Helping Your Child Make Friends -- Nixa Dad, Herbie Cody

As a parent, for the most part, we have the ability to help and protect our children as they grow. We can make sure they don't go running in the streets, stick things in the outlets or consume toxic items. We can safeguard the home in which they live, so as to give them a safe and secure environment as they get older. We can try to protect them, by talking about "stranger danger" and the risks of the World Wide Web. 

When it comes to helping our kids become socially adequate as they learn to make friends and understand how to be a good one, we lose some of our protective capabilities. I have three children, two boys and one teenage daughter. All three of them have their own personality, and definitely interact with others in their own way. 

My 14-year-old daughter has always been a bit reserved. She will sit back, observe, and wait for others to approach her. Once she gets to know someone, or a group of people, she breaks out of her shell and becomes very outgoing. The thing about girls, it seems, is they can have a best friend one week, and the next week, that bestie is a mortal enemy. The one thing I try to instill in all my kids, is to be nice to everyone. If they see someone struggling to make friends, I want them to be the one that approaches that person, regardless of what their friends may say or think. 

My twelve-year-old son struggled to make friends early on in school. It wasn't until we figured out he had issues with ADD, that he was able to turn things around. Before he began taking medication, he had a short fuse with kids his own age. He was also very spastic, so not all kids knew how to take him. When children would refuse his friendship requests, he would resort to threatening them. On one occasion, he told a young boy he was gonna stab him with his pen. I'll never forget the time I was called by the school, because my son got angry with one of his peers, pulled his pants down on the playground, and tried to pee on the poor kid. That was pretty much the last straw. We knew we had to see a doctor. Once he was diagnosed and began taking medication, he made friends much easier, and was able to deal with his emotions in a better way. 

My youngest, who is six, seems to be doing fine when it comes to making friends. The problem is, he doesn't seem to understand how to differentiate from the way he and his older brother act and speak to one another, compared to the way he should interact with his friends. Just this evening, while at Mighty Mites football practice, he found out a friend from his class was on the team. I watched as they did drills together and laughed and had fun. The lady standing next to me noticed and started talking to me. She happened to be the grandmother of my son's buddy.

The boys were doing tackling drills on a dummy, when my son suddenly took his mouth piece out and yelled, "Hey Dad, this is my friend, and well . . . he . . . he . . . just watch him . . . he really . . . uhhh . . . " As he struggled to come up with the words he wanted to express, in my mind I was thinking, "Please say something positive, please say something kind, please tell me how awesome this kid is!"

Instead, I got, "Dad, watch him . . . he really SUCKS!" I didn't wanna overreact, but I also didn't want him to think that was ok to say. I immediately pointed at him to come to me. He saw the look in my eyes, and knew he had made a mistake. I explained to him how inappropriate his comment was and demanded he apologize to his buddy and his Grandmother. 

The best advice I could give to a parent regarding their child's ability to make friends, would be to set up play dates with different kids when they are young. Be there to observe and coach them. As they get older and meet new people in school, be available when they are ready to talk about any issues that may come up. Also, if you have a young daughter, the complex world of female teenage drama, is a never ending discussion. 

Herb Cody is a husband and father of three. He is a part time Uber driver and full time caregiver of his spouse, who suffered a traumatic brain injury after an auto accident November, 2015. Herb loves football and is a St Louis Cardinals fanatic. He and his family live in Nixa MO. Herb can be reached for questions or comments at herbie05@yahoo.com

You can check out Herb's own blog at, www.thecodylife.weebly.com

End of Summer -- Springfield Father & Grandfather -- Mark Mildren

As a child the parameters of summer were the end of school year and the beginning of another. Summer break began in June, and lasted until just after Labor Day weekend, so August was the third and last month of summer vacation. As I look back upon those years it seemed like summer lasted a long time. When I think of my elementary school years living in Denver, Colorado, they were truly care free for me. I was part of the Baby Boom generation, and it was never so noticeable as it was in my neighborhood. Every house on the block had two or more kids approximately my age. So I had lots of friends to play with.  

The Little Rascal movies could have been based on my neighborhood. We had gangs and club houses that parents built for us. The alley between the houses on either side of the block was the meeting place for my friends and I. From there we hatched many activities from sandlot baseball, to long distance bike rides, playing cowboys and Indians and track and field games. The days began early, around 6:30 a.m., and lasted through the day till dark. We hated to have to come in. I knew it was time, however, when my father stepped out on the back porch and gave his unique whistle, and yelled my name: “Mark Jennings, time to come in!” 

