Homework Hassles -- Springfield Dad-in-Training Jeffrey Sippy

When you were a child doing your homework did you ever wonder, “When am I going to use this stuff again?”    

For instance, when was the last time you referenced the Japanese surrender on September 2, 1945? 

The Japanese Surrender demonstrated the strength of the allied forces and effectively marked the end of WWII.  This will be on the test.    

Held in Tokyo Bay on the deck of the battleship USS Missouri, representatives from Japan and the Allied Nations signed a formal document of surrender. Thousands of Allied planes flew overhead. 

Ready for the test?

True or False. Japan surrendered on September 2, 1945.

True or False. Japan’s surrender demonstrated the strength of the allies and the end of WWII?

True or False. Japan’s surrender took place on the deck of the USS Missouri. 

True or False. The point of this illustration is that Japan surrendered and you are not! 

Homework can be a hassle, but we are not surrendering.  We are Good Dads and we are in this together.    

Good Dads, I have good news for you.  I am a survivor.  My children are 26, 24, and 22.  My two oldest sons have graduated from college and my youngest son is well on his way.  It wasn’t always easy, but it should never be a fight.  I did my homework.  You can, too.        

My oldest son was 12 and he absolutely would not do his homework. He wouldn’t budge.  So I pulled out the artillery.  Like President Truman ordering the atomic strike on Hiroshima, my son was going to surrender or get blown off the map.  I got in his face.  I yelled.  I threatened.      

My middle son jumped between the two of us and yelled at me, “Will you shut up?!”

There was two of them and one of me.  I felt like General Lee facing the Union armies at Gettysburg. I fired back:  “Me?  He’s yelling, too!”  “Yeah!!”  My middle son exclaimed.  “But you are the Dad!!” 

Yes. I am the Dad.    

Here are three suggestions and one encouragement I learned in battle:    

·      Don’t insult or berate your children’s teachers or coaches under any circumstance.  You are only fueling your child’s notion that this is a waste of time.  Support and encourage your children’s teachers and coaches.

 

·      Don’t undermine or make fun of the homework assignment.  Make it into an adventure   to accomplish together

·     Don’t think of the end product as the end product.  You are not just doing history or   math.  You are spending time with your child and helping them towards their future.

Your assignment is to love and nurture and encourage your child.  The goal is not an “A” on the paper. The goal is assisting your child become the person he or she will one day be.   

True or False, Homework can be hassle but spending time with your children and helping them towards their future is worth it all.  

 Jeff Sippy, a Dad-In-Training, is the father of three young men and the husband of Cindy. He enjoys sailing every chance that he gets. He is the senior pastor at Redeemer Lutheran in Springfield, MO and can be reached for question or comment at jsippy@rlcmail.org

Influencing Unlikely Friendships

As parents our focus is often on ensuring our children have the right kind of friends. We arrange "play dates." We sign them up for teams and activities where they can interact with other children we deem suitable playmates. We talk with our child's teacher to see if he or she is getting along with other children in the class. We worry if we think our son or daughter might be spending too much time with questionable characters. 

These are all worthy pursuits, but I wonder if we might also consider how our kids can be a "force for good" in our neighborhood. How might we help them set the tone for how things go when a group of children get together? How can we help them be leaders rather than followers? I learned a few things about this from our son and daughter-in-law.

Our daughter told me about a scene she witnessed when our son corralled a number of the neighborhood children in his already busy-with-four-of-its-own front yard.

From what she described, it appeared at least two of the neighborhood children felt more comfortable in his yard and house than in their own. Apparently no one was much concerned about their whereabouts, even at supper time, so they often lingered looking like they’d like to be fed.

It seems as though he took the lead in suggesting that perhaps his family had a role in welcoming these boys. Your sister-in- law agreed. Observe Baker house rules they must, but welcome they were to play at his house and occasionally be fed.

As a psychologist, I’m all for healthy limits and boundaries. You can’t always take on the parenting and nutritional needs of the neighborhood. A chat with the boys’ parents may be appropriate.

That being said, I was impressed by our son's kindness and generosity. His days are crazy busy; his evenings are filled with classes or kids. He has every right to insist on peace and quiet on his own turf. Many men do.

Yet, he seemed to realize these children needed something they may not be getting at home. It’s hard to say what that may be, but they obviously had their own reasons for wanting to be part of the little community of neighborhood kids often occupying his yard.

