can be reached for question or comment at mike@michaelbyronsmith.com. 

Love in the Home

I was a fair high school wrestler.  I wasn’t great but I had a coach who was greatly invested in me.   Coach Sensenbaugh trained with me before and after school and on and off the mat.  He talked to me about having a winning edge to overcome bigger and stronger opponents.    

               

Coach would say to me, “Sippy, If you are going to succeed at wrestling you need to succeed at everything.”

               

I have learned it is not easy to succeed at everything.  There are variables beyond our control and adversities, too.  I never became the champion I aspired to be.  I did become a better wrestler, though.  I also become a better student, a better worker, and I believe, a better Dad, as well.       

Today, I am teaching my boys how to wrestle their way through life.  I want them to be prepared and to have a winning, positive edge when they face variables beyond their control and adversities too – and especially in the most important arena of their lives, their home.         

Of course I want my boys to be good students and good workers and to enjoy the activities they choose—be it weightlifting or water ballet.  But what I really want for my boys is to have love in their home – and lots of it.  I want them to feel secure and hopeful, joyful and filled with mercy.  I want my boys to be great lovers and partners to their spouses.  I want their spouses to be great lovers, too, to be good friends and to care for each other.  Together, I want my boys and their spouses to create a wonderful, unconditional, patient, and nurturing love in their home in which their children feel safe and secure no matter the variable or adversity.         

I want my boys to know that such love in the Home does not happen by accident.  It takes coaching and training.  And we don’t always succeed.  I once got beat in a wrestling match 13-1. My coach told me to shower up.  We would begin again.        

I am not always the Dad I want to be.  I sometimes need to shower up and begin again.  I am learning that I can change old habits; I can break unhealthy cycles; and I can free myself hurts and disappointments.  I need help.  I need lots of it.  I need you.  I need my wife’s patience and sometimes I need her forgiveness.  But what I am learning through coaching and training is that I can be a better Dad than what I am.    

It is not easy to be a Dad.  We may need to wrestle against ourselves.  But when we train together and help each other we can become better Dads each day.  We can create the Love in our homes that we want for our children. 

Thank you for partnering with me.  I am cheering for you.

Jeff Sippy, a Dad-In-Training, is the father of three young men and the husband of Cindy. He enjoys sailing every chance that he gets. He is the senior pastor at Redeemer Lutheran in Springfield, MO and can be reached for question or comment at jsippy@rlcmail.org.

                    

Things are Bound to Happen When a Spouse Travels... One Dad’s Perspective on Life when Mommy Takes a Weekend Off.

At some stage during just about every trip I go on for work, I get a call from my wife telling me how much she hates it when I travel, most likely due to an unfortunate string of events that would probably not happen if we were both home. I guess this morning was payback time. (My lovely wife is on a girl's trip in Dallas): The morning thus far:

5:40am: Tinsley, dog #2, is barking relentlessly to be let outside. Get up and let the dog out. Bring her back in 5 minutes later thinking all necessary bodily functions have been achieved.

6:30am: Tell two mischievous little girls to go back to bed since it's not yet 7:00am. They grudgingly comply. While making sure they do so, I notice toothpaste on clothing but decide to ignore it.

7:25am: After a surprisingly long quiet period, the twins finally get up and force me to do so as well. Walking past the bathroom, I notice the particularly strong odor of dog excrement ... love that little white dog!! Continue on to girls' bedroom only to discover that the entire tube of Princess toothpaste (purchased last night), as well as the (not so cheap) organic hand soap, are now resident in the potty and/or all over the counter. Hmmm, what a fun morning ...

7:30am: Decide to tackle the doggy doo-doo...you guessed it diarrhea!!

8:00am: After much cleaning, the girls disappear, only to come back fully dressed in matching outfits . . . clever sausages!! Who could possibly stay mad at them?!!

8:08am: While writing this post, it got very quiet ...the girls had found a pack of post-it notes which ended up pasted all over their bunk bed...Wow, dare I ask what next??!!