I haven’t heard a father do that in many years. Our neighborhood seemed much more connected than neighborhoods do today. One obvious reason is that people were outdoors more than they are now, and there were no video games to watch, or i-Phones to monitor.

            

Looking back I am amazed at the freedom my parents gave to me. We lived on the edge of town, and the prairie began at the end of our street. You could look out across it as far as the eye could see. And in the summer we spent a good deal of our time in it. We could ride our bikes far away and be gone for hours and my mom never seemed to worry. Maybe there was less to worry about in those days. Drugs, porn, human trafficking, violence were unheard of then. Life was simpler. I think the 1950’s had to be the golden era of America. Peace and prosperity were at hand.

            

While my parents seemed to trust that I wasn’t going to get into trouble, for the most part I was trustworthy. I didn’t do anything really bad. The worst thing I did was almost derailing a train! We had been placing copper pennies on the tracks to see what they would look like when the train ran over them. They were flattened good. So we thought we’d put a railroad spike on the track and see what would happen. About five of us sat down on some mounds close to the tracks and waited for the train. As it approached the conductor waved at us kids, and we waved back. Then the train hit the spike. There was a terrible noise and sparks were flying. The train engine carried that spike a lot farther than we supposed would happen. The conducted waved again at us, but it wasn’t quite the same wave he had given earlier!

            

Somewhere along the way my parents taught me to respect them, as well as some basic values they taught me. I knew they had a certain expectation of me to be good, honest, and obedient to them. And I lived up to their expectations. They trusted me because I stayed out of trouble. Because of that my summers were filled with a modicum of independence and joy.

            

As school approached it was met with a certain resignation, fear and anticipation. On the positive side I got to go to the "Five and Dime" and get my school supplies--a three-ring binder that zipped up, with pockets inside to stuff papers, a plastic pencil holder, eraser, pencil sharpener, and a box of 48 Crayola crayons. I still love to smell a gum eraser and a fresh box of crayons. The memories come flooding back.

I suppose some of my most vivid experiences from childhood were of summer vacations from school. It was a time for boys to be boys and somehow we began to learn more about ourselves and the world around us. Our imaginations were unleashed in playful and adventurous ways. My parents helped to create this wonderful time by providing a secure environment, some simple ground rules, and probably a more watchful eye than I ever realized! There was always a sense of sadness at the end of summer, but also an expectation of something just ahead. It is so even today as summer comes to an end.

Mark Mildren, retired Methodist minister, is the father of two and grandfather of three. He serves as the faith-community liaison for Good Dads and can be reached for question or comment at mark@gooddads.com.

Good Bye to Summer

Sometimes parents welcome it, while it seems that almost always, children dread it. What am I talking about? The end of summer. To parents, it can signal the conclusion of finding babysitters, refereeing a staggering number of fights, and answering the question, “What can I do today?” To children, it most certainly signals carefree days morphing into those filled with early mornings, rigor, and homework.

As the “golden months” come to a close, making way for the busyness of fall, families often are also left to deal with a myriad of “guilt” or “grief” types of emotions. For instance, if summer didn’t quite go as planned - the trips were canceled, or the family time parents over promised just didn’t happen - guilty angst can creep into a mom or dad’s heart. On the other hand, if the summer was especially sweet, instead of being grateful for the time spent, resentment can set in at the thought of the “back to school” commitments that tend to pull families in a myriad of directions.

How can families make the transition from summer to fall in the best, most painless ways possible? Our family certainly did not perfect this transition, but in the 22 years in which we were annually sending someone “back to school,” we did find some things that helped.

One thing we found that enabled us to run a bit smoother when summer stopped and school started, was the effort of preparing ourselves before we prepared our kids. My wife would laugh and say, “Well, babe! School starts in a few weeks, so time to get the pen, calendar, and checkbook out!” The amount of scheduling, paperwork, and fees that hit parents of only one child can be daunting, but throw some more kids into the mix, and you very quickly can feel buried and broke. We gave ourselves notice to get ready. We tried to look at the budget and make accommodations for the activity, sports, music, and materials’ costs, often for three, teenage boys. Oh, and did I mention lunch money? For three, teenage boys? You bet we had to plan for that one! 