Before we cross certain kids off our child's "friend list," I'm wondering if we might also consider the opportunity we have to influence children other than our own. Perhaps we can help our child demonstrate compassion to someone with fewer friends. Maybe we can model leadership in setting the tone for how we will be with others. It's not a strategy many parents employ, but if and when they do, I'm betting there will be benefits.

Dr. Jennifer Baker is the founder and director of Good Dads. She can be reached for question or comment at jennifer@gooddads.com

Making New/Good Friends -- Springfield Father of Three -- Kevin Weaver

Friends. Regardless of what any human of any age, from any walk of life might say, they’re kind of a big deal. As parents, when it comes to navigating the waters of friendship with our children, it can seem like an even bigger deal. Outside of our relationships with our offspring, the relationships they forge with peers often prove to be the most influential. Many of us parents bring our own memories of being everything from last picked for recess kickball to being bully-like King or Queen Bees. All of our experiences tend to greatly shape how we want to get in, or possibly even avoid, the entire process with our kids.  

In this age of mind-blowing technological advances, easy computer/device access, and social media, merely drawing personal relationship realities from our own growing-up years may prove to be a bit lacking. We may find ourselves having to add to our “how to make and keep the right friends” toolboxes. On the 21st Century side of things, it is wise to be as aware as possible of cell phone activity and any involvement your child may have on the internet. But as we stay in tune with the “friend” environment, a greater concern may arise in, “What should we be most concerned about when it comes to our children interacting with other people?”

I know some may be thinking, “Wait. Is this all there is now? I get that tweens and teens are ‘friending’ in some ways we parents didn’t. But, I have very young kids. What about them? In addition to that, what about all of the elements of friendship that don't involve electronics? Those still have to exist. Right?”

They do. And we know this because they exist in our own, “big people” relationships. Just as our children are unique individuals - some outgoing, some more reserved - the attributes of our human expression in developing friendships as adults are much the same. At times, the answers to the questions we have regarding the types of friendships our young make and keep, can be found in our own. As with all things parenting, modeling behaviors is a powerful thing. What kinds of friends do we have as parents? What kinds of friend making and keeping skills are little eyes watching us exhibit? Do we have healthy friendships? Do our kids observe us being good friends? Do we allow ourselves to enable adult friends? Do we allow ourselves to be pulled into full-sized drama? We love to roll our aging eyes at 12-year-old girls and their dramatic relationship antics, but sometimes we have to stop rolling our peepers long enough to understand that many junior high issues don’t always get resolved in junior high.  One thing that I have discovered as a dad is that I can never give my kids something I don’t already possess myself.  So, if my own, current inter-personal interactions with the people in my life don’t reflect healthy friendships, it makes it pretty hard for me to guide my children along their way.

What kinds of friends do you want your kids to make and keep? What kinds of friends do your kids want to make and keep? How can you be on the same page in this crazy digital world?  Here are a few suggestions:

1. Talk to your kids.
2. Listen to your kids.
3. Share your own experiences with your kids.
4. Be involved in and aware of the things involving the technology component.
5. Set the example of what healthy friendships look like.

As a parent of now-grown children, I will have to say that there is another benefit of working hard to model healthy relationships for your young. After all of those years of committing to “being dad,” it is a joy to also now be “friend.” 

Kevin Weaver, CEO of Network211 and father of three sons, lives with his wife KyAnne in Springfield, MO. He enjoys spending time with family, hunting and watching University of Kansas basketball with his boys! He can be reached at kweaver@network211.com

Helping Your Child Make Friends -- Nixa Dad, Herbie Cody

As a parent, for the most part, we have the ability to help and protect our children as they grow. We can make sure they don't go running in the streets, stick things in the outlets or consume toxic items. We can safeguard the home in which they live, so as to give them a safe and secure environment as they get older. We can try to protect them, by talking about "stranger danger" and the risks of the World Wide Web. 

When it comes to helping our kids become socially adequate as they learn to make friends and understand how to be a good one, we lose some of our protective capabilities. I have three children, two boys and one teenage daughter. All three of them have their own personality, and definitely interact with others in their own way. 