8:50am: Breakfast was relatively uneventful ... until Mina squished Addie's fingers in the door while I was trying to get the dogs fed. While tending to injuries and disciplining, I notice Tinsley eating Belle's (dog # 1) food...fortunately for her I only had a dish towel in my hand...

The question is . . . do I take this show on the road and go to church???

When he wrote this, Alex Green was the father of three girls – 3-year-old twins and a one-year old little sister. Five years later, Alex still travels for work but now leaves behind four daughters, 8, 8, 6 and 4 with his lovely wife, Miriam. She continues to look for opportunities to escape occasionally and give him some special moments and memories with his four girls. He can be reached for question or comment at haulix@gmail.com.

Teaching Our Kids "Healthy" Habits

When it comes to setting good and consistent examples for our children, the old adage, “Do as I say, not as I do,” often comes to mind. Not so much because we are intent on being hypocrites, but because while we so emphatically urge our kids to do, give and be their best, we simultaneously can be struggling to do, give and be our best. 

When displaying everything from healthy eating/exercise habits to healthy social skills, it is critical for parents to remember that young eyes are always watching. Always. For better, or for worse.

The years in which we find ourselves parenting younger, extremely impressionable children, are crazy enough. Add to that fact, our current society, which tends to over-schedule families’ lives with ball practices, music lessons, church activities, tutoring and civic obligations. All of these things can cause parents to slip into survival mode, rushing from work to school to practice, with a quick run through the fast food joint for dinner.

But, overscheduling is not the only culprit. Most of us have heard the term “adulting,” and the stress of “adulting”…being responsible for so many things, and other people (primarily our families), can cause us to justify “stress eating.” The stress-induced junk food binges and busyness-induced “no time to work out” excuses for simply crashing on the couch at the end of a long day take their places in our lives so quickly that we can easily fail to see how our kids are beginning to make their own excuses. While we may reach for the remote to see what is happening on ESPN, ESPN2, U…3…4, and so on, our sixth grader is most likely heading for the gaming system. Or, our teen is off to check in on social media.

And speaking of social media. Isn’t it ironic that in this “great age of social media,” the age that is to have us better connected with one another than ever before, we are realizing a generation of young people who painfully lack healthy social skills?  Many are so accustomed to living and communicating from a cyber-world--one in which you can look and be any way and anything you wish to portray through a “filter app”-- it is even more difficult for our young people to be confident in who they truly are. This is especially so when face to face with another human being in the real world. As parents, we have to be increasingly mindful of our own “worlds,” whether that of work-related emails, or checking our Linkedln account. Are we modeling good, one-on-one communication skills--the kind that happen in the human flesh? No devices, no apps . . . just people?

Believe me, I still struggle with this, and I struggled as a young father of three boys. There were days the thought of bills, taxes and impending college tuition drove me to extra hours of work, which prompted an edge in my countenance that was anything but helpful and constructive. I am grateful for a wife who prodded me -- okay, poked and pushed me, to see that we were just in a season. A season that would be over all too quickly, and a season that would set the stage for our boys’ own life choices. I started taking time, when and wherever I could. We tried to have at least three family dinners a week at home with healthy food around our table. Three doesn’t sound like a lot, until you’ve had three boys in three different schools, in three different sports and playing three different instruments. We also started limiting the electronics. At first, it was as if we had ripped fingernails from young hands. But, we stuck to it, and we saw some pretty sweet results. Dinnertime conversations grew longer, while creativity sprang from internet-free rooms, filled with Legos and Lincoln Logs.

It wasn’t, and isn’t perfect. I’m not, neither are our boys, who are now young men, starting families of their own. We seem to always be learning and growing, but the commitment to healthy physical and social/communication habits in our home has paid off in spades. Even when “healthy” time was an electronic free conversation on the way to school with a seven-year-old, while eating a fast food breakfast sandwich. Everything in moderation. Well, everything except your love and intentionality in modeling not perfection, but you’re very best for your kids. 

Kevin Weaver, CEO of Network211 and father of three sons, lives with his wife KyAnne in Springfield, MO. He enjoys spending time with family, hunting and watching University of Kansas basketball with his boys! He can be reached at kweaver@network211.com.