My wife was the master planner when it came to the kids, and would make sure that the huge (but somehow stylish) dry-erase wall calendar with the markers in colors for each family member, was ready to be filled in as soon as the school schedules started coming home. She also set up a filing crate, in which each boy had separate files for the portions of syllabi that didn’t have to be signed and returned to school. Also into the crate went copies of upcoming class project expectations (much needed in order to avoid late night poster board runs!), or team and class phone trees. My wife would tell you that she is a pretty free-spirited, easy-going person, and that is the very reason why she needed systems. It’s hard enough to get back into the swing of school. Most of us parents know it’s even harder when forms are lost and kids miss first practices.

After parents fully realize summer is winding down and fall is just around the corner, it’s time to prep the kids. There are some youngsters who enjoy heading back to school. Having both grown up in the country, my wife and I were always somewhat eager for fall, just to (pre-cell phone and social media) connect with our friends again on a daily basis. But, most kids have a hard time getting back into the routine. It isn’t easy, but aiming for earlier bedtimes as the summer months begin to wane is a great thing to strive for. In addition to that, setting aside some one-on-one time with each child to discuss or address fears or concerns he or she may have about the upcoming school year can be very comforting and reassuring. Especially if they are transitioning to Jr. High, High School or even College.

There are many things parents and children can do together, as well as individually, to send summer off into the sunset well. And you never know...there may be some leftover fireworks from the 4th of July to really make it feel like a celebration. The bottom line...be intentional. Intentionality always seems to open the door to smoother transitions.  Have a happy fall!

Kevin Weaver, CEO of Network211 and father of three sons, lives with his wife KyAnne in Springfield, MO. He enjoys spending time with family, hunting and watching University of Kansas basketball with his boys! He can be reached at kweaver@network211.com

Making Friends/ Good Friends -- Springfield Dad & Grandfather Mark Mildren

One of the most difficult things a parent has to do is to guide their children through the minefields of life, helping them claim good values, and the skills to succeed in life.  One area of potential difficulty is in regards to friends. When our kids were young we lived in a neighborhood without many children. There was only one home nearby that had two girls near the age of my daughter. I would say that they were living in near poverty. As a pastor, I try to treat everyone equally, and not discriminate against people, but I was concerned about this home. The kids had a single mom, and there was a continuous changing of the men who would stay in this house. We didn’t really want our kids to spend time there, but preventing that seemed like casting a judgment upon them. We preferred the two girls to spend time at our home, where we could supervise them more closely, and hopefully, demonstrate what a stable home and marriage looked like. 

In one episode our daughter came home and talked about some dirty magazines she had seen at her friends home. This kind of confirmed our worries about the environment there. My wife and I were more determined to channel our daughter away from that home, but to encourage her friends to come to our house. Eventually, we moved to another town and things worked out better.

Another move brought us to Monett. We look back at this move and believe it was an answer to prayer for our daughter, and our son. Our daughter fell in with a group of high achieving girls, who were active in school activities, and made excellent grades. Her own grades rose, and she expanded her activities to include cheerleading, drama, and speech and debate. Most of her friends came from solid families that wanted their daughters to excel and succeed. Our son became friends with kids who he still remains connected to twenty years later. As parents we were very relieved to know the crowd our kids were with was a positive one. My wife and I brought together all of the parents of our sons friends to help supervise our children and to make sure they were where they were supposed to be. This let the kids know that the community was involved in their raising.  That may be an advantage of living in a small town.

            

Sometimes we sacrifice things in our lives to help raise our children. I was offered a move to a much larger church, with a much larger salary, that was about 225 miles away. If I accepted the offer, my daughter would change high schools in her senior year. From my own experience I knew how difficult that can be. So we turned down the offer and stayed until both my kids graduated from high school before accepting another move.  We felt it was important for them to graduate with their best friends.

            

Parenting is challenging! Sometimes we will face awkward experiences that can be filled with real drama, but when you choose to have children, that comes with the territory. Good parents will be deeply involved in their children’s lives. Good parents will set boundaries and enforce them. We can’t make friends for our children, but we can create opportunities to make friends. 

When I was 16 my family moved from California to Kirkwood, Missouri. My father insisted that I attend our church’s youth fellowship group that met on Sunday evening. I really resisted this, fearing it would be awkward for me. My father prevailed, and I went. My fears were relieved, and the kids were most friendly, and became my best friends in my last two years of high school. My father made the right decision regarding my participation in the youth group. That’s an example of helping our kids make good friends! 