My 14-year-old daughter has always been a bit reserved. She will sit back, observe, and wait for others to approach her. Once she gets to know someone, or a group of people, she breaks out of her shell and becomes very outgoing. The thing about girls, it seems, is they can have a best friend one week, and the next week, that bestie is a mortal enemy. The one thing I try to instill in all my kids, is to be nice to everyone. If they see someone struggling to make friends, I want them to be the one that approaches that person, regardless of what their friends may say or think. 

My twelve-year-old son struggled to make friends early on in school. It wasn't until we figured out he had issues with ADD, that he was able to turn things around. Before he began taking medication, he had a short fuse with kids his own age. He was also very spastic, so not all kids knew how to take him. When children would refuse his friendship requests, he would resort to threatening them. On one occasion, he told a young boy he was gonna stab him with his pen. I'll never forget the time I was called by the school, because my son got angry with one of his peers, pulled his pants down on the playground, and tried to pee on the poor kid. That was pretty much the last straw. We knew we had to see a doctor. Once he was diagnosed and began taking medication, he made friends much easier, and was able to deal with his emotions in a better way. 

My youngest, who is six, seems to be doing fine when it comes to making friends. The problem is, he doesn't seem to understand how to differentiate from the way he and his older brother act and speak to one another, compared to the way he should interact with his friends. Just this evening, while at Mighty Mites football practice, he found out a friend from his class was on the team. I watched as they did drills together and laughed and had fun. The lady standing next to me noticed and started talking to me. She happened to be the grandmother of my son's buddy.

The boys were doing tackling drills on a dummy, when my son suddenly took his mouth piece out and yelled, "Hey Dad, this is my friend, and well . . . he . . . he . . . just watch him . . . he really . . . uhhh . . . " As he struggled to come up with the words he wanted to express, in my mind I was thinking, "Please say something positive, please say something kind, please tell me how awesome this kid is!"

Instead, I got, "Dad, watch him . . . he really SUCKS!" I didn't wanna overreact, but I also didn't want him to think that was ok to say. I immediately pointed at him to come to me. He saw the look in my eyes, and knew he had made a mistake. I explained to him how inappropriate his comment was and demanded he apologize to his buddy and his Grandmother. 

The best advice I could give to a parent regarding their child's ability to make friends, would be to set up play dates with different kids when they are young. Be there to observe and coach them. As they get older and meet new people in school, be available when they are ready to talk about any issues that may come up. Also, if you have a young daughter, the complex world of female teenage drama, is a never ending discussion. 

Herb Cody is a husband and father of three. He is a part time Uber driver and full time caregiver of his spouse, who suffered a traumatic brain injury after an auto accident November, 2015. Herb loves football and is a St Louis Cardinals fanatic. He and his family live in Nixa MO. Herb can be reached for questions or comments at herbie05@yahoo.com

You can check out Herb's own blog at, www.thecodylife.weebly.com

End of Summer -- Springfield Father & Grandfather -- Mark Mildren

As a child the parameters of summer were the end of school year and the beginning of another. Summer break began in June, and lasted until just after Labor Day weekend, so August was the third and last month of summer vacation. As I look back upon those years it seemed like summer lasted a long time. When I think of my elementary school years living in Denver, Colorado, they were truly care free for me. I was part of the Baby Boom generation, and it was never so noticeable as it was in my neighborhood. Every house on the block had two or more kids approximately my age. So I had lots of friends to play with.  

The Little Rascal movies could have been based on my neighborhood. We had gangs and club houses that parents built for us. The alley between the houses on either side of the block was the meeting place for my friends and I. From there we hatched many activities from sandlot baseball, to long distance bike rides, playing cowboys and Indians and track and field games. The days began early, around 6:30 a.m., and lasted through the day till dark. We hated to have to come in. I knew it was time, however, when my father stepped out on the back porch and gave his unique whistle, and yelled my name: “Mark Jennings, time to come in!” 

I haven’t heard a father do that in many years. Our neighborhood seemed much more connected than neighborhoods do today. One obvious reason is that people were outdoors more than they are now, and there were no video games to watch, or i-Phones to monitor.

            

Looking back I am amazed at the freedom my parents gave to me. We lived on the edge of town, and the prairie began at the end of our street. You could look out across it as far as the eye could see. And in the summer we spent a good deal of our time in it. We could ride our bikes far away and be gone for hours and my mom never seemed to worry. Maybe there was less to worry about in those days. Drugs, porn, human trafficking, violence were unheard of then. Life was simpler. I think the 1950’s had to be the golden era of America. Peace and prosperity were at hand.