We wanted our kids to know that it was always okay for them to bring their friends to our home. We enjoyed getting to know the friends of our son and daughter. My advice for parents of young children is be involved. Know what’s going on. Talk to your kids about things they’re concerned with. Be wary of potential problems, and steer your kids in the right direction. If you love them and do your best, most likely they will turn out to be responsible people!

Mark Mildren, retired Methodist minister, is the father of two and grandfather of three. He serves as the faith-community liaison for Good Dads and can be reached for question or comment at mark@gooddads.com.

Saying "Good Bye" to Summer -- Jeffrey Sippy, Springfield Dad-in-Training

When my boys were young they played ice hockey.  I did not play hockey in my youth so it was fun for us to learn together. 

I discovered a father – son hockey camp in Minnesota called Peak Performance Hockey Camp.  The camp provided a great opportunity for fathers and sons to learn hockey and be together.  I cannot tell you how much fun we had – and how hard it was to say “good bye” at the end of the summer.

One year at hockey camp one of the dads was more over the top than the rest of us.  We were all a bit nuts but this dad was in a league by himself.  He was yelling at his son, telling him to try hard, and to do better. 

Note to Good Dads: This is not good.     

Without saying a word we all knew someone had to say something.  The point of these moments is not to tell someone how bad they are being. The point of these moments is that we all benefit from each other.  I do.  You do.  Good Dads need Good Dads.    

I put my hand on the man’s shoulder and said, “You sure have a great boy.  He is one of the best out there.”   He looked at me and said, “Thanks; he really is a good boy.”  And this man really was a good dad.

Later that day we went to the water park.  The kids swam and played while the dads sat together. We told stories.  We laughed.  We listened to each other.      

The man who had been yelling at his son shared how he was recently divorced.  He hated it.  He saw his son every two weeks and two weeks in the summer.  He admitted how anxious he gets and how hard it is when his son has to leave. 

It is hard for all of us to say “good bye” to summer and special moments. I could not image how much harder it was for this man.  The man apologized for the way he had been acting.  He shared how much pressure he felt to make the most of every moment and how it felt like he was losing his son.   

Summer marks the passage of time for all of us.  Dads and children can feel like they won’t have this moment again.  Good Dads will make the most of each moment -- and begin planning the next moment together:     

1.      Relax and enjoy special times just as they are.  Never try to do more or make more of a moment than what it is.

    

2.      Ask your children what they most enjoyed.  Listen.  Make a date of it.  A souvenir, a scrapbook, or a photo can make a summertime memory last forever.

      

3.      Plan for a similar time for the winter – a Thanksgiving trip, a Christmas vacation, or some other time together!  

      Jeff Sippy, a Dad-In-Training, is the father of three young men and the husband of Cindy. He enjoys sailing every chance that he gets. He is the senior pastor at Redeemer Lutheran in Springfield, MO and can be reached for question or comment at jsippy@rlcmail.org

The Dark and Other Great Stories -- Dr. Jennifer Baker

It's summer in the Midwest and it's hot. That's really not unusual, but sometimes parents run short of ideas to keep their kids happy and occupied, especially by the end of long, steamy days. It's easy to sit them in front of a screen of some sort, but I'd like to recommend you end your day with a good book or two. Even children who can read enjoy being read to, and summer is a great time to create memories by diving into new books. Imagine the excitement of reading a "thriller" by flashlight on the patio, deck or porch.

The Dark, written by Lemony Snicket, features Laszlo, a little boy who is afraid of the dark. Laszlo knows the dark lurks in any number of places in his house, but especially in the cellar. One night, after his nightlight goes out, Laszlo plucks up his nerve, takes his flashlight and heads to the cellar to meet the dark. You’ll have to get the book to find out what happens, but let’s just say that my four-year-old granddaughter was spell-bound as Laszlo inched down the steps toward the dark.

In fact, the look on her face was something akin to what you might see on an adult’s face in the midst of a mystery thriller movie. I won’t spoil the ending, but I am happy to say the book reached a satisfying conclusion. My granddaughters and I learned something about the thrill of a good book, while also getting some insight into the importance of facing our fears.

I wish more of us could read The Dark and other good children’s books. If we did, we might better remember what we once knew as children and have somehow forgotten as adults. Take, for example, the lesson of The Pout-Pout Fish by Deborah Diesen.

The pout-pout fish appears to have a problem with a bad attitude. He’s a glass-half-full kind of guy. Ever know anyone like that? Lots of folks try to cheer him up, but he continues to insist, “I’m a pout-pout fish with a pout-pout face. So I spread the dreary-wearies all over the place.” The grand-boys loved this book, and wanted me to read it over and over.

The book is fun. The words rhyme and the illustrations are terrific, but dealing with a pouty person on a regular basis is not. What do you do if you’ve got a “pout-pout fish” in your home or workplace who appears resistant to any and all efforts to bring a smile to his face? I can’t tell you, but the book will. The book even may help you if you are prone to being a pout-pout fish yourself. Check it out.

There’s a lot about adult life that is serious—very serious. The events headlined in the evening news remind us all too well of just how brief and tenuous life can be. With that in mind, how would you like to spend the precious time allotted to you? Do you want fear to be the focus of your days? Can you really change the future by worrying? Will a frown on your face change the outcome of a potential bad event? Probably not! None of us knows the length of our days, but when I come to the end of mine I hope I will have filled as many moments as possible with the joy of ordinary things—things like enjoying a good tickle.

The Tickle Monster, by Josie Bissett, gives you lots of ideas for tickling someone you love.

If we tickled more and fought less would the world be a better place? I think it probably would. It seems we all knew this as children. Perhaps if we read children’s books more often we would remember it as adults.

Dr. Jennifer Baker, the founder and director of Good Dads, is the wife of one, the mother of two the the grandmother of eight. She can be reached for question or comment at jennifer@gooddads.com.

Freedom Isn’t Free -- Springfield Dad, Kevin Weaver

July is not just the golden month of summer for most families. Golden in that it is the one month, nationwide, when most schools are guaranteed not to be in session… whatsoever. But, July is also “firecracker” month, the month we gather, cook out, and blow things up to the squealing delight of young and old, alike. The month we celebrate our nation’s freedom.

Although I did serve four years in the US Air Force in the early to mid 1980’s, by the time I met my wife and we started our family, I was in a completely different line of work.  However, early on my wife and I agreed that it was important for our boys, growing up in a country in which it would be so easy to casually enjoy so many freedoms, to somehow learn to understand and truly appreciate sacrifice. In particular, the sacrifices made by countless men, women, and family associated with our Armed Forces.

Regardless of what side of the political aisle people are from, most Americans seem to be on the same side when it comes to supporting our service men and women. Sadly, this has not always been the case, as a few of us are just old enough to remember the tragic treatment of soldiers coming home from Vietnam. But, in the past 20 years, remembering what it is to honor those who give so much – sometimes even giving all – appears to be trending.

From the time our sons could talk, we taught them to recognize service members, identify the various branches, and to always express their gratitude for the sacrifice of any patriot they might happen across. One of our sons was painfully shy and struggled even speaking to most of our extended family and close friends. But just like his brothers, he lit up when he saw a soldier, and would boldly express his thanks. Maybe he somehow knew, even at an early age, stepping out of a social comfort zone was nothing in comparison to a young man or woman willing to step into a combat zone.

As the boys hit their tweens, we began watching various war films and documentary series. These things always served as springboards to lengthy discussions regarding the things that lead to such conflicts, as well as the many brave current and historical figures that fight and have fought in them. In time, real-life heroes such as Captain Dick Winters from Easy Company replaced superheroes such as Batman from Gotham City. Oh, they were still very typical 21^st Century kids who argued with each other over whose turn it was to empty the garbage, but they were daily growing in their appreciation of those willing to be so unselfishly, incredibly uncomfortable for the rest of us to live in comfort.

Today, a small flag with two, blue stars hangs in a front window of our home. In the 1940’s, pretty much any American would have understood what that flag represented. But in 2017, a little past the 4^th of July holiday, many mistake it for festive décor that we merely forgot to take down. Regardless, the flag stays up. And we pray each day that the stars stay blue. Because those blue stars represent two-thirds of our offspring, now-grown men, who appreciated the sacrifices made for their freedoms to the point that they felt they could do nothing but be willing to make the same sacrifices. We didn’t push them to become Army officers, just as we didn’t push our oldest son to go into the same occupation that I currently am in. We didn’t paint pictures of war being glorious, we shutter at the thought of them being harmed or killed, and dislike not seeing any of them as much as we would like.

But, we are thankful that they understand the cost of freedom. And we are proud that they are willing to pay the price.

We celebrate the 4^th of July once a year, but may we daily appreciate our freedom.