            

While my parents seemed to trust that I wasn’t going to get into trouble, for the most part I was trustworthy. I didn’t do anything really bad. The worst thing I did was almost derailing a train! We had been placing copper pennies on the tracks to see what they would look like when the train ran over them. They were flattened good. So we thought we’d put a railroad spike on the track and see what would happen. About five of us sat down on some mounds close to the tracks and waited for the train. As it approached the conductor waved at us kids, and we waved back. Then the train hit the spike. There was a terrible noise and sparks were flying. The train engine carried that spike a lot farther than we supposed would happen. The conducted waved again at us, but it wasn’t quite the same wave he had given earlier!

            

Somewhere along the way my parents taught me to respect them, as well as some basic values they taught me. I knew they had a certain expectation of me to be good, honest, and obedient to them. And I lived up to their expectations. They trusted me because I stayed out of trouble. Because of that my summers were filled with a modicum of independence and joy.

            

As school approached it was met with a certain resignation, fear and anticipation. On the positive side I got to go to the "Five and Dime" and get my school supplies--a three-ring binder that zipped up, with pockets inside to stuff papers, a plastic pencil holder, eraser, pencil sharpener, and a box of 48 Crayola crayons. I still love to smell a gum eraser and a fresh box of crayons. The memories come flooding back.

I suppose some of my most vivid experiences from childhood were of summer vacations from school. It was a time for boys to be boys and somehow we began to learn more about ourselves and the world around us. Our imaginations were unleashed in playful and adventurous ways. My parents helped to create this wonderful time by providing a secure environment, some simple ground rules, and probably a more watchful eye than I ever realized! There was always a sense of sadness at the end of summer, but also an expectation of something just ahead. It is so even today as summer comes to an end.

Mark Mildren, retired Methodist minister, is the father of two and grandfather of three. He serves as the faith-community liaison for Good Dads and can be reached for question or comment at mark@gooddads.com.

Good Bye to Summer

Sometimes parents welcome it, while it seems that almost always, children dread it. What am I talking about? The end of summer. To parents, it can signal the conclusion of finding babysitters, refereeing a staggering number of fights, and answering the question, “What can I do today?” To children, it most certainly signals carefree days morphing into those filled with early mornings, rigor, and homework.

As the “golden months” come to a close, making way for the busyness of fall, families often are also left to deal with a myriad of “guilt” or “grief” types of emotions. For instance, if summer didn’t quite go as planned - the trips were canceled, or the family time parents over promised just didn’t happen - guilty angst can creep into a mom or dad’s heart. On the other hand, if the summer was especially sweet, instead of being grateful for the time spent, resentment can set in at the thought of the “back to school” commitments that tend to pull families in a myriad of directions.

How can families make the transition from summer to fall in the best, most painless ways possible? Our family certainly did not perfect this transition, but in the 22 years in which we were annually sending someone “back to school,” we did find some things that helped.

One thing we found that enabled us to run a bit smoother when summer stopped and school started, was the effort of preparing ourselves before we prepared our kids. My wife would laugh and say, “Well, babe! School starts in a few weeks, so time to get the pen, calendar, and checkbook out!” The amount of scheduling, paperwork, and fees that hit parents of only one child can be daunting, but throw some more kids into the mix, and you very quickly can feel buried and broke. We gave ourselves notice to get ready. We tried to look at the budget and make accommodations for the activity, sports, music, and materials’ costs, often for three, teenage boys. Oh, and did I mention lunch money? For three, teenage boys? You bet we had to plan for that one! 

My wife was the master planner when it came to the kids, and would make sure that the huge (but somehow stylish) dry-erase wall calendar with the markers in colors for each family member, was ready to be filled in as soon as the school schedules started coming home. She also set up a filing crate, in which each boy had separate files for the portions of syllabi that didn’t have to be signed and returned to school. Also into the crate went copies of upcoming class project expectations (much needed in order to avoid late night poster board runs!), or team and class phone trees. My wife would tell you that she is a pretty free-spirited, easy-going person, and that is the very reason why she needed systems. It’s hard enough to get back into the swing of school. Most of us parents know it’s even harder when forms are lost and kids miss first practices.

After parents fully realize summer is winding down and fall is just around the corner, it’s time to prep the kids. There are some youngsters who enjoy heading back to school. Having both grown up in the country, my wife and I were always somewhat eager for fall, just to (pre-cell phone and social media) connect with our friends again on a daily basis. But, most kids have a hard time getting back into the routine. It isn’t easy, but aiming for earlier bedtimes as the summer months begin to wane is a great thing to strive for. In addition to that, setting aside some one-on-one time with each child to discuss or address fears or concerns he or she may have about the upcoming school year can be very comforting and reassuring. Especially if they are transitioning to Jr. High, High School or even College.

There are many things parents and children can do together, as well as individually, to send summer off into the sunset well. And you never know...there may be some leftover fireworks from the 4th of July to really make it feel like a celebration. The bottom line...be intentional. Intentionality always seems to open the door to smoother transitions.  Have a happy fall!

Kevin Weaver, CEO of Network211 and father of three sons, lives with his wife KyAnne in Springfield, MO. He enjoys spending time with family, hunting and watching University of Kansas basketball with his boys! He can be reached at kweaver@network211.com

Making Friends/ Good Friends -- Springfield Dad & Grandfather Mark Mildren

One of the most difficult things a parent has to do is to guide their children through the minefields of life, helping them claim good values, and the skills to succeed in life.  One area of potential difficulty is in regards to friends. When our kids were young we lived in a neighborhood without many children. There was only one home nearby that had two girls near the age of my daughter. I would say that they were living in near poverty. As a pastor, I try to treat everyone equally, and not discriminate against people, but I was concerned about this home. The kids had a single mom, and there was a continuous changing of the men who would stay in this house. We didn’t really want our kids to spend time there, but preventing that seemed like casting a judgment upon them. We preferred the two girls to spend time at our home, where we could supervise them more closely, and hopefully, demonstrate what a stable home and marriage looked like. 

In one episode our daughter came home and talked about some dirty magazines she had seen at her friends home. This kind of confirmed our worries about the environment there. My wife and I were more determined to channel our daughter away from that home, but to encourage her friends to come to our house. Eventually, we moved to another town and things worked out better.

Another move brought us to Monett. We look back at this move and believe it was an answer to prayer for our daughter, and our son. Our daughter fell in with a group of high achieving girls, who were active in school activities, and made excellent grades. Her own grades rose, and she expanded her activities to include cheerleading, drama, and speech and debate. Most of her friends came from solid families that wanted their daughters to excel and succeed. Our son became friends with kids who he still remains connected to twenty years later. As parents we were very relieved to know the crowd our kids were with was a positive one. My wife and I brought together all of the parents of our sons friends to help supervise our children and to make sure they were where they were supposed to be. This let the kids know that the community was involved in their raising.  That may be an advantage of living in a small town.

            

Sometimes we sacrifice things in our lives to help raise our children. I was offered a move to a much larger church, with a much larger salary, that was about 225 miles away. If I accepted the offer, my daughter would change high schools in her senior year. From my own experience I knew how difficult that can be. So we turned down the offer and stayed until both my kids graduated from high school before accepting another move.  We felt it was important for them to graduate with their best friends.

            

Parenting is challenging! Sometimes we will face awkward experiences that can be filled with real drama, but when you choose to have children, that comes with the territory. Good parents will be deeply involved in their children’s lives. Good parents will set boundaries and enforce them. We can’t make friends for our children, but we can create opportunities to make friends. 

When I was 16 my family moved from California to Kirkwood, Missouri. My father insisted that I attend our church’s youth fellowship group that met on Sunday evening. I really resisted this, fearing it would be awkward for me. My father prevailed, and I went. My fears were relieved, and the kids were most friendly, and became my best friends in my last two years of high school. My father made the right decision regarding my participation in the youth group. That’s an example of helping our kids make good friends! 

We wanted our kids to know that it was always okay for them to bring their friends to our home. We enjoyed getting to know the friends of our son and daughter. My advice for parents of young children is be involved. Know what’s going on. Talk to your kids about things they’re concerned with. Be wary of potential problems, and steer your kids in the right direction. If you love them and do your best, most likely they will turn out to be responsible people!

Mark Mildren, retired Methodist minister, is the father of two and grandfather of three. He serves as the faith-community liaison for Good Dads and can be reached for question or comment at mark@gooddads.